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#465482 - 05/18/14 10:42 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Hi Learning

I agree heartily. An atmosphere of tolerance and acceptance is great to grow.

My wife is my best friend and partner on the journey to normalcy.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#469761 - 09/06/14 12:32 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
journey4two Offline


Registered: 08/26/14
Posts: 39
I realize this was posted some time ago, but I thought it was so beautiful that I had to comment. Wonderful encouragement (and a few knowing tears).

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#474899 - 01/11/15 08:33 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
WontGiveUp Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 42
Reading this gives me hope. THANKYOU so much.....

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#474959 - 01/12/15 09:50 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
lucybrown Offline


Registered: 01/12/15
Posts: 3
Thank you for this post. I come here regularly but only joined today because it's very difficult being married to a survivor who isolates and lashes out at me after 23 years of marriage. I'll be honest--this last year during his first in therapy--has put me in a place of not knowing if I can do this anymore. Being berated and screamed at and abused and frightened for so many years is taking its toll. But this post really helped me realize that maybe I can help. Just by being here. It hasn't worked so far because he doesn't trust anyone, not even me. My being here and loving him hasn't helped or proved to him that I love him. He hasn't really realized yet what he's doing when he slips into that other guy--the one who abuses me. Waiting 23 years for a man who actually sees me, who notices that I'm alive and actually asks "How are you?" or who respects me as a full human being while I keep our entire family running is a very hard place to be. But because of this post, I'll keep trying. Thank you.

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#475005 - 01/13/15 01:36 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
DaiseyLady Offline


Registered: 12/22/14
Posts: 11
Hi LucyBrown,

I'd like to PM you but it looks like you haven't tuned it on yet. Glad you found a supportive place.

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#475013 - 01/13/15 03:09 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 168
Lucybrown,
it can get better. A lot of us notice it actually gets worse after our men start therapy...mine has been going for 1.5 years now. Things aren't perfect...they aren't even as good as they once were, but in my man's case, I know he feels badly for how he treats me sometimes and I know he is trying to heal himself and trying not to hurt me in the process. I will pray that with his therapists help he will soon realize that he cannot continue to treat you as he has in years past, that you are an important stabilizing and supporting force for his healing. Is his therapist aware of your feelings? Perhaps having a chat with his therapist regarding home-life from your perspective would be beneficial.

Feel free to send me a message; I'm here for you

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#475226 - 01/16/15 09:50 AM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
lucybrown Offline


Registered: 01/12/15
Posts: 3
Thank you, DaiseyLady and Mishka95673. I'm pretty sure his therapist knows how I feel. It sounds like you've been through something very similar and I appreciate you sharing with me here. When the screaming and accusations start I know he's not himself and I know he's not really talking to me...he's talking to his abuser. But after so many years of this, I'm finding it hard to sit here and take the abuse meant for someone else. I feel done at those moments. Just done. We talk about it a lot, but if that behavior doesn't stop, then my staying here will damage my kids. I don't want them growing up in a place where they see this sort of thing and think it's okay. I don't want them to marry abusive people.

I keep my PM turned off because I work long hours and answer 100+ emails for my job every day. But thank you both for your posts. It's somehow nice to feel not alone, even though I wish my life was different vs. finding support in order to continue enduring this abuse. I'm so glad I finally posted something.

Thank you! And thank you again for this original post learning2luvme. It helped me see a lot of things.

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#475230 - 01/16/15 12:07 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
DaiseyLady Offline


Registered: 12/22/14
Posts: 11
LB,

I so get the 100+ emails a day thing smile

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#475236 - 01/16/15 12:51 PM Re: Thank you Honey for not giving up on me :-) [Re: learning2luvme]
Mishka95673 Offline


Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 168
Lucy
Glad if something I said was helpful to you. I know first hand how hard it is when our men are struggling and we are on the receiving end of unpleasant behavior...been there myself.

I also work with a NAMI support group and am involve with Psych Central. What I have learned is that regardless of what are men are experiencing, establishing and maintaining boundaries are good. I myself am a CSA survivor, and a survivor of other forms of abuse too. I have dealt with the past and remain in the present leading a successful, productive, and happy life. I love myself enough to maintain a very important boundary...people in my life are not allowed to mistreat me. I am not a victim and will not play the victim, not even for my man.

Does he like to intentionally hurt me? Yes...he says it is fun. I don't permit the behavior and he recognizes it as a boundary he is not permitted to cross. Most of the time now when he sees he isn't treating me well, he catches himself, apologizes, and stops. He does this because there have been plenty of times when I have said "I love you and see you are having a hard time right now and are taking it out on me. I look forward to talking with you when you are feeling better and can treat me the way I deserve to be treated." And then I hang up...or leave. He has now learned to text me and just say "I'm feeling antisocial. I hope you don't mind if I don't call tonight. Please don't get mad."

Oftentimes abuse is unavoidable...if it was avoidable, we wouldn't be here. But sometimes abuse is avoidable and when someone is lovingly reminded they are crossing boundaries, they learn over time to prevent crossing the boundary. It's hard of course...always being prepared to leave if the important boundaries cannot be respected...but I guarantee the men who love us want us safe and happy which means maintaining the boundary.

Now, by the same token, I am careful to let him know when I am feeling insecure, unloved, emotional, etc and for me to avoid adding stress to his life.

You don't have to stand there and listen to him ran, my sister...you can tell him you love him, grab the kids, and go to the movies. He may not be able to say it, but he wants you an the kids safe

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