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#464479 - 04/23/14 08:45 PM My Nine/Eleven
estuardo Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 45
Loc: ohio
My Nine Eleven…

imploded with the
Clergy Sex Abuse scandal:

the pervasive cover-ups;
the abortion of justice.

Lawyer after lawyer
feigning empathy;

their efficacy obstructed by
statutes of limitations.

Parishioners attacking my credibility;
shaming, accusing,

demanding forgiveness,
clamoring for reconciliation.

I’m numb to their words;
ruminating clichés,

regurgitating sympathy;
unaware of the screams

reverberating off
the walls of

My Soul.



I discovered recently that the priest who had abused me past away over a year ago. Once again, the old triggers went off, and I'm finding myself struggling with old addictions, and a shitload of anger! I'm stuck on that proverbial emotional merry-go-round of the forgiveness paradigm. I recalled I wrote this way back when I was struggling through the muck, now it want to share...I need some brotherly support right now! Thanks for taking the time to read this, and if you're the praying type, send one up for me please.
_________________________
"I'm entitled to my opinion...even if it's wrong."

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#464484 - 04/23/14 10:45 PM Re: My Nine/Eleven [Re: estuardo]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
estuardo - i will pray for you.

i am sorry this has come back to torment you again.

i am sure you can find some of the support you need here - though there are more readers on the regular male survivors forum.

can you get support from a therapist, too?

PM me if you feel like it.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#464490 - 04/24/14 07:19 AM Re: My Nine/Eleven [Re: traveler]
estuardo Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 45
Loc: ohio
Originally Posted By: traveler
can you get support from a therapist, too?


I wish I could. I hadn't been going to one b/c of expense, but I had stayed in touch off and on with him; a good friend. After I found out about my abuser's death, I tried to contact him, but he is no longer in practice, and worse yet, lost his license to do so. Without getting into detail about what happened, I was naturally crushed to hear that, b/c I really wanted to share that news with him.

Now it's back to square one...
_________________________
"I'm entitled to my opinion...even if it's wrong."

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#464514 - 04/24/14 05:27 PM Re: My Nine/Eleven [Re: estuardo]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
hey estuardo
I will pray as well. I hope that those around you will come to understand the depth of the betrayal. so often they say just forgive when what they mean is get over it. that is not so easily done. I hope for you that you can find peace. and that healing will be yours
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#464546 - 04/25/14 08:16 AM Re: My Nine/Eleven [Re: estuardo]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Estuardo

I empathize and understand your feelings.I too am a survivor of priest abuse. I hid the abuse for a lifetime. It was destroying me. I understand the pain when your creditability is attacked as you decide to tell of the abuse--for you it was the other parishioners, for me it was family. They do not know of your pain and the betrayal you have lived when first abused and again betrayed by those who denied your abuse.

You words and emotions describe me in many ways. Like you I have moved forward but there are times the memories can take hold. Learning of the death of your perp seems to have left a hole-but now he will received the justice he deserves if there is a life beyond. My perp still lives and I have sat in front of his home. I have no feelings--good or bad toward him anymore, I actually feel sorry he could go through life inflicting pain to a child without remorse and I also feel sorry for those that deny the abuse of the child--for they are void of compassion and use it to inflict a sense of re-abuse on the victim/survivor.

Your posting hit home and made me realize, you have come so far and are experiencing one of those bumps in the road. You are sharing and not burying your emotions. Burying and denying I believe ultimately leads to negative outcomes. I am thinking of you and the words you wrote when first coming to terms with the abuse. Looking back is a way for you to reflect on where you were and where you are today.

Will be thinking of you and please keep us posted.

Kevin

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#465171 - 05/10/14 01:44 AM Re: My Nine/Eleven [Re: estuardo]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
dear estuardo,
i am asking my god jehovah, my creator, to give you wisdom, patience, and the power needed to endure your crisis with dignity.
i pray that you maintain your inner peace and joy.
and may this particular unpleasant situation end soon.
i pray that you experience and feel his love and grace manifest in your heart and in your life.
in jesus name, amen.

please keep us informed.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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