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#466171 - 06/04/14 12:33 AM New to here
aprasax7695 Offline


Registered: 06/02/14
Posts: 3
Loc: Broward, FL
Hello,

I am overwhelmed for my story to be told. I have never told my parents about my secret over more than 30 years. I moved to the US from South Korea about 9 years ago.

I do not know how my being molested has been affected my life. I read some of the posts and try to relate in my head,but I just cannot figure out how one thing relates to another event. All I remember is just bits pieces or fragments of memories. I have very few awareness of chronological events. I still act out randomly, and sometimes I would suppress myself not to act that way.. I would feel pain, and when i feel the pain, then I know it was the horrible thing happening to me.

My goal is to know how to stop the pain and where my fear comes from. I am also a recovering addict and would be glad to find any links between my CSA and my addiction.

I am grateful for being here. Tonight I can go to sleep knowing that I have found place where I can be understood as one of CSA survivors.

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#466173 - 06/04/14 04:23 AM Re: New to here [Re: aprasax7695]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey aprasax... welcome to Male Survivor! I hope that you you can find the answers you are looking for soon. there is a lot of experience here waiting to share with you. abuse certainly does lead to acting out, fear, and all sorts of propblems. I hope that you will just rest a bit here and then move at your own pace toward healing from this . It is possible man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#466175 - 06/04/14 06:17 AM Re: New to here [Re: aprasax7695]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Welcome aprasax,

You pose some very important questions. Many of us waited decades before revealing what happened. Its a huge job to piece together how this all fits together with the way our lives turned out. Pain, acting out, and addiction are certainly common themes for many of us. Don't give up on it. Don't give up on YOU. WE are always here for you.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#466179 - 06/04/14 09:57 AM Re: New to here [Re: aprasax7695]
aprasax7695 Offline


Registered: 06/02/14
Posts: 3
Loc: Broward, FL
Thank you Jeff, Jude for your kind words.

I feel able to breathe. I am imagining the stories I have read here while trying to put things together.

There must be some feelings that I must have shut down long time ago., I start to feel something inside. Sharing takes strength, but it is worth doing.

I am hopeful that stories are available here.

J




Edited by aprasax7695 (06/04/14 10:11 AM)

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#466193 - 06/04/14 04:20 PM Re: New to here [Re: aprasax7695]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Hello aprasax7695,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad for you to have been able to take the brave step of joining us here at MS.

You say you are unsure of how the abuse you suffered has affected your life, and yet you go on to describe acting out, addiction, and physical pain you have experienced.
I don't say this to criticize or judge, as I have the same lack of awareness of the magnitude of the effects as well.
This I see as part of the work I need to do.
Awareness, of all this and awareness or presence in general are good things to practice.

As for a connection between your addiction and the abuse you suffered, I will relay the history of a councilor that participated in a workshop I attended last weekend.
She described her early career as an addiction councilor, and discovered that a large majority of her clients had also suffered childhood sexual abuse.
Anecdotal perhaps, but likely very telling.

Drug and or alcohol abuse may be used a means to numb ourselves, so we do not have to deal with the pain, emotional or otherwise.

And yes, you have found somewhere where you will be and are understood.

Welcome, take your time, and when you're ready speak your truth.
The MS community will be here to support you in whatever way we can.

Take care, and keep well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#466211 - 06/04/14 11:56 PM Re: New to here [Re: Adam A Gedman]
aprasax7695 Offline


Registered: 06/02/14
Posts: 3
Loc: Broward, FL
Thank you, Kevin for your thoughts.

As I go on reading the stories, I will be able to identify the gap between my child abuse and my addiction in my adulthood.

I am still confused for the time being, but somewhat hopeful.


aprasax7695


Edited by aprasax7695 (06/05/14 12:37 AM)

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