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#466210 - 06/04/14 11:48 PM As a victim of child pornography....
JayBro Offline

Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
These last few days I have been feeling extremely triggered.

I look somber and numb on the outside, but on the inside I am scared, angry, sad, full of sorrow, terrified, and confused.

I cannot get over the spread and availability of child pornography on the internet, including stuff like stories which are not even based on real people but still normalize and perpetuate this behaviour. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? Why does this carry on?? I feel so powerless and overwhelmed. I feel heart broken. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? I wish I could some how save everyone, save those being abused now, in the past, and in the future. Even save those children and youth in stories or animations who don't exist in the real world. I wish the internet didn't make it so easy for people to produce, upload, profit from, exchange, and access child pornography.

I don't feel any sympathy or sorrow for myself, but I feel responsible for everyone else. I feel re-traumatized as I move into this stage in my recovery.

I want to cry- I REALLY WANT TO CRY, SCREAM, YELL, RUN TO THE POLICE, but I can't. I am silent. I am scared. I am timid. I am encumbered.

Just the fact that this stuff is existing and is easily accessible makes me feel forever unsafe.
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

#466220 - 06/05/14 02:35 AM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 865
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Sending you an extra dose of love and support, JayBro. Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#466236 - 06/05/14 10:08 AM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
It's a hard world we live in. But right here, on this forum and in this company, you're safe. Your thoughts are safe. Your feelings are safe. Your worries can rest here and be safe. We can't change the world overnight, but we're taking this one day at a time, one heartbreak at a time. You can make a difference, and you can start by healing. You can do that here, too. This is a safe place to heal. Bless you. I'm not even sure what my own religion is, but I'll be praying for you, my brother. You are in my thoughts. Different people have been there for me when I've had hard, hard days.... And right now, your brothers on this site will be here for you. Seek peace, and when you find some, hold onto it. You can do it. Bob

#466237 - 06/05/14 10:18 AM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1439
Loc: California
Hey JayBro,

I have no idea what it is like to be the victim of a child porno. And I have no idea what it is like to know that there is that stuff out there.

But I would like to say that child porn isn't "easily accessible". I think that because of the sheer illegality of the subject, that someone would have to look for it quite fervently in order to find it online. I keep hearing about pedophile rings that are dismantled by authorities after lengthy investigations - the secretive and exclusive nature of these 'rings'.

So I would just like to say this - I believe that perverts like pedophiles would have to actively and aggressively search out child porn in order to find it. It's NOT easily found online. All I know is that I have never encountered it online, and I also have never looked for it (and yes, I watch porn online).

#466240 - 06/05/14 11:53 AM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1846

Thoughts are with you. Child porn is horrific. It is not consensual and takes a child to a place no child should have to go. It sensationalize through film and imagery the despicable acts of genuinely deranged people on a child. For a child to have to live it over and over and have it available for viewing is beyond comprehension. I would not want to see my abuse on film nor would I want anyone else to view it.

Take care of yourself. You are recovering and all the emotions are flooding inside. You need to let them out, writing, talking with a friend, support group, T or doctor. We are here to listen.


#466244 - 06/05/14 01:24 PM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]
bey Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 208
Loc: canada
I hear you, Jay
My involvement in child porn as a kid was brief, but it left deep scars for sure. As an adult I cringe when I read about porns rings being busted or pictures or video being found, always wondering if I am one of the kids on those computers. It is a helpless feeling and it makes me hate the world. Which is not a feeling I like having.
I'm sorry any kid has to go through that, and that any adult has to live with the helplessness and anger and fear that comes later.

#466277 - 06/06/14 12:10 AM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: bey]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 232
Loc: California
Hey JayBro,

Man, I have been where you are too many times to count. I think I wrote a very similar post a while back. I’m sorry you are feeling so bad right now. My abuse involved a lot of child pornography, both pictures and film, and I know what it is like to be triggered like that. Sometimes, I go and seek out news stories involving child pornography, looking for similar stories to mine, and what happened with the kids. My T calls it emotional cutting, like trying to numb myself out by exposing myself to triggers. I don’t know. Sometimes it feels healthy, other times it does not. It may have more to do with my state of mind going into it than anything else.

Having been through this enough times to be an expert on it, I have to say that it is important when you get to this space, to take a step back, and try to reframe. For me, this fear, anger, and sadness comes up because I have tapped into that space inside me that was a boy at the time of the abuse, and at the time the pornography was either being made or was being discussed. When I was a boy, I had no frame of reference for what my perp was doing to me. The fact that he took photos and made movies of me bing sexually abused is just a deeper layer of debasement and humiliation.

It was also the nail in the coffin of my very weak plans to tell that were faintly crackling inside me like embers of an almost extinguished fire. My perp told me once it was captured on film, that he had proof that I was in it with him. Proof that I was an accomplice, a willing participant. It became leverage to maintain my silence. All of those thoughts you mention above of wanting to tell, wanting to run to my parents, wanting to go to the Police, wanting to scream, wanting to yell I had to bury deep down inside, along with the abuse. The kicker is that those feelings I stuffed way down deep just never went anywhere. They stayed there waiting, frozen in time until I was able to deal with it.

I often liken the work I have done on my CSA as a lot like breathing. You do all this intense work, and build up your strength, and get ready for something. The work feels like a long, deep inhale, like you are building and building up to something. I used to always think something dramatic would occur after the work, but it rarely is that way. Instead, it is just like a big, long exhale. Like all that work’s sole purpose was to just release and let this air out, all to just get ready for the next big inhale of the next step on the road. But often, in the exhale, stuff comes up from those deep places. Those intense feelings buried are released, sometimes very thinly, sometimes in a torrent. And the feelings come up, and it feels like you are in that moment, feeling the panic, the need to do something. To move, to scream, to yell, to cry. You finally get to do the things you were too paralyzed to do in the moment when it happened.

I guess what I am trying to say in a very roundabout way is to remember to be good to yourself. Open up to these feelings and claim them. Anytime there is numbness and distance on the outside, and a boiling cauldron of mixed emotions on the inside, it means you are dissociated a bit. You tapped into that space you had to keep as a boy between the survival tactics and the feelings. Those were parallel roads in crisis, they didn’t merge. Now that you are healing, you get to merge those streams. So try to focus on owning that rage, sorrow, and indignation you are feeling about the world and other suffering survivors. Those feelings are really about you and what you have suffered and are suffering. It is your mind’s way of releasing them. Be gentle toward yourself, now in that moment, more than any other.

The world can seem a very bad place, full of very bad people. Sometimes, when I read all of those stories, I see the awful aspects of humans who do unspeakable things to others. I see the very light sentences for abusing boys and making them do pornography. It sometimes makes me lose a few ounces of faith, like drops of blood. I get weak. There was a moment in my abuse where I was being forced to do porn with a man. I was pretty young, not even 10. And it dawned on me that other people were going to watch this. Before, I had kept it as this thing that only my perp would see. But, when he started bringing in other men, talking about the details of the movies, it really made me scared and nauseous. It made me realize that while I couldn’t see them, there were people out there that were watching this. There were people out there who wanted to see this. So, instead of horrible things happening to me in a little room between me and a couple of men, it suddenly became a bigger thing. My boyhood fear spun it out to imagining movie theatres full of perps watching it in my mind. All those eyes watching in the dark. It is that fear that I tap into sometimes when I get triggered. That is what it feels like. Like somewhere out in the world all of those eyes are watching me at the absolute worst and terrifying moments of my life.

But, I tend to have a more balanced view now that I have done this work for a while. I realize that there are just as many good as bad people in the world. When I was commenting about the Boston marathon bombing and how awful the world was getting, a friend told me that it was indeed awful, but to look to the first responders and the spectators that rushed to help. There, he said, is the proof of the good in the world. So, I read those stories now, and I see the task forces, the police, the prosecutors, the child advocates, working in tandem to bust these huge pornography rings. I know there are teams of people like this all over the world whose mission in life is to make the world safer for children. I see 90 year sentences for abusers, makers, and distributers of child porn. And I realize that maybe somewhere out there, an image of me in porn on someone’s computer might be the very thing that those police find that lets them bust the perp, or even a ring, and send him to jail. That may be a fantasy in my mind, but no less a fantasy than thinking theatres full of people are watching my abuse. It is a healthier fantasy, and one I would much rather entertain.

JayBro, I have known you for a while on this site, and we have exchanged PMs. So, I feel I know you a bit. What has always struck me about you is the depth of your compassion, but also your eagerness to be a positive force for change in the world. You are constantly looking for ways that you can make the world better. Whether it is volunteering at local centres, taking classes to improve your knowledge and abilities, or reaching out to other survivors, you are active in your work around your issues and the issues of other survivors. The truth is you are the world’s response to the awful things that happen in the world. You are the counterbalance. With the work you are doing, and the plans you have for the future, you are a first responder. Proof positive that there are indeed good things in this world. When I feel bad about the world, it is people like you that pop up in my mind as confirmation and reason to keep the faith in the good side of humanity.

Sorry about the very long response. I am infamously wordy. Which is likely why I don’t post much anymore. But, I saw this and had to reach out to you because I could have written it. It was just a big “me too” moment. I’m here and listening to you, JayBro.


"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#466279 - 06/06/14 02:31 AM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 966
Loc: southern California

Your presence and active participation on this site is a lot of help in informing others. No question, child porn is a crime against all humanity.

With every post on these threads, I feel we send the message to potential perps "out there" that we are aggressively exposing their tactics and their hiding places.
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."

#466296 - 06/06/14 01:25 PM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Todd. That's some wisdom you wrote. Thank you. I didn't not experience the specific hell you experienced, but everything you said... and particularly about the inhaling and exhaling... wow. Wonderfully apt descriptions. Thank you.


#466297 - 06/06/14 01:25 PM Re: As a victim of child pornography.... [Re: JayBro]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Todd. That's some wisdom you wrote. Thank you. I didn't experience the specific hell you experienced, but everything you said... and particularly about the inhaling and exhaling... wow. Wonderfully apt descriptions. Thank you.


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