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#465722 - 05/23/14 11:29 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: don64]
realalphabetmg Offline


Registered: 12/02/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Oregon
You are the superhero of you. Rage work.is better than sex work, a feeling with which I warred as she (madre) spoiled me to mask the abuse. I felt sold to whatever she wanted me to pay for, bankrupt and "too precious" to be saved. Abuse is violence, soul murder in policy. How do we shed ourselves of being carnage? It's time!


Edited by realalphabetmg (05/23/14 11:30 PM)

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#465731 - 05/24/14 11:42 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1181
Loc: New York
Hey Don

I don't know if this helps but you mention that you don't remember certain acts that you are sure that happened as a infant/young child. The only thing that I remember as a child is being chased into the bathroom or my room in an attempt to escape a beating. I remember running out of the house for a while to escape her wrath. I don't remember anything else before the age of 9.

I divorced my parents when I was 12 years old and basically never saw them again (maybe once a year) till 6 years ago (I'm 63) when I brought them up to live with me. I built an addition to my house so they could have their own apartment and I would be able to take care of them. The only thing that I've learned from this act of kindness is that I still hate them and realize why I divorced them when I was 12. I have become extremely angry at them although I am courteous but blunt and try not to see them.

My mother's favorite story is how at 3 years old I used to stand in front of my her telling her that I want to run away from home. Ha, Ha fuck her. Kind of a sick story for her to laugh about. I constantly think what she can see that's so funny that her only child would want to run away from home.

The first 8 years of my life must have been really bad not to remember the house I lived in, my friends or the neighborhood. I remember the day we started unloading the moving truck here 6 years ago at their new apartment when she told me that she didn't want to move here that it was your father's idea. Right then and there I knew I made the biggest mistake in my life by bringing them both back into my life. They were supposed to pay for the addition but I still haven't seen a penny.

While I don't punch pillows I have now become more of an unhappy puppy because of them. I wish everyday that they would move out and curse myself for bringing them up here to spook my kids and grand kids. They haven't said it but I can tell that they would all find it better if my parents didn't live here. I guess now I've gotten to the point of ...
Quote:
Learning to scream with my hand over my mouth so I don't disturb the neighbors, learning to do a low but intense bass rattle that doesn't hurt my throat too much but does spew a lot of venom at her.
I guess that's my rage work in action.

When I do see them I am kind and gentle which makes me want to puke but I couldn't stand the reactions from her if I piss her off. I would rather walk out of the room when she gets too venomous than stay and call her an asshole.

We used to live a safe distance from one another, she in Florida and me in NY and that worked for 40+ years. Please just never make the same mistake I did. Let the rage fly it will subside sooner or later, I know mine will as soon as they both pass and finally give the grim reaper his due headache for leaving them here so long smile

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465733 - 05/24/14 01:39 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 674
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Jeff,

Your honesty is refreshing, and learning not to revisit the scene of the crime has been a lifelong difficulty for me. I divorced my complete family of origin 11+ years ago. It was the only healthy choice I could make. I agree that your blank before the age of 9 is a clue about how horrible it was. I started learning a lot about body memory in my 40's and just naturally followed that. It's the only way I've been able to retrieve this stuff, and the only way for me to move through it little by little.

I am so, so sorry for what you endured and the damage it did to you, Jeff. I have some idea of what that level of damage is and how powerful the need to block that amount of terror is. I'm holding you in my thoughts.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465736 - 05/24/14 01:45 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 674
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I agree realalphabetmg, it is time. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465742 - 05/24/14 06:56 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1181
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: don64
...learning not to revisit the scene of the crime has been a lifelong difficulty for me...
Yes, once the break is made never look back thinking that the situation has changed. My T told me when I told him of bringing my parents up from Florida to me "do you really think that my mother and father have changed?". He said that as a rhetorical question.

My father is 99 and still drives and my mother is 94 and still does her own shopping. It is below their dignity for us to help them in any way. I don't wish them any harm but I would just love for them to move back to Florida and/or just leave me and my family alone.

If you divorced you family then don't feel bad in any way shape or form. Don't look back and most of all don't revisit the scene of the crime. These type of people don't change. I'm just sorry that your perps are still part of your life in your mind, I wish you could forget them and concentrate on your healing from the abuse itself. I'm hoping that you'll be able to get the rage out of your system.

Originally Posted By: don64
.... I'm holding you in my thoughts.
Thanks, that's real sweet, I'm also saving a place in my thoughts for you.

My heart goes out to all the abused, I just wish I had the magic to fix it all up.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465743 - 05/24/14 07:55 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 674
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks Jeff. That's sweet of you also to think of me. I'm learning to hold my infant and toddler selves in safety and love myself in my imagination. When all the internalized terror comes up for me, I am getting better at being able to contain a sense of safety and love for all of me while allowing these early pre-cognitive versions of me to feel safety from me AND not get beaten or suffocated for crying.

Last night I was able to do a new thing. I generally sleep in 2-4 hour periods throughout a 24 hour period. No routine to it. Just when I can sleep. Whenever I begin to get tired all hell breaks loose inside me. It usually takes meds, movies, sudoku puzzles, and overeating before I am able to sleep because I just drop.

Last night I realized that getting tired disables my defenses against feeling my early terror, and all my meds, movies, sudoku puzzles, and overeating are just a frantic effort to shut myself down. It does work, eventually, but it's really hard on my body. So, instead of going through my long term terror neutralizing routine last night, I was able to just send waves of love and safety to my early selves, let them know they were safe while letting them scream and cry all they wanted, and then after a few minutes "all of us" went to bed and got 5 good hours of sleep. A major breakthrough for me. This kind of work is very new for me, but early results are that it produces changes in my thinking in all aspects of my life. Learning how to do this was a brutal process at first, but it is getting easier.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465744 - 05/24/14 08:47 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1181
Loc: New York
Hey Don

That sounds great to be able to do that and I hope you can get into a routine where you have no trouble doing it. I never thought of being tired could also start my mind from going back to those days, it's just that during any down time of after work I get hit by those memories like a train.

I was abused from age 9 until I escaped into the USAF at 18-1/2. I've been running away from that kid who is me for 40+ years. Like you but instead of eating and stuff I've been doing a combo of drugs, drinking and cutting. That has so far been the only way I can get away from myself unfortunately.

I was prostituted starting at the age of 12 and had 2 very loving and close friends who were also in the game along with my judo instructor. I loved my life but hated what I had to do to keep the part of my life I loved. This is the reason why I have to get away from that kid who is me. My childhood as I knew it revolved around sex, torture, beatings, etc. In order to keep my friends and the happy parts of my life I had to do things I am ashamed and guilt filled. Cutting takes the pain away instantly and the drugs and drink take that kid away.

My T and I are trying to get me to the point where I can do like you are now trying to do, love my childhood self. I wish all the magic in the world for all of us here to get to a point of loving your childhood self.

Thanks for that post Don, thanks for the love

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465757 - 05/25/14 03:00 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 674
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Jeff,

You're definitely welcome.

Sending you love and support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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