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#465212 - 05/11/14 02:28 AM Relating to people
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
A quick background.

I was abused and idolized my abuser. I was 7 he was 15 and my refuge to run to from drunk abusive parents. He was teaching me of being a man. It was fun and made me feel loved. He moved and I missed him.

Drugs and alcohol became part of life.

I was functioning gay for 3 years or so, I had some actual friends and a year or so long relationship. I enjoyed the sex.

I later met a woman and wanted her. I stayed straight from then on. Never questioned it and it does not matter to me really. I am at peace with it.

But I have noticed that I have more close or meaningful conversations about CSA with gays or straight women. Not that I have been having dozens of those conversations, maybe it is they relate to being outsiders or victims more often?

I have been helped thru tough times by a few gay friends. Nothing funny, just human compassion.

In looking at my questions on SSA, I am feeling it is also the ability to relate more than a sexual attraction thing.
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I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465308 - 05/13/14 09:59 PM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Hey Fringe,

I read your post and have one thing in common, that being most of my closest friends are gay or female. For me I think it comes from the fact that a straight married man and his fucked up married friends abused me. To this day I have few straight friends because frankly I don't trust them and I find I have little in common with them. I avoid interacting only if I have to.

My gay friends on the other hand have dealt with growing up gay in a homophobic society. Many have struggled in coming out. Many have been ridiculed for being different. Many of them then chose to love friends more than their own family out of necessity due to rejection by their own families. I have found them to be more compassionate.

Embrace who you are as a beautiful person. Don't let narrow minded people force you to put a label on yourself. You just be you. Chose whomever friends you feel give you the best support and allows you to reach out and grow.

I would not be alive today were it for the kindness of my gay friends and an amazing wife who refuses to give up on me no matter how ugly it can sometimes get.

Be strong.

Happy Healing!

L2LM

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#465326 - 05/14/14 03:58 AM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
Banjo596 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 44
Loc: Ohio
Just discussed something similar with my therapist yesterday. It has been bothering me that the few straight male friends I have disclosed the abuse to will never talk about it and it leaves me wondering (assuming) that they might think less of me as a person or that there is something 'wrong' with me.
She explained, which is not news, how women operate more from emotions and are more than willing to talk about things.
Men, for many reasons, societal, possible past history of same sex exploration that they may feel uncomfortable about, just may not feel comfortable discussing things.
I think as survivors who are healing/thriving, we are very open to discussing things and showing our emotions.
_________________________
Jeff

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#465330 - 05/14/14 04:40 AM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 828
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks Guys.

My abuse left me unable to discern, and so I stayed in abusive situations with others until very recently, in my 60's. I'm gay, but the problem for me has been an inability to figure out who to let in and who to not let into my heart space. I let every one in and so being with people has always been brutal for me. Your posts are further opening the space in me where discernment is in its infancy, but growing.

Thanks,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465331 - 05/14/14 06:41 AM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Some thought provoking posts.

I had never thought about the concept of who to open up to. Knowing how to select those people, who to trust.

I just look back at face value to the people that were there for me. I don't know that much about healthy relationships. Maybe it is more simple than I thought. Just accepting friends, accepting the support from them, regardless of their orientation.

The end result feels like being open to more loving and caring people is the best situation. I can understand why people are uncomfortable with CSA, it is uncomfortable to me.

Friends are friends!
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#465499 - 05/19/14 11:17 AM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
standingstrong Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 19
Loc: East Coast.. home of the best ...
OTF -

I could not agree more about being uncomfortable. One thing I have learned from all the reading, is not everyone is going to understand. Many treat it as having a hang nail with their comments of getting over it. With them I don't talk about it any more. And, with they have a subject they would like to get insight from me on, I give them little time. I look at it as them stealing compassion from me, yet not being able to gave any back. I have had friends that change the subject to what they had for lunch etc, and I let them know that I don't appreciate that.

I have also learned that I use the ted, "friend" to loosely most are acquaintances more then anything. And, who knows maybe they will move up the ladder.

I will say this, being more open about has helped me. If someone says I look to be having a lot going on in my mind I am honest and give a high level of it. Some have come around and ask more questions to try to be of help, others have not. I know it is not me it is them. I am okay with this because in the big picture of things I have learned I don't own my past, I was a child, with adults having me take part in adult actions which most normal adults would never do.

I find the more open I am the more open others are, on different subjects which we can relate too my abuse, or a smaller scale of abuse for them, where they still have the same reactions as I.

Sham is the worst emotion which I refuse to carry anymore, and it is my friends who are going to help me the most when it comes to this.

Hope this helps.

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#466267 - 06/05/14 11:14 PM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Hey OTF

It's interesting that my closest friend is straight and there are no females in my life aside from my wife of 37 years. I have never came out of the closet aside to a couple of people since there was no need to stir up people's feelings. My wife is the perfect partner for me, it's not a sexual relationship really but we love each other. I would never have married if some guys I knew hadn't pushed me into it. Back then you didn't want to mention "gay" otherwise it could get you beaten up. Interesting though that she was the only girl that i ever met more than once. I was married 5 weeks after meeting her.

I feel much more comfortable on the gay forum since I can express my sexuality more openly whereas on the other forums I wouldn't really mention it.

Thanks for the thread

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#466398 - 06/09/14 12:30 PM Re: Relating to people [Re: lapchinj]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Hey OTF

It's interesting that my closest friend is straight and there are no females in my life aside from my wife of 37 years. I have never came out of the closet aside to a couple of people since there was no need to stir up people's feelings. My wife is the perfect partner for me, it's not a sexual relationship really but we love each other. I would never have married if some guys I knew hadn't pushed me into it. Back then you didn't want to mention "gay" otherwise it could get you beaten up. Interesting though that she was the only girl that i ever met more than once. I was married 5 weeks after meeting her.

I feel much more comfortable on the gay forum since I can express my sexuality more openly whereas on the other forums I wouldn't really mention it.

Thanks for the thread

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff


You are very helpful and candid guy. I just hear the feelings and authenticity in what you share. Just my opinion, but your orientation does not matter to me.

The struggles to feel accepted, to feel actual self esteem based on our own good qualities as a person... That is what resonates.

Peace my friend.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#466401 - 06/09/14 01:39 PM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
lapchinj Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
hey OTF

My orientation never really mattered to me or my marriage either, because it is a life partnership for me. If I was straight I wouldn't fool around with women and I'm gay but I don't fool around with men. Partnership whether same sex or opposite sex is one of trust and feelings and doesn't have to depend on just one thing like sex. I feel if there is fooling around then there is no trust and therefore no partnership.

Being accepted as gay here and among a few select friends where I live makes my life just beautiful. In high school I knew I was gay but never came out. I was always with my boyfriend so we used to get bullied just because we were never seen with any girls. That automatically made us faggots to the bullies. From that experience I kept my mouth shut but I was really afraid that they would somehow find out that I was being pimped out and being used as a little cunt. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me then.

I was always afraid of being perceived as gay and I guess that was one of the reasons that I was willing to get married. Getting married to a woman made me "normal" in the eyes of fellow workers etc and wouldn't get me bullied further. I never imagined that it would work out so well and not have to be based on sex alone. After 37 years of marriage I still have never seen my wife naked shocked, and I have no need to see her either smile. Sex was always performed at night and let me have my own feelings about what was going on.

Thanks for the thread

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#466403 - 06/09/14 02:12 PM Re: Relating to people [Re: On The Fringe]
NoSimpleMachine Offline


Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 164
Loc: SF Bay Area
I feel very fortunate to have a couple straight male friends who I can speak openly about emotional and sexual things with; they seem to be able to relate via their own traumas (an abusive father, a mother lost to thyroid cancer) and aren't squicked by talk of sexuality. They are genuinely curious about any insights into homosexuality that takes them above and beyond the standard cultural conversation, and have been very empathetic with me at points of crises. I'm very lucky to have friends like that and know they're not the norm.

Generally speaking though I think it's very common for straight men to struggle with those conversations more than gays and women, for the reasons noted above.

On The Fringe, I'm soothed by your talk of identifying as gay and then moving toward relationships with women as you grappled with your abuse. I have identified myself as gay for many years now, and am still physically and emotionally attracted to men, but have had an openness toward the idea of being with women that has been sneaking up on me slowly, and for awhile it was making me nervous...I made such a big deal about being gay when I came out to friends and family, could I live down renegging on that? Slowly absorbing the notion that I don't have to live a life for the sake of outward appearances or for living up to the expectations of others. If I end up with a woman at some point, so be it. But it's a huge shift in headspace to let go of that anxiety.
_________________________
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

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