Newest Members
kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS, PaulnMA
12256 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
closerthenveins (26), Nvolpicelli (24), Sven (19)
Who's Online
3 registered (Kylie, unhappycamper, 1 invisible), 52 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12256 Members
73 Forums
63114 Topics
441379 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#46506 - 08/12/02 08:41 PM How Deep The Scars of Abuse
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
On the NOMSV home page, under the Caption NOMSV Responds to Church Abuse, there is this excellent article with the title How Deep The Scars of Abuse.
The point of the article is that some victims seem to never move beyond being victims, while others are able to move on and do well.
I have known a couple of victims who simply refuse to be anything but a victim. It seems like they would not accept healing if it were given to them. They need to be victims.
This made me think about myself and what I need to do to no longer have my victimhood foremost in my consciousness. I want to move on. I have heard that it is important to move from victim to survivor to thriver. Anyone have ideas on how we do that?

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

Top
#46507 - 08/13/02 12:20 AM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
To Da Dean...

Interesting question, while i dont have a concrete answer i can tell you some of the things i have noticed along the way.

When i am being a victim i see my world as out of control, me with no choices, just kind of getting bounced around by the winds.

When i am a survivor, i see myself actively making choices, choosing what i would like to do in each circumstance.

As a victim, i dont even see that i have choices, i get depressed and feel like crap.

As a survivor i am an active participant in my life and feel empowered by the choices i am making.

As a victim, i feel left out and like i dont belong, insecure and weak.

As a survivor i feel part of things and a driving force in my life.

When i am a victim, i need to be in control, i dont trust and accordingly have to set things up so i can call the shots to some degree.

When i am a survivor, i am open to just going with the flow and letting others make some of the decisions,, trusting that i will be ok and that i can choose to change where i am at any time.

If i could figure out how to stay in that survivor place all the time, i would be feeling a lot better i am sure, its a tricky one.

I really believe that the tool box i got from my parents and abusers did not include any tools for seeing the choices and the power i have, most of the tools are forged in fear and anxiety, they are about protecting me from hurts, the tools i would like to have are the ones that help keep me focused on my strengths and allow me to trust others and be more accepting of the things life has to offer me.

Its been a long strange trip to get this far, and the farther i get the more i recognize how little i know, cant wait to see how this movie ends.

Hugs to ya,,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

Top
#46508 - 08/13/02 01:51 PM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
John
that's so good, so true.

It shows the fine line we walk along, and sometimes wander to each side of, so well.

Thanks for that.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#46509 - 08/13/02 02:51 PM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
John, that really helps. I hope I can print that out. I think I need to work more at not slippiing back into the victim role. I am so comfortable in it and hate it at the same timne. Sometimes I act like a survivor and I feel like a real man. NMost of the time I don't. But you have set it out so well I want to put that where I can read it daily.
Thanks so much for that.
And thanks for the hugs--i ache to have them.
Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

Top
#46510 - 08/13/02 04:11 PM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Bob,

I am with you on that one, it is a struggle at times, and at other times it just seems to flow so well and be so easy, if i could get my hands on how it changes,, well, that would be nice.

Printing it out is fine, i kinda like it myself and am going to be posting it on my mirror for a while, i need some reminders in this area right now. as for the hugs, yeah, i need those too.

Hugs,,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

Top
#46511 - 08/13/02 10:25 PM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
John that was really great!!! Way to go. I put it on my bathroom mirror where I will see it everyday. You are THE MAN!!!


Top
#46512 - 08/14/02 04:45 AM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Great stuff John. Very true. This is a topic that has troubled me very much lately.

How can I have learned so much in the past few years - dragged so much pain and crap out in to the sunlight; How can I have said the words out loud, to myself and to others, in shouts, and whispers, and in tears, and still, and still, STILL not be able to

to what ? I'm not even sure yet. Let it go? Integrate into full consciousness and release it all?

I know it is that lost, hurt, (unconscious?) part of me that goes ballistic and drags the aware me down when I open something I have just bought and find it is broken.

It's that same part of me that takes a silly little misunderstanding or an ambiguous word and turns it into a personal attack on my very existence.

I feel there is some final link, some final step that I must take, or just understand to stay in Survivor consciousness and then move on.

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

Top
#46513 - 08/14/02 05:03 AM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I think it is true some people fall into the victom mentality, but i dont think its true with most of the people who have decided they want to DO something about it.

The whole reason most people confront the truth in the first place is to free themselves from the victom mentality. A few get stuck along the way, the reach a place they dont want to get out of. But i dont see many of us who are in that place.

This is just a really long, really slow process, it takes a long time to find the kind of balance you need to find peace with yourself. Wanting to heal faster doesnt help you to heal, Concentrating your effort on healing is the only thing that can do that. When I had confronted my brother, i was pissed, because i still felt angry and depressed, and i was mad that i had to go through this with my mother too. Sometimes, it feels like, damn it, when is this going to be over? When are things going to start being right? But it is just like when you start, every five seconds you feel like your just going to break down and give up, but if you keep trying, you dont. It is hard, but if it is difficult, that is how you know your still moving. When you realize you changed, its like riding on a wave, you dont realize you have peaked until you have reached the top.


Top
#46514 - 08/16/02 02:49 PM Re: How Deep The Scars of Abuse
Anonymous
Unregistered


SoCalJohn:

Wow! Your first reply is great! I too struggle with this victim/survivor role thing. And, I am so glad you put it into words so well. For me it can be automatic. I do not even know I am slipping into the victim role. Like I said it is automatic. Wow! Your words were amazing. It is like a light bulb went off in my mind when I read your reply. I am going to hold onto what you said as long as I can. Thanks so much!

rafael \:\)


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.