Judith: Can you give example? How does it help and you?
I think any kind of talking about problems communicating is good. It builds trust and good faith.
The question is why would someone mention about use a misunderstanding as not to talk vs healing?
If we call what is occurring only a "misunderstanding", it may be avoiding something.
Can you give example of misunderstanding and how it is helpful etc?
I've recently gotten to the point where I can address the fact that my mother and I each think that we are offending one another somehow. We're calling it a "misunderstanding", but it is probably also involves other feelings such as shame.
What you have learned by talking to her etc?
I have learned that she is probably afraid of looking at these things, otherwise she would bring it up. I can also see that she has a different way of dealing with her feelings. That's good in some ways, because I am reminded that we are two different people.
what fear? What would be the traumatic response?
Sexual feelings between a mother and son or within a family are normal. They are not "misunderstandings".
When a parent does not take responsibility for having these feelings, abuse can happen. In both words and actions, verbal and non-verbal, feelings can be communicated in ways that are not only inappropriate but which can cause a child to experience great confusion as they are trying to develop.
This kind of abuse is traumatic. It makes it difficult for a child to regulate his own emotions and creates problems developing in a healthy way, especially sexually.
Judith: This I hope doesnt sound odd by my asking but-Can you why you or what kind of unpleasant thoughts and feelings that you would struggle with and to avoid? Why the shame?
In this situation, shame which is normally felt in a way that is understood and recognized becomes instead an emotion that is not fully felt or processed. It cannot simply be talked through with a friend as one would talk through any other unpleasant experience.
Hence, there is no misunderstanding to simply clear up later in life. Recovery from this kind of abuse requires going through the pain in order to understand and feel what was never experienced. Support from people who care and who are willing to witness it for what it is makes all the difference.
In my case, I have made some progress in letting my mother know that something occurred between us. At times, I hear her natural response to it as calling it a "misunderstanding". Other times, she takes it more seriously.
Yes, I agree that talking is a very good solution, as you have stated elsewhere. In my family, there was not enough of it. It's also important to experience real trust. This comes from sharing true feelings, if possible. Otherwise avoidance, denial and unprocessed shame remain.
Its been said talk to a woman is easier than a man so then even when the struggle is with talk to a woman due to mother being a factor in not being able to work through relationships-What would shame be in keeping you from talk through misunderstandings etc ? What is frightening? Why the fear of what you are referring to here?
In the end, you have to stop dancing around the pain, if you really want to get better. A good friend is someone who listens without getting in the way of that, without questioning what you are feeling.
It sounds like you are trying to be that kind of person, which is great. Be careful not to make too many assumptions about how things should go. Just like women, men can feel strong emotions to the point of being overwhelmed by them. Both men and women can support a survivor in this.
I think when we allow this kind of work to go where it needs to go while someone stands by for comfort and support, progress can be made.
Peace to you,