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#465430 - 05/17/14 01:16 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
I totally understand what you mean on the flashbacks, before they started I was with my T for 8 years, then with reading Mike Lews book the words just spoke to me the negatives which I have felt for myself for way too long. A simple comment on my eye color or looks I would discount it as negative. Professional gains, would last 5 secs.

The flashbacks and night terrors, started after I been reading it has helped me rewrite the negative that I had. Example my P would always say he loved me, that was not love that was control over a power child. Honestly, the first time I have ever felt such. Yes, my body was wigged out and shaking like crazy because I actually truly understand I was raped and taken advantage of.

Just this morning, a comment I heard all the time "you greedy bastard. Made me know that I am not at all, yet I believed it.

I guess I look at it as being able to relook at the information I received as a child, and process it as an adult to know if that is a true statement or not.

Trust me none of this makes sense for me, best way I can describe it is knowing all this time that 2+2=4 But then you really learn it is 5.

Hope that helps.

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#465502 - 05/19/14 01:13 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I bought all three books on Kindle. Part of me is afraid to read them because it will hurt too much. I know it is not true, but a part of me fears I cannot handle the depth of my sadness. And, I know reading the books will melt the walls around my sadness. There is such deep sadness in me about the lack of connection to myself and others, and I know the depth of the sadness is because of someplace in me that knows how wonderful it can be to be with others in ways I never have, in other words in a healthy way, and even, perhaps, with a special someone.

I'm actually, kinda, looking forward to reading them. But also scared.

Don


Edited by don64 (05/19/14 01:14 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465505 - 05/19/14 03:16 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Hey Don

Take it slow. If you start getting triggered then put the book down for a few hours or days. Sooner or later you will be able to read those books a little easier. They are usually very good to help you through your own past.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465506 - 05/19/14 05:04 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: don64]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Don

Take a breath and only venture in when ready. Put them away, and not together. When ready take one out and slowly peruse. If you begin to feel triggered, put the book down. You will know when you are ready.

We all move at different paces. Your mind is still processing the depths of the abuse and any overload may not be helpful.

Being scared is natural--we all have faced this emotion on our journey--the first time we told others, the times we did not tell anyone what happened, the times we moved forward and were feeling good and then a setback-scared to move forward again. Little steps each time.

I hope you find the right to read, because the books give great insight on what we have lived--it reminds us we are not alone in this journey.

I wish you well and I know when you do read you will approach with an open mind.

Keep well

Kevin

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#465520 - 05/20/14 04:14 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Don -

I know how you feel, I have felt the same way myself. As, everyone has said venture when you feel you are ready, and if need be you can stop reading if it becomes too much. I have done it myself, my mind gets to overwhelmed, and I just walk away from the reading. I will say Beyond Betrayal helped to give me good base line of insight, that I bought Victims No More, but it wasn't until two years later that I actually took the time to read it, and it just spoke to me so much so that I am looking for more to learn from.

With this over all healing process I have always had "fear" in the back of my mind, that all the blame was going to be placed on me. But, one thing I have learned that it is not my fault. It was the preps negative comments that where built up in a small child's mind that I have carried all these years. Their guilt, created a vail of shame for I which I have learned I don't own.

I have found that reading has helped give me insight, that my T session are better. Her training coupled with my learning about myself while reading helps build the foundation to a better me.

Hope this helps.

Also, just started reading Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield.

J

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#465521 - 05/20/14 05:25 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks Jeff, Kevin, and J,


That you responded and show caring is blowing the hell out of my belief that I will die if I actually feel caring. I never talked to another survivor until last fall, and have lived a life of my feelings completely dissociated from myself.

That has been slowly and consistently changing with spending a lot of time online with men with similar experiences. I have known for a good while the substantial damage was done to me in infancy and early childhood, and have been working at getting down to the feeling level of my infant self. In the past few weeks I have learned to consciously hold my infant self in love and safety, while at the same time allowing the feelings of my infant self to surface. The process was brutal early on, but gets a little less scary with time.

What I have noticed is as I do this, my thinking is changing. So, while I have spent my life terrified that any real experiencing of my feelings will kill me, my time with other survivors and my work getting back to the scene of the crime has slowly begun a healing process.

I've noticed these books on post for several months now, but never felt any connection to them. Two days ago I realized they had become important to me, and ordered them on Kindle, as I trust my intuition and "knew" it was time to bring them into my life.

At first reading, I could only get through the forward and acknowledgments of "Beyond Betrayal" before I had to put it down. Many hours later I read some of the first chapter, and the writings on trust really helped me put myself in a context that makes sense to me.

What is happening is that as I create space inside myself for my infant self to grow in safety and love, all of me grows. Whereas before I had to keep my feelings at a great distance from reality, I now NEED the power of your words and the words of these books to melt the defensive walls around my heart. And, yes, I will carefully monitor what is comfortable for me and not do ANY more than is comfortable for me.

I have been crying and crying after reading your posts. First because you responded to me, second because your words indicated you care about what happens to me, and third because I am actually feeling the caring. I want you to know your posts to me matter a lot. The part of me that is screaming "they'll hurt me, they'll hurt me" is beginning to melt, and that you responded so sensitively and so kindly says to me I am making room in my life for sensitivity and kindness to come in.

Thank you.

Don


p.s Also just ordered "Healing the Child Within." Feels like having a lot of comfort food around me.


Edited by don64 (05/20/14 05:31 AM)
Edit Reason: add p.s.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465552 - 05/20/14 08:15 PM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Hey Don

Your doing fine, don't push it just take your time. I also had problems with reading Beyond Betrayal, there were just too many cases that some part of them reminded me of going through those horrors.

It's good that you put it down and you see you're able to pick it up later. Reading is very important, it lets you know that you weren't the only one and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I find that I can talk to survivors about my shit but not to the general public who have no idea what abuse is. I'm able to be more open with people here because we share the same abusive background in one way or another. Don't worry if you can't talk to the public, talk with us since we are all trying to heal from the same type of disease.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#465571 - 05/21/14 02:27 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Jeff,

Thanks for the support. I shut down my ability to feel so early, and shut down my ability to accurately interpret reality, that I had to slowly live through a lot of soft growing edges before I could deal with approaching my original damaged places as I'm beginning to do in recent months.

Hi J,

I need help with posting etiquette here. I am having a lot of memories and material surfacing for me right now, all having to do with 'all the bs from the past,' but I don't want to hi-jack your thread in any way. The stuff I'm dealing with is heavy duty emotional material also having to do with sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from both parents in infancy and early childhood. I am not in crisis, but just doing hard as hell work releasing this stuff. This also is not my only resource for doing this work. I started a thread in Female abuse about healing the infant self that got no traction. It's hasn't been easy to pull together interest in infant/early child abuse by both parents with being gay. So, I'm asking for honest feedback and guidance here.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465576 - 05/21/14 04:51 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
Hi Don -

No worries about hi-jacking my thread post away my friend. If you feel more comfortable posting here for feedback received so far, then please do.

Sorry, I can't give feedback on healing the infant self, because I have not gone there yet. I have had flashbacks with regards to that stage but I am not connected with the child inside of me on what has happened. For me, it is like each past day has its own container, but I am doing better in getting to a place where you are. By recalling days, from the "present" and working backwards. I do know I am ticked at my egg donor term I use as she doesn't deserve the word mother.

I am truly trying to find the compassion to love myself in stages of my life, just not there yet.

Sorry, I can't be of more help.

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#465580 - 05/21/14 08:01 AM Re: Handling all this BS from the past. [Re: standingstrong]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi J,

I sure haven't healed my infant self, it's just what I have finally figured out I need to do. I have been completely dissociated from any accurate memories of my abuse. I'm sure my father raped me at age 8. But, I have no memory of it.


The way it has worked for me is that I have a totally detached knowledge of things that have happened to me with absolutely no feeling connection. I still don't have feelings connections to much. I had a dream last night, a horrible horrible dream of about age 1. My father was sexually molesting me. At first it was pleasant, but then he started putting his weight on me, and I became hysterical. I know this was the original event where I shut down totally my ability to feel and am lucky to not have moved into severe autism.

I only got the briefest glances of a memory out of the dream interpretation. I have had pieces of the emotional content from this dream for years. Mainly in the awareness of a claustrophobia that I knew had the ability to cause me psychic death. It is only now with learning to consciously hold my infant self in love and safety while feeling the feelings that I am able to work back to the causes of my challenges. Even so, it was a brutal and disturbing 15 minutes after waking to get my conscious adult self in gear to point out the realities of me not being in danger in the present. And, that I have the ability to learn to not let people with that kind of energy into my life.

My mother systematically terrorized me into submission as a sex toy in infancy and early childhood. She was a monster for an infant. Her deception and manipulation made me pretty crazy. I am learning how to work out of it, but it is slow work.

For me, it involves figuring how to get to the feeling level. Nothing changed for me until I started getting there. And, that only happened during the past year at age 64. So, I am very, very respectful of things that are blocked off. For me, I trust that they will surface when it is safe to do so.

I've had flashbacks for 20 years that I didn't understand at the time, and didn't know to call them flashbacks. But, they were all part of a process of unlocking a hidden me that makes sense to me now and is very useful to me now. If I hadn't received the flashbacks, figuring things out would have been impossible and the information would have been too intense to take at one time.

I've been doing a lot of rage work with my mother. Hitting, punching and kicking pillows. Learning to scream with my hand over my mouth so I don't disturb the neighbors, learning to do a low but intense bass rattle that doesn't hurt my throat too much but does spew a lot of venom at her. It can often take me a few days before I figure out I need to do rage work, because my young self believed she may kill me if I make any noise.

I don't know about anyone else, but support is all I need. I don't really need anyone to do anything. It's just that the effects of abuse can result is such isolation, and being with other survivors who are able to show care and are able to share themselves at a feeling level makes me feel part of a brotherhood, and is nourishing for me.

Thanks,

Don


Edited by don64 (05/21/14 08:05 AM)
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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