Newest Members
myrlin, AaronS, BookHouseBoy, WeFallWeRise, kieran
12463 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Blakanezebruh (43), OneWithStrength (37), Parker (45), scottyg (42)
Who's Online
5 registered (Obi, Sonata1, 3 invisible), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12463 Members
74 Forums
63990 Topics
446621 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#465020 - 05/06/14 02:13 PM My perp has a good life
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
After all these years, I literally found out just now that my sister's ex-husband, the man who abused me, has remarried and has a daughter.

It's shocking to hear that. I guess I never thought about his life in terms of moving forward and remarrying. I didn't think he would suffer for the rest of his life. However, knowing that he moved on, remarried and has a child of his own is disturbing.

My sister has moved on, remarried and has a daughter. I am happy that she has. So everyone has moved on and had daughters! So nice to hear that!

I never had a long term relationship. I never loved anyone in a romantic way. I never enjoyed letting go and trusting someone in love, because I always felt I had to be guarded.

I am grateful for MS for helping me conquer my issues--except for this last one. Finding someone, loving her and getting married. I always DREAMED of having a family. I loved the idea of marriage as a young boy when most boys hated girls. I always looked to kiss the girls starting in kindergarten. I liked holding hands with a girl. I liked dancing with a girl and holding her in my arms.

But then it all changed. After my abuse, I was disgusted, mortified, embarrassed and angry that a GROWN MAN had touched me. It just didn't compute! A GROWN MAN touched a little BOY! How does that happen??? I was 12 years old when the abuse was over, but it left me with lifetime scars.

I lost control during my abuse. A man took something from me without my consent. And he gave me something in return . . . a distorted view of perceiving my attractiveness and sexuality. The thought of being considered sexual for a grown man knocked me for a loop. I buried my sexual development at a time when my development was in high gear. The thought of being attractive to another person, even a legit person such as girlfriend scared me. I became desired by a man, so it was too much to grasp! To this day it still is.

I have gotten hit on throughout my life by both men and women. Getting a girlfriend is actually quite easy for me, since they approach me. Yet, I keep an aloof, guarded disposition. I occasionally date, but the moment they get too close, I push them back. Being told that I am a good looking or attractive man makes me uneasy. Because I think back to that period of being 12 years old. I had some quality for a GROWN MAN to come after me. So why would I want to have anyone else pursue me?

I grew my hair out longer to hide my face, so that I can remain hidden from people. I joke and say how great it looks, but deep down . . . it's become my mask, my secret shield for hiding to people what they see in me. I see it, too, I just can't . . . well let's just say it's hard.

So I write this post with the purpose of getting this more off my chest. Everyone has gotten married and had daughters. Everyone moved on. So it's time I moved on . . . I think the hair will finally get cut soon!


Edited by CafeMan (05/07/14 10:57 AM)

Top
#465025 - 05/06/14 05:30 PM Re: My perp has a good life [Re: CafeMan]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Cafeman,

I wonder how many of us grew our hair out, or grew full facial hair as a way to mask our inner self or change our identity? Funny that you brought that up as I too hid behind the mask. Granted my wife thinks it looks good on me as the hair is not growing on the top of my head anymore...but as I look back I can see that the facial hair was a way for me to change myself, to not look like a boy anymore.

Whatever stage you are in life, it is never to late to love. I'm sorry you have struggled to find happiness in dating and marriage yet understand that it is never to late. I'm happy to see you getting this off your chest. Keep shoveling man!

I admire your courage and ability to express your feelings. I'm sure there is a certain person out there that is the perfect match. Gratefully, I found mine, almost lost her...and I'm never letting her go.

As for my perps....one is dead, one is a cop, and the multiple others who I didn't know...I have no clue. Regardless....they don't control me anymore...I do.

You have the courage and strength to take back those things that were stolen at a young age. You can do it!

Happy Healing!

L2LM

Top
#465026 - 05/06/14 05:34 PM Re: My perp has a good life [Re: CafeMan]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Thank you for your post, I appreciate the support.

Top
#465123 - 05/08/14 11:00 PM Re: My perp has a good life [Re: CafeMan]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 26
Loc: United States
Hang in there bro!

Sounds to me like you are a cool guy. I have chatted with you so I know this to be true.

I too was touched by a man and it freaked me out. Only when I finally defined what was DONE to me as rape did I realize none of it counts.

I am pure and so are you, Cafe.

Honor

Top
#465136 - 05/09/14 08:06 AM Re: My perp has a good life [Re: CafeMan]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Thank you for your post, Honor. I was actually thinking about you the other day, and I am glad you are better with what happened to you. -Nick

Top
#465141 - 05/09/14 12:28 PM Re: My perp has a good life [Re: CafeMan]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Ok, I hereby officially declare this week to suck!

1. Perp has married and moved on, forcing me to evaluate my life.
2. Good friend passed away due to a painful bout with mouth cancer.
3. The city is shutting down my water at my restaurant next week for half a day due to street repairs, thereby cutting my revenue.

Well, I am trying to stay positive and full of hope for better days next week. Yes, I'm a little down, but I'm not floored. I always bounce back one way or another.

Have a good weekend!

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.