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#465043 - 05/07/14 07:31 AM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I will check out the book I remember being beaten and tortured. I have scars on my hands and other parts of my body with no recollection of how they occurred I am assuming those memories will come to me sooner or later

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#465078 - 05/08/14 12:38 AM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Frustrated,

The book I mentioned is not the best one for therapy. I'm sorry if I misled you on that. There are a bunch of books on therapy for torture or various aspects of it. I'll try to find a better one for torture therapy.

My scars are mostly invisible except for the eye problem. It has taken me a long time to figure this out.

One of the first things to do in torture therapy is to find a therapist who knows how to dealt with it. If you experienced the torture in early years then you may have dissociative disorder, which I have. If so, then your therapist should be able to deal with that issue.

Something that you can do early on is to write out a statement of what you went through. It is mainly for you and your therapist. However I went ahead and posted mine here in MS. It is very raw stuff and I'm not sure that I recommend that you read it. It might make you more depressed.

I also have depersonalization disorder, which means that I have basically a very low opinion of myself. This goes with torture a lot of times.


Puffer

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#465081 - 05/08/14 12:48 AM Re: Lost [Re: Jay1946]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

Originally Posted By: Jay1946
It happened to me today. I was at a Therapy session and was talking about my abuse in very "matter of fact" manner. My therapist asked me if I felt any emotion, and I honestly had to tell him I didn't. He explained that not feeling the emotions connected to the CSA is a defense mechanism we develop to protect ourselves.


I have done this for years. When I got married, I told my wife that I just did not have emotions. I believed that and of course she pretended that she agreed. However, this is beginning to "break up" now. I'm getting so that I feel lots of emotion. It may seem to some as though I'm moving backwards in my healing journey.

I recently attended the movie: Heaven Is For Real. I wept through most of that movie. Yes, I had a near-death experience when I was tortured. The movie brought me to re-experience that, in a good way. I'm glad I saw it.

Puffer


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#465087 - 05/08/14 09:53 AM Re: Lost [Re: pufferfish]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 93
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
I saw the Movie. It's a little too sugary for me, but I believe in the message. I've witness one death, where the person dying started talking to someone "out there" even named his parents, as if he was seeing them and then died. He was a very spiritual person and throughout his illness (pancreatic cancer) prayed daily and was at peace.

With regards to my wife, the fact that I am now expressing my feelings more openly has been a game changer for her. At first she had problems dealing with my newly found emotional assertiveness.

_________________________
Jay

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#465096 - 05/08/14 02:25 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I'm trying to think of something to say in response to everyone's post but every time I start to type my mind goes haywire I don't know what to say I don't even know what I am feeling most of the time I just know it's not good. Thanks for the responses it's enlightening and helpful. This shit sucks.

James

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#465097 - 05/08/14 02:29 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Sorry, James. I think it's safe to say that we are all here to support you and hope for the best with your healing.

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#465100 - 05/08/14 02:46 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Hey Nick
Thanks

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#465108 - 05/08/14 05:14 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I will read and reread all the posts and try to make sense of all this. I realize I have a lot of work to do and investigating to do. This site is a good place

James

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#465109 - 05/08/14 05:18 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I want every one to know you are not wasting your breath I read it all and appreciate it very much

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#465124 - 05/08/14 11:16 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 340
Loc: Ohio
James, the effort you're putting into posting and responding is commendable. I think that tenacity will serve you well in your healing journey.

My personal experience is that recovery around CSA is not linear, there are ups and downs, but the downs become less problematic until one can eventually keep an even keel for the most part as far as responsibilities go.

Even being at a reasonably hopeful place at this time in my life, I can still get caught up in melancholy. But, I also purposefully look for good things in the news and such to remain hopeful during the down times.

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