Glad if something I said was helpful to you. I know first hand how hard it is when our men are struggling and we are on the receiving end of unpleasant behavior...been there myself.
I also work with a NAMI support group and am involve with Psych Central. What I have learned is that regardless of what are men are experiencing, establishing and maintaining boundaries are good. I myself am a CSA survivor, and a survivor of other forms of abuse too. I have dealt with the past and remain in the present leading a successful, productive, and happy life. I love myself enough to maintain a very important boundary...people in my life are not allowed to mistreat me. I am not a victim and will not play the victim, not even for my man.
Does he like to intentionally hurt me? Yes...he says it is fun. I don't permit the behavior and he recognizes it as a boundary he is not permitted to cross. Most of the time now when he sees he isn't treating me well, he catches himself, apologizes, and stops. He does this because there have been plenty of times when I have said "I love you and see you are having a hard time right now and are taking it out on me. I look forward to talking with you when you are feeling better and can treat me the way I deserve to be treated." And then I hang up...or leave. He has now learned to text me and just say "I'm feeling antisocial. I hope you don't mind if I don't call tonight. Please don't get mad."
Oftentimes abuse is unavoidable...if it was avoidable, we wouldn't be here. But sometimes abuse is avoidable and when someone is lovingly reminded they are crossing boundaries, they learn over time to prevent crossing the boundary. It's hard of course...always being prepared to leave if the important boundaries cannot be respected...but I guarantee the men who love us want us safe and happy which means maintaining the boundary.
Now, by the same token, I am careful to let him know when I am feeling insecure, unloved, emotional, etc and for me to avoid adding stress to his life.
You don't have to stand there and listen to him ran, my sister...you can tell him you love him, grab the kids, and go to the movies. He may not be able to say it, but he wants you an the kids safe