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#465565 - 05/20/14 11:38 PM Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers)
cant_remember Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1050
OK,

Last week my therapist suggested I consider taking an antidepressant, and tonight at dinner, a friend told me the same thing. Apparently, I'm not fun to be around.

My response to both of them (as it always is with anyone who brings this up) is that I won't take anything with a suicide warning. And that's usually the end of the conversation because all (or nearly all) antidepressants come with a suicide warning on the label, right?

I live alone, so if I decided to start taking an SSRI (or SNRI), I wouldn't have anyone to monitor my behavior, especially at night. I have DID as well as PTSD, and one of my component selves has a death wish: he just wants to die. I let him speak sometimes in private (not even my therapists have heard him). All he says are things like, "Kill me," and "I want to die."

There's another part of me that I think is already dead, died during the abuse, and I carry him around with me inside. There's a feeling that I will never be truly reconnected with what I've lost until I die.

But I, my primary self, don't want to die. That's why I'm afraid of antidepressants, and that's why I'm writing this post.

Does anyone have any advice on what has worked for you in terms of medication? My pot smoking is starting to severely impact my bronchial health, so that's another reason why I'm looking for something else that might work.

I'm trying to work through this, but it's hard.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#465566 - 05/20/14 11:53 PM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
You're a great guy. We want you to live.

Puffer

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#465588 - 05/21/14 10:13 AM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
don64 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1055
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Cant,

I took a number of different medications for depression, anxiety and panic. All medications were really hard on my body. There was a family of meds that made me very suicidal. I knew as soon as my suicidal feelings were attributable to the meds. It was obvious to me. My shrink, at the next session, said "you should have called me, I would have increased the dose." I said, NFW. You figure out something else that is likely to work for me.

The only thing I can say is I did make it through medications for several years, and in my opinion I needed the meds for those years. I needed a lot of help to get through my late 30's and early forties. For me, without the meds, I would have had very serious problems with impulse control. The only thing you can do is listen to your own intuition. You'll know if it is the right thing to do. You are the only one who can ever truly know what is right for you. Now, if you are not able to care for yourself, and are unable to make necessary decisions about your safety, that will become obvious also, because ultimately others will try to make choices for you. It all needs to make sense to you, IMO.

In my 60's I still require meds for panic and anxiety. But, I found an over the counter concoction I cleared 12 years ago with a shrink I respected. I remember how difficult a time it was for me when I began to explore depression meds.

Sending you love and support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465617 - 05/21/14 08:31 PM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
Rustam Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 474
Loc: UK
I think it is worth considering using them I wouldn't give any advice either way as I don't have DID experience. I have used antidepressants in the past for a couple of years at a time. Once when I was very depressed, I was too depressed to be suicidal (the sort of depression when you can hardly move), when the SSRI started to kick in and I was feeling more energetic the suicide thoughts did get troublesome for a couple of weeks as the depression lifted. This is a risk with them. Overall the antidepressants were a big help to me, I have not used them in years now and hope not to need them again but if I did need them I would use them again without hesitation.

I guess I would let the therapist know your concerns about the death wish self to whatever extent you feel able too, the more the T knows about your worries and internal life the better.

Hope you can get clearer on what is right and safe for you.

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#465628 - 05/21/14 11:28 PM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
kcinohio Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 468
Loc: Ohio
Challenging situation. Found with dissociation stuff that I did have to take more responsibility for my therapy care in relation to advice given. Sounds like you're doing that with voicing concerns here.

I don't have experience with pot really, so not sure how that's impacting the mix. From a recovering alcoholic perspective myself, know one may be surprised with how much substances play into dysfunctional dynamic, but pot's a different substance effect than alcohol.

As for death-wish personality, just repeatedly engaging in communication without judgment may be a way to get something more to "mutually" work with.

Trigger warning: What you wrote about dead-already part - as someone that worked with dissociation disorder recovery for over a decade before things cleared up well enough, to me, that sounds either like it could be total person before a DID split took place, or just a part asleep when presenting aspect is up, or, if part is dead as it were (& I don't want to go into the ethereal meanings attached to that), then from my way of thinking there's nothing to carry around with you now from it. A living body in this life is for the living, in my view. That's getting a little esoteric, doubt many outside the dissociative range experience would even both with fathoming it, but resolving that might help lighten the perceived load. Just a thought.

Hoping you come to some solution that is progressively healing for you.

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#465655 - 05/22/14 09:50 AM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1050
KC,

I am well-versed in the ethereal, esoteric, and down-right spooky implications of what it might mean to be part dead and part alive. I don't talk about this much, or ever, but I feel like the dead part of me has given me something of a mystical connection to the other side of things.

When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I read a book in the library about strange mysteries, and there was a story of an 18-year-old Egyptian boy who complained of stomach pains, and when the surgeons opened him up, they found his twin brother alive inside of him with hair and fingernails. That story really rattled me then, like I recognized it in some way.

That could be simply the DID presenting itself, and like you said, KC, it could just be that I am perceiving as dead a part of me that is just asleep when my primary self is at the wheel.

But I don't think that's it. I think part of me is dead. Like I'm a paraplegic except instead of having a worthless pair of legs confined to a wheel chair, I have a worthless sexuality that is something that was imprinted upon me and not what I was born with.

How to grieve the loss of who I could have been, who I was for the few brief years before the abuse took it from me before I ever even knew what it was or why it was important -- that's what I'm struggling with.

How can I grieve the loss of my sexuality and move on and still live?

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#465685 - 05/22/14 11:24 PM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 468
Loc: Ohio
Hi cant,

Not sure what to suggest on how to grieve the loss of sexual innocence (or is it naivete?) - believe that works out differently for different people over time.

As for moving on, one thing I found helpful was to purposefully make changes, something where I chose it to move on and follow through from that. While I personally didn't get a tattoo, but did make a significant legal change, thought of a book I read sometime ago in connection with the topic -

http://www.amazon.com/7-Tattoos-A-Memoir-Flesh/dp/0140273905

Should note that the author actually suggests against adding tattoos for life changes in book's pages, but was one of the metaphorical things I found helpful as I was going through a particularly difficult round in my abuse recovery at the turn of the century around when I read it. So, making some significant change, for me, although in a different way, was for me a catalyst for eventually moving on. I made a change first, strongly separating a before-after and that helped result in moving on eventually, rather than waiting to move on emotionally, before I'd change something in response. In other words, the action preceded the attitude change rather than the reverse.

As for still living, while I had to remind myself to "just breathe" at times, that seemed to take care of itself, even through the times I wasn't so keen on the idea of continuing to live in the first place.

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#465709 - 05/23/14 04:46 PM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1050
It's not my sexual innocence or naiveté that I lost that bothers me most (although I did lose those), it's rather this:

I feel like I was born a straight boy (to the degree a prepubescent child can have a sexuality), maybe the best way to say it is that I was born to become a straight man, or I feel like I was.

However, the abuse re-wired my neuronic brain pathways associated with sex, and the only thing that occupies my fantasy life and primary sexual outlets is recreating the abuse in the role of the victim with a man that reminds me of my abuser.

I have proved to myself earlier this year that I am capable of performing sexually as a straight man in a relationship, but when she dumped me, the emotional vulnerability that I have felt is what has led me to this state of existential despair.

Which has led to me believe that I cannot function as a straight man, even though that is what I was born to be, because of the emotional risks associated with feelings of rejection and abandonment are too extreme to be safe.

And I'm certainly not "gay" in any traditional sense of the word. Although my primary sexual release is through sex with men, it's never peer-age men. Always with men decades older than myself.

Which disgusts me. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trapped. Trapped inside a body and a primary sexuality that does not belong to my primary persona. That's what the old bastard did to me, and what I struggle with every morning when I wake up.

Does that make sense?

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#465710 - 05/23/14 05:04 PM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1055
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Cant,

It makes perfect sense to me. I'm gay. I was born to be a gay man. The brutal sexual assaults my father made on me in early childhood, as well as most likely a brutal rape at age 8 that is still completely blocked from any emotional connection and mostly blocked from any "knowing" connection seriously damaged my ability to have sex with men. I have dissociated chemical memories that cause me to involuntarily gag whenever I smell semen. Pretty damaging for a gay man. I know my father forced himself on me, I choked on his semen, couldn't breathe, thought I was going to die while he was beating me and telling me I was bad. I tried sex with women when I was younger, there was just no emotional connection for me.

I'm not giving up. I may not clear this up completely in one lifetime, but, I find as I move further and further back in time, and as I learn to hold my blocked parts in consciousness with love, compassion, and safety, AND let those parts feel in safety, they begin to shift. And, my thinking begins to shift. This is very new for me and I'm not saying I'm very good at it yet, but it is something I can do and believe can improve on with practice. It means I hopefully have the ability to re-parent myself through my own imagination and strength. It has been a very brutal process for me so far, but it seems there is hope.

Sending you love and support.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465723 - 05/23/14 11:54 PM Re: Antidepressants & suic*de warnings (Triggers) [Re: cant_remember]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 468
Loc: Ohio
Cant, breakups with emotional vulnerability can lead to existential despair for even those not abused when younger, so I'd read that experience sequence as part of a recovery cycle.

If it had been a breakup, then triggered to act out recreating abuse without any emotional sensation involved, then that would read as stuck to me.

With healing, both the good news and the bad news at times is one gets to experience one's feelings again. At lest, that's been my experience.

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