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#46543 - 06/27/03 04:07 PM Hardest thing to post---Trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am sit here for most ten minutes with the subject title only, not knowing how to say this. But this near kills me last night, and I am trying hard to not want to die, so I need to say it. I was in chat room here yesterday, and that is some hard for me, because I have hard time to keep up with what is said. But I try, and then someone says something of "maybe I don't need a dad anymore" or some words like that. And it is something that simple that throws me crazy. It is not a memory of what is suppressed, it is something I always know and remember. But I never think of it as bad until now, and now it make me feel sick. For me, my father, he always hurts me and my mom before he leave us, so I do not think I need father any more. But my mom, she always is too good to me, she take such good care of me and love me, and always is support of what I do, she would never do anything to hurt me, she is most perfect and good person in my life for so long time. When my father leave, she tell me she does not need man anymore, she has me. She is always love at me, she never hurts me, it is nothing of that. But as long as I can remember, until I leave home, she will touch me privately, in that area, she says it is to see that I am growing up right, that I am growing big. I was very small when I am born and when I am little, and so she would worry that I not grow right. She not hurt me, ever. For long time, almost 7 years, we rent room from another family. We will be allowed to use kitchen, but then else, we live in our one room, my grandmother and mom and me. Much time I will sleep on the floor then, but sometimes my mom would have me sleep with her. She would hug me close and tell me she loves me, which make me feel very good, even though I can not sleep with person that close at me, it was small bed. Sometimes she would touch me there privately, and fall asleep with hand there. She never hurt me, she make it feel good. It is some same of what my coach does, he would touch us there too, but it is rough and not right. But it not feel bad with her, that touch. I think always that it can not be bad, it does not feel bad, does not hurt, and she is my mom, she will do nothing to hurt me. But last night, first time, it feels wrong, and make me sick and crazy. This is my MOM, my MOM, person who is loves me most, my every family person. I can't lose my mom, I will lose my being and my family to do that. I keep to try tell myself she does not know it is wrong, she just loves me. But inside me, I am knowing it wrong, and it make me sick and crazy all over again. She not hurt me like my father, like my coach, but she hurt me more than them. I am sorry, it is hard, but i need to post this here, or I do not know what happens of me. I can not say she abusese me, she does not hurt me.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#46544 - 06/27/03 05:24 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, Leosha, it's me David, take it easy.

Your Mom sounds like she may have some boundary problems. You know, you're her "baby," her husband is gone and she wants to feel close to you. If you tell her that makes you uncomfortable that may be the end of it.
I know that in some cultures, it is a big deal that Mothers or Aunts, maybe others, will chide small boys into showing them how he has grown up. And they procede to get the poor kid to drop his drawers to show them the size of his penis.
I think this just recently happened with that cuban boy who was the political football down in Florida.
I would try to talk to your Mother and ask her to stop, you may not have to take it any further than that.
I have to run an errand and will check back with you later.
You're in control, Leosha, you can set the rules.
Your brother, David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#46545 - 06/27/03 05:37 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
David, I am sorry to confuse, this does not happen now, it happens when I live at home. It stops 5 years ago when I move here, she does not do this now. But it is on me, because I do not tell her no, or not to do that. I feel bad, that I blame her in my head, it is not right that I do that. Thank you, I am sorry this makes not sense.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#46546 - 06/27/03 06:47 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Leosha,

First of all I am so sorry for all that you have had to endure. The pain and confusion caused by SA is horrible. And unfortunately, from what you write it seems to me that your mother was sexually abusing you. It is not acceptable to touch a child in the way you seem to describe. She wasn't doing it to make sure you were grown up right, she was abusing you.

I know how hard it must be to consdier that your mother, whom you seem to love very much, has hurt you but she did. Just because it wasn't painful does not mean that it was not harmful.

And the primary and biggest thing you need to know Leosha, and I want you to read this carefully, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AND IT NEVER WAS! You are not to blame for her abusing you, you are not to blame for feeling pleasure, and you are not to blame for believing that it was wrong and not doing anything.

Remember that last paragraph. Be gentle with yourself Leosha.

Eric


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#46547 - 06/27/03 07:05 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Leosha,

My friend, re-read the thread "Defining Your Sexual Abuse," including your own post, at http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=002148

Use that to help you sort out whether or not your mother sexually abused you. Becuz as hard as it might be to face, you need to know the truth. And only you can decide for you whether it was abuse or not, Leosha.

From my own experience, it was very difficult for me to think my mother sexually abused me. For many years I had flashes & feelings about her touching me kinda like you talk about your mother touching you, but I kept pushing the feelings back down, tho down inside I knew she had abused me. Only 2 years ago did I really remember and admit what she did to me.

However I should add that this is my experience, and that my mother on different occasions also forced me to have intercourse with her. So my situation was different.

Leosha I hurt for you. I had this same feeling about not wanting to lose my mother too.

But then I realized I never really had a mother anyway...

victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#46548 - 06/27/03 08:35 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thank you for response to this. I do not still know what I think of this. Is it normal thing, to not find it an offense all this time, then have it be bad now? I do not know. Is it maybe she do not do any wrong thing, but I make it wrong in my head now that I do not think right?

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#46549 - 06/27/03 09:25 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Leo,
I dont know what to say about all of this so I'll just give you a cyber hug.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Just dont give up, no matter what.
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#46550 - 06/27/03 09:40 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, your Dad was abusive to you and so you just had your Mom to show you love. Then Dad left and you and Mom were alone. We love our Moms and they love us when we are in a healthy family.

I doubt that Russian culture would say that a mother can touch a grown child in his or her genitals. That does not make your Mom a demon, As Eric said, she did an abusive thing, and I think David mentioned boundaries. When we speak of boundaries we mean putting limits on who can touch our body and where and even when.

You are begining to see that you had and have a right to make decisons about your body. For a while, you thought that you had no rights to tell your Mom or your coach to STOP! No you know you can tell anyone to stop. And you can allow what you want to allow.

I don't think it odd that you thought it was a loving thing your Mom was doing even though you felt embarassed by it, and that now you think differently.

Leosha, you can say that your Mom did something that she should not have done, that in fact she abused you, AND you can still love her and not have to declare her a monster.

We have one or the other man here, who was abused and abused badly by someone, and now they are a partner or close friend of that someone. They do not say that what happened was ok. They just say that things are different now.

Your mother is not abusing you now. Good! The past was wrong, but you do not have to feel hatred for her today. I think sometimes, we may make it sound as though if we don't all have extreme hatred for those who harmed us, we are letting the other survivors down. But we are not saying that.

You make lots of good sense to me Leosha, and, as you see, you have made a lot of new friends here.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#46551 - 06/28/03 05:10 PM Re: Hardest thing to post---Trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thank you, those who read and respond at this. I was not going to post it, I post it, wanted it to go back away. So not sure of this. But I feel better of this now. A friend from the other site I join, I talk at him long time yesterday, and he help me to realize, to have my mom do something wrong, or even bad, does not mean SHE is bad, does not mean I lose her or have to hate her. My coach, he is all bad, I hate him. Is easy. Same as my father. My mom, that make me feel it is harder. But I feel better of it now, now to just work on other sh*t! Thank you!

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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