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#465532 - 05/20/14 11:24 AM Looking for answers
coffeelady Offline


Registered: 05/18/14
Posts: 5
My husband is a CSA . He told me about this years ago. Last summer it came out that he had been exposing himself to women that we know. Apparently this has been going on for years and nobody told me until last year. Our sex life has been dwindling for years and we have seen a ton of doctors to figure out why. Of course he could have an erection for the women he exposed himself to but could hardly ever get one with me. I understand that this problem is about the CSA, but I still feel neglected. He and I are both in separate therapy, which is helping, but there has been almost no closeness in our marriage for about 12 of our 15 years of being married. The no intimacy part is killing me!!! I have suggested just trying to get reacquainted with each other with no sexual ending. I can't even get him to try this. Can any survivor out there give me any tips that may help us?

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#465546 - 05/20/14 05:25 PM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I have been recently been talking with a woman about non-sexual touching. It is just about building the bridge of communication and bonding. I like this idea and have been recently doing more of this, affirming affection to my wife.

Years ago, I had a dwindling desire for her. I am not sure what exactly it was. I did talk to someone and was just asked what I found attractive or exciting. So I shared with my wife some things I liked and she was unexpectedly willing and even enthusiastic to do anything I asked of her.

I don't know you or your man. But I do know we as survivors were damaged in sexual ways, mostly in mental things associated with sex. As I felt layers of trauma being remembered, I also felt new levels of fear and even dysfunction. I don't know exactly why but I wanted her to be something new and different, exciting. I was tempted to find that new thing elsewhere. I was slowly convinced to ask her to.

I don't know what layer of trauma was uncovered, but it did eventually pass. I have kept up with asking my wife to be any fantasy I have. She is actually having fun with it.

I recently was able to come to terms with not having any blame in my abuse. It seemed to be the key to self respect for me. I feel worthy of a woman's love and adoration as her loving husband. It was a 5-7 year ride from secret desires to have sex with the little goth cutie at the 7-11 to accepting who I am and stopping destructive behavior. Now I just buy my bride a goth outfit and keep it at home.

I did not give any concrete answers. But I shared a desire to act out and really don't know all the answers why. I have come to terms with my innocence as a child and value as a man, husband, and father.

Hope this helps. Your mileage may vary.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465547 - 05/20/14 06:15 PM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Hi coffee lady:

Shame. Shame sucks. And your husband's behavior sounds like part of a shame cycle to me. Read Ken Singer's book - Evicting the Perpetrator. And read back on some posts about shame. For people who don't live with the daily weight of toxic shame, it is so hard to understand.

I love On The Fringe, but I will say I slightly disagree with free reign of fantasy. I think honesty is important but I also think we need to be cognizant of how we train our brains re sexual pleasure. It sounds like your husband trained his brain in a way that is pretty common for CSA victims. It is a process of retraining, which means abstaining from the unwanted behavior and teaching the brain to make new connections. Obviously he has to understand this and then want to participate. To put it roughly, we can teach ourselves to orgasm to anything and we can teach ourselves that we can only orgasm or gain arousal from something specific - be it traditional or not. TRIGGER WARNING. For example, as a woman, you know that you could teach yourself to orgasm only from manual stimulation and that if you create a long standing pattern of this, eventually it would be the only way to achieve it. In the sexually-abused brain, sex and shame are linked so intimately that often we see people seeking out those things that logic tells us would be repulsive. But its an old brain thing. And its hard to work on - especially as the partner. Is he seeing someone who is specialized in survivors? Or specifically in sex addiction?

I also urge you to try not to take it personally. I know it is so very hard because you are craving the intimacy. He is acting out old impulses, ones that predate you and thus are not a reflection of you.

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#465564 - 05/20/14 11:30 PM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
coffeelady Offline


Registered: 05/18/14
Posts: 5
Thanks so much for all the great advice. I am trying to be understanding about all this, but am truly having a hard time. I only hope that he can re-learn to be happy with me. He goes to therapy once a week and also attends sex addiction meetings weekly. Hopefully I can make it through his healing time.

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#465577 - 05/21/14 05:59 AM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Please understand you are not the problem.

I look back and know I caused my wife some pain and heartache. On the other side of things now, I am truly thankful for her courage.

CSA is just not fair or nice.

Best wishes
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465864 - 05/27/14 03:00 PM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
coffeelady Offline


Registered: 05/18/14
Posts: 5
Well, things seem to be going better. My husband and I are communicating more now. I know in my head that I am not the problem, it's just hard for the heart to understand. He's not ready for any non sexual touching yet, but I hope and pray that with time he can. He says he's not having the bad urges right now, but I know that can change in a second. I am hanging in there and will keep you updated. Thanks for the words and hope!!!

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#465969 - 05/29/14 04:12 PM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
Judith Offline


Registered: 05/08/14
Posts: 28
Loc: USA
It helps if you can stay in touch here and have ongoing support so you can see the difference between healthy stuff he didnt get and what happen to him. Yes it is hard for the heart to understand even when you have been a survivor and healed and hear someone else story.
But he needs nonsexual touch. THat is what is going to help him to heal. Ask him if you can start small with just a hug at first. I can that for a lot of reasons which I can share here but due to time for now I will say this. For sexual abuse victims and I have seen it pay off with male and female that nonsexual touch helps one to heal sexually.
The parents if they had done their job right would have given him nonsexual touch throughout childhood daily and from birth on. And help him to know how to handle the sexual side of him.
The nonsexual touch that parents would have given him would have helped him sexually on the wedding nite.
So for him to know what feelings etc need healing nonsexual touch is going to help that to be open. IT takes time for him to get comfrotable with it but he will in time and he heals faster if he has it.
Wendy Maltz in her book Sexual Healing Journey which would be good for you to read and eventually him-to help you understand what he needs to do to heal. She works with sexual abuse surivors and is a sex therapist.
She and I agree and it has helped me and others in that relearning touch is what survivors need to heal. Retrain not only alot of stuff but retrain automatic reflexes etc. biological responses to his control and not the jerk.
Nonsexual touch will help that

There is an article on the net which confirm what i know to be true in that we all need nonsexual touch and people are afraid to do it and as a result sexual abuse is increase instead of decrease. IT has proven when anyone , your husband and children get nonsexual touch it not only heals the sexual abuse but also shows anyone and childrne the difference between the two of sexual abuse etc and healthy nonsexual touch.

Please

You can always write me in a Private message or whatever they call it here

Judith

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#466958 - 06/24/14 09:28 PM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
coffeelady Offline


Registered: 05/18/14
Posts: 5
We hug and hold hands daily, but if I don't initiate touching, nothing happens. He has no sexual feelings towards me. I wish that he would but nothing happens. We have no problems communicating with each other, but I try not to make him feel stressed about sex. I have read so many stories of the sexual healing never happening and that they never have a good sex life again. I have been with my husband 17 years and married for 15. We started having sexual problems at year 3 into the marriage and looked into all different reasons why this could be happening. He just couldn't become aroused around me. This really does a number on a persons psyche. When we married I was a size 6 and now, 12 years later I am a size 16. Food became my passion since there was none in my marriage. I have tried many diets with no success. I hate this problem and now that I can't count on anything going back to normal, do I stay or do I start preparing myself to be on my own.

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#466977 - 06/25/14 12:05 PM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 263
Loc: us
Focus on you. Work on you. Get your sense of self back. Rediscover what makes you beautiful. Its wonderful when our partners decide to progress and grow with us but when they hit a wall it does us no good to get trapped with them. This is something I've learned from my relationship with my H. If he stops moving forward and I do the same it only adds to the pain and confusion. Its was hard for me at first to throw up my hands and say "okay this is your thing you do what your going to do with it but I refuse to sacrifice my self to it". But now that I had done that I'm finally getting me back the woman both of us love. The woman who is kind but strong and doesn't take crap from anybody. Deciding to stay or go is a big decision and it is one you should make from a place of mental clarity if possible. So if you can let his crap ride for awhile and just do what it takes to get yourself on solid ground.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#467003 - 06/26/14 01:11 AM Re: Looking for answers [Re: coffeelady]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I applaud you for being able to see the way you are punishing yourself. But I challenge you to not do his work for him - aka, you don't deserve punishment, regardless of his journey. HD is totally right - you have to look inside yourself and build an independent and strong person - and then decide what it is you want for your life - and then get it wink

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