i used to drink a couple veggie drinks a day.
of course with protein.
i went from 220 lbs. to 167... took a little while.
I cant workout.. i fktd up my upper , lower body.
i ALLOWED to think of making this dessert and that.
my dad dont care!
i dont know who i am.
i dont love me.
i manage.
my dad doesnt care!
i ate alot of shit , lately.
still cant workout.
i must be at least 190lbs. right now.
i still live in wpg, manitoba.
I can breathe here and there.
I tried Buddhism lately, some works, or worked another,didnt.
And.
i dont know my sexuality.
I seee my dad.
kiril.
he doesnt care!
I was going to post this on IPA ewail.
or Primal Support Group.
But. i ignored that.
So i came here.
My dad doesnt care!
i am in his disgusting room.
He is eating right now.
He doesnt care!!
I want to help my mom- get a gym membership
but
billie (cousin) .her mum beat the shit out of me.
My dad doesnt care!
and.
i havent developed in my boy body, yet!
my dad, doesnt care!
He cares about billie and meri.
his neices or his children.
i ...dont care!
I would like to go camping or do something that
doesnt involve eating.
But they say,, the books , therapist "you are not alone"!
REally?
where is my dad?
eating!
with his mom and dad.
where is goran
who cares?
i guess i should care ,if i dont what will happen?
maybe i should kill myself that way billie can have
.. her faggy dad .
and i have to care?
or may be i should kill myself and then my dad
really wont care.
This is my job. to care.
bored.
i dont hate me.
but i hate it when i visit my dad and he doesnt care.
i would love it if this piece of garbage would say
"goran what is bothering you , why do you need to eat?
"well, dad you touched me.
and you made me believe that i dont matter.
and so .. every time i think of love i have sex, with food.
and then i gain weight.
and you notice.
but you dont give a shit.
i cant leave this city because i hurt my body,
a lot.
You dont care!
what should i do?
...wait please dont answer dad..b/c you are a monster.
and you dont care.
and i needed you.
i needed you to care.
you dont care!
you care about billile
that is who you care about.
I never had a girlfriend dad.
NEVER! you dont care.
I was downstairs, just now, you dont care.
why should i care about you? . i cant and wont.
I have a hard time saying hi.
i have a hard time talking.
You think ... think.... think.
You dont care.
I am a poet. or .. i have been provided with love,
you will never love me.
You ,love your penis.
that you love.
You dont care.
If i could leave i would travel and see some good people.
This is a damn good world.
it is you dad and your brother and the rest of you who make
it shitty for us!
and you dont care.
You care about your penis you care about your appetite.
You care about your nationality. your country.
i am glad you left you country b/c for that i am lucky to be
here in canada.
but now i am 39 and i still havent had the life i need to be
with other guys and not be afraid , of..well you!
and you dont care.
so i type fast ..hoping i will ball my eyes out. dont
know what will happen , i am so scared, you ,your father,mother
you helped them. nOt me! them!
you love your mom ..and my brain... tells me " well why does
he care so much about them? why cant i be loved, protected?
why why. why.
i think you dont care.
so i write and piss people off. I love mum.
Lately, she cant care b/c my brain says "if you cant trust kiril , then.. you have to say bye bye to mum too.
And now i dont care.
Do you see how this isnt working well..? ... we need to care.
B/c there are alot of kids who need to be cared for.
But you dont care.
selfish, that is you! selfish. Chaucer helped me, he helped me. i fuktd up alot. well, not that much.
but i deserve to be loved. but i am so scared of you.
and when i come over, it isnt right that i feed myself to stay
quiet,to make life easier for you.
that is what i was taught. and then you love your self.
Shame on you,daddy. shame on you.
i hope you suffer. i do.
and forgiveness maybe, but FORGET. not in a fucking million
lives. you deserve jail. prison.
i am a nice guy, who loves people.
and shocker , i have a hard time gettting close to women
b/c your sister in law and your daughters killed me in
the years i dont know.
it is hard to love. you should come on malesurvivor and
tell these guys who you are and why you think you are such
a great guy.
b/c you love. who in the fuck do you love?
the miom or dad you never had.
so i am now owned my ...dad isnt here. my dad
will never come and take me home.
but i will. i will take me home.
i once lived in los angeles and that i was never supposed to
know..that billie doesnt want to accept that her dad is gay.
and this is goran's secret. or was.
and i dont own people's problems.
i dont care!
i love people. but dont fuck with my mind.
ever.
love,
goran.
i love you.
goran