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#465517 - 05/20/14 02:56 AM brother thrown-away
JerryG Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/14
Posts: 7
Loc: California
Hi all,

Thanks for reading my intro.
I've been sexually abused and emotionally betrayed by my 8-y older brother. It must have started since the age of 9-10 and things only came to a rest at around 18-19 years. All this time my other family members (2 sisters and 2 parents - I'm the youngest) didn't manage to do anything about it. I don't have any memories of brother before the age when it started. I just remember him one day coming into the play room where I was playing with Lego. I wondered why he was there and he started talking to me. I remember it felt weird. Something to do about the way he talked to me I guess, like not applicable to the moment or the fact that I was playing Lego. Next thing I remember is playing video games on his new PC that he got from my parents (a super expensive one for that time). The PC had me completely mesmerized. He started touching me from the back with his arms around me. I froze. Didn't understand what was happening, didn't know what to do. I thought it would never happen again. I put on a belt, but it didn't matter. He came peeping when I was taking baths. I was never alone. Never felt safe at home. My sisters where too self-occupied and my mom couldn't get the work done. My dad was always at the background. My parents fought a lot. I found it horrible when I heard their fights. Felt very alone. For a long time. My brother became the best I could get I guess. At least he was there. My mom and grand-mom always said he was such a poor boy and that we should have compassion with him. I always had a lot of compassion for him, for my mom who looked so tired and for my dad who seemed to not being cared for either. My sisters, the youngest was really bitchy to me. She was sweet to me, just to hurt me afterwards and make me do things for her. She always acted like what she had to say was more important than anyone else. My brother acted like a tyrannically at home. My mom was scared of him and I don't know my dad acting out at him either. It seemed they had fights sometimes. My dad was a math teacher and my brother was really good in math. I think my brother couldn't deal with the fact that he had lost attention when I got born. A second boy at home that was different than him. I think he saw me as a threat, although he told me that he always had been so happy to have a little brother, and that he loved me. I believed it and often still believe it. It is only lately that I started to believe he might have felt threatened by me in some way. He ended up graduating PhD in mathematics. I helped him all the while he was at university. At least that's how I saw it. I tried to support him with his sexuality and him being closeted gay. He started going to social LGBT activities and he talked to me about that stuff a lot. I didn't have much to say in it though. I just had to listen. Understand him. If I didn't understand him, or he thought I didn't, he could get really mad at me. Although he had a student room, he kept coming home once a week. I always dreaded that day (it was Thursday's) - wondered why he had to come home. At the same time, I had to study for school. I sometimes couldn't study because of him. I started to hate him, but at the same time still had compassion for him. I actually thought he was the victim for a long time and that I was lucky. Especially around my 14-16th year. I had a lot of attention sometimes from girls and had a girlfriend that was really fancy. I needed her to feel normal I think, but I couldn't get close to her. Sexually I couldn't do it. I was confused. My sexuality already for a long time (since 13) started to revolve around pornographic magazines that I got from kids at school. They were my only secret that I had. When my brother went away I used them to get off on. I developed a habit and dependency on pornographic stimulation. I started studying at university, and did well enough to get into a PhD program, but I wasn't happy. My pornography, went into visiting prostitutes and I wasn't very much social any more. My life revolved around getting a PhD. My brother always acted as he was the smartest one. Biology was my only subject that I really liked to study. I ended up finding very cool stuff, but at the end, things turned around and my supervisor claimed all was his property and I made me furious. It's only now that I start seeing all the parallels in my life. I thought I was helping my brother and that there would be some sort of return in the end I guess... instead I just was left on my own. He build his life, and acting at family parties like an important person. Don't know if someone can understand what it's like... the problem is now... it's so long ago, and although i continuously have issues with me supervisors and people in authority, I do not feel much of the anger I'm supposed to feel against him. I'm still trying to do research but my motivation after the betrayal of my phd supervisor still has me down. I live with the idea that nobody wants me to be great, to blossom, to become great, instead that people always will make use of me and all the effort that I put into their cause. I like to work for someone else, but at the same time hate it because they don't return me with what I expect, and I get angry. My pornography addiction has got better last years. It just can't do the trick any more so much as it did. Things could have gone much worse with me and I've always tried to stay on the right pad. Guess I've mostly done so, but recovery is still an abstract thing to me. I can get explosively angry for little things and I have difficulty with intimacy. Above all, I really don't know how to approach my family any more. I live far away from them now. I always knew my mom loved me, and she is a really scarifying woman with a golden heart. Just so weird how things turned out like this. It almost feels like it's my fault, because everyone is apparently a "good person". Where does that leave me? I've been told I must never forget I am a really really good person, but I wonder why I was not worth it to be protected and to have a normal child and youth time.... My sisters are now having families and my brother is closer to home and sees my parents a lot more than me. He's been talking himself clean, although my mom and oldest sister say they have it really difficult with him. I don't know men. Feels like they traded me in for the perpetrator.. Nevertheless, it's me who has walked away in most instances, escaping the situation but at the same time feeling left alone.
My current hope and obstacle is that I will be able to really feel and experience the anger against my brother... I think not being able to feel it is really debilitating me. I sometimes comes up a little bit, but than it's gone immediately again and I just want to lay down in the coach...
Guess I could go on a little longer, but thanks for reading guys. Hope you are all well, and that my story can somehow be of a positive inspiration to your recovery. If there is anything you feel like saying, don't keep it inside. Thanks again.

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#465523 - 05/20/14 07:23 AM Re: brother thrown-away [Re: JerryG]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
hi, Jerry!

welcome to the ranks of the walking wounded. i hope that sharing experiences and insights with others who have a lot in common will be a positive force of healing for you. thanks for telling your story. the title alone wrenched my heart. you will find that you are heard and valued and respected here.

i am also one who has never been able to fully express the anger that i am told i should feel. that no longer bothers me like it used to. i have found other ways of finding strength and moving past it. not to say that it is not a valid goal for you - but i think we all have some differences, despite our similarities.

anyway - just wanted to extend open arms and help you feel accepted.

LEE
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#465530 - 05/20/14 10:31 AM Re: brother thrown-away [Re: JerryG]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 467
Loc: UK
Welcome to the site Jerry,
Your words about wondering why you were not worth being protected and having a normal childhood and youth struck home for me. I guess many of us have felt this but the truth is you should have been protected and you just like every other child were more than worth protecting.
As usual I would recommend getting some professional help; the abuse is a very isolating experience and therapy with someone who gets it makes all the difference.
Welcome again.

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#465634 - 05/22/14 12:45 AM Re: brother thrown-away [Re: JerryG]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Welcome Gerry,

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. There is no excuse that justifies your brother's sexual exploitation of you. And your families inability to see or deal with it is inexcusable as well. Above all you have to believe that none of this was your fault. And you did not deserve ANY of it. You are worth far more than either your brother or family could ever know.

I hope that you are seeking professional help. And please consider changing your relationship with your family and brother. I can only imagine how painful it must be to see him held up as a model of success, while only you know the truth about him. You have no obligation to stay in a situation that continually reminds you of what was done to you. A good therapist can help you create some healthy boundries.

And keep in touch. You are one of us and we care about you.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#465884 - 05/28/14 12:10 AM Re: brother thrown-away [Re: Jude]
JerryG Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/14
Posts: 7
Loc: California
Thank you all for responding. I do am in therapy, but my therapist just keeps pointing out that whenever I start feeling angry, I shut if off and that I shouldn't be doing that or something, but what does it matter? It's over, never going to get my life that was taken from me back any way, right? I try to remind me of the fact that I am worthy and that I've had a difficult past, to provide me some compassion for all the ways in which I am not that great of a person, but the truth is that my life just lacks a direction and that I don't feel like I'm in control. I feel like I'm failing at my job just because I can't bring myself any more to work for the cause. I've been very idealistic in it and all of that is crushed now. If I would really do what I wanted to do, I'd quit my job, relationship, take a backpack, an air ticket and travel the world without any direction. My therapist, however, thinks that's not a good idea... but I'm not so sure...

Thanks again for the help, open arms and words of encouragement all of you.
Jerry

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#465906 - 05/28/14 12:48 PM Re: brother thrown-away [Re: JerryG]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 186
Loc: Canada
Hello Jerry,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, and also glad for you to have found and joined us here at MS.

That is quite the story, and I am glad you were able to get it down in writing.
The story sounds very complex to me, like there is something about your brother that illicits fear in the rest of your family.
What ever the case, I feel you need to know that none of this is your fault, you are not to blame, we believe you, and you are worthy of hope and compassion.

You will find a great deal of empathy from members here because we get it.
The truth is you will not get the life back that you might have had otherwise. However you can build a different life, one just as rewarding.

A line I heard about a year ago says this better than i could...
You need to give up the hope, that past could have been any different.

I disagree with your therapist with regards to anger. Repressing/denying anger, in my opinion creates a time bomb, at some point it will blow and will not be pretty.
I am learning to see anger as a mental construct (something mind created), this can be triggered by others words or actions but in truth, how I think about those triggers is what feeds the anger. If I can be aware that anger is percolating, and remind myself that it is self created, I can mostly find a different way to view it, and the anger cannot be fed by the new perspective.

I feel like I'm getting a little long winded, so I will leave it at that.

Take care and keep well.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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