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#465036 - 05/06/14 09:40 PM Nightmares!!!!
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Worse than ever. Multiple times each night I wake up screaming. I'm always the victim, always being caught, attacked, hurt, tortured. Last night I dreamed I was being assaulted with a long knife being pushed in my mouth and down my throat. Just like when I was a kid, only then it wasn't a knife, it was his d**k being forced down my throat. Then I have to get up the next morning and act like nothings wrong. Just like when I was a kid. Sometimes its just too much.
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#465037 - 05/06/14 10:39 PM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Jude

I am so sorry. The nightmares and flashbacks were always my fear, the nights would be debilitating, the memories and fears of the child in the cellar, his body, my body touching, his body entering me telling me he would be gentle, it hurt. I could feel him all over me, from head to toe and everywhere in between. I thought it was best when they were buried and only would come for weeks, months but never so intense and then they would be buried.

But when they finally erupted, I would hurt myself, scratching and bleeding, wanted him off me. It was a terrible time and thought why can't I make him go away. But as I continued to talk to doctors and my therapist, it was part of the process, letting abuse go--it was a poison oozing out, I could no longer control--my world internally and externally was in chaos. But I survived and feel your pain--it deprives us of sleep. We need sleep to heal and think straight. I had a doctor and she put me on seroquil--it knocked me out, I had trouble staying awake. It would knock me out for hours and at times for 24 hours plus. But I felt some relief after years of minimal sleep. If you are not seeing a doctor you may want to see one to help with the sleep. I wish I had but I did not and know what it did to me.

Take care of yourself, the past is coming to the front and you need to have support. We are here.

Kevin

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#465038 - 05/06/14 11:30 PM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 335
Loc: NY
Jude:

I've been having my share of nightmares recently too.

Going to sleep it feels right to hug something, a pillow if not a person.

But then I also need to hold the boy who is in the midst of the terror. And it's a little too much, as you say, to ask him to get up and put on a different face.

Maybe if we go easy both day and night, while taking a little more time to allow for honesty and caring, a balance can be found that doesn't leave him behind.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#465040 - 05/07/14 12:02 AM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Jude
Worse than ever. Multiple times each night I wake up screaming. I'm always the victim, always being caught, attacked, hurt, tortured. Last night I dreamed I was being assaulted with a long knife being pushed in my mouth and down my throat. Just like when I was a kid, only then it wasn't a knife, it was his d**k being forced down my throat. Then I have to get up the next morning and act like nothings wrong. Just like when I was a kid. Sometimes its just too much.


Jude,

I experienced this also.

It may be what is called "deep throating" by some. I describe it in my survivor story.

It was a type of torture. It had double effects. It was like water-boarding on one hand, and on the other hand it was a type of sexual degradation.


Puffer


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#465042 - 05/07/14 03:23 AM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 128
Loc: California
Hello Jude,

I, too am sorry you are suffering with such nightmares. What you describe so eloquently, "Multiple times each night I wake up screaming. I'm always the victim, always being caught, attacked, hurt, tortured." has also been my experience over the years. I always could never see who was attacking me. The narrative of my dream would progress to the moment when I knew "the worst" was about to happen, and I would black out. "Me" would completely disappear, and I would wake screaming, or my partner would wake; himself having been wakened by my crying out. I feel like this experience has defined my adult life.

But slowly the nightmares evolved: several morgue ago I dreamed all the way through, from chase through capture and far enough to see and to feel an understandable memory of being raped by a man while my father watched; he was telling me "If you don't do this, they will hurt me." basically he set me up with a stranger, and he used my love for him to guilt me into doing it.

It was like lancing a boil. Allowing myself to see what really happened has given me some kind of power over my memories. I survived that fat old man raping me. The little boy who was me survived. And now when I dream, when I have nightmares, I do not feel so powerless. "Dude," I tell myself, "you survived. You totally have power." Those men, including my father, eho raped me are gone. They were losers because the most powerful thing they could do was to prey on a helpless child. Fuck that. I do amazing things. I help people. I help me. I survived. So did you. You won, if it was a battle, because you (and the little boy who you were) took on real monsters.

Rock on Jude.

I have done therapy, I have written down things that I remember. I have made art about that past. I think all these things helped.

The past is coming closer. What you experienced as a boy was beyond your comprehension. It was beyond any human comprehension. And - you survived. Soon I truly believe that you will experience this evolution. Your dreams are reminding your conscious mind (the part that shuts down during the rapes) that you can encompass these memories and feelings BECAUSE YOU DID ONCE BEFORE. You are here. You survived. It might sound fanciful now, but truly you are the hero in this story, not the victim.

I still have nightmares. I still dread sleep. But now I know that I'll wake up and be alive. I know that as much as the memories affect and inform my life, I'm okay. I'll survive. I'll have some time in each day for happiness.

Like the others Jude, I'm with you, I'm here, and I believe in you, in all of us.

Good luck Jude. I'm thinking of you tonight.

GT
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#465046 - 05/07/14 12:53 PM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Hey Jude,

Nightmares just suck because they are so real and so vivid. I became completely addicted to massive amounts of prescription drugs to knock myself out so I would 1., fall asleep, and 2. stay asleep and remember nothing...to the point that I was so close to death most nights...it's no wonder I survived.

Thankfully I kicked that habit and won't go back there. I don't know where you live but here in AZ we have medical marijuana. It can't be prescribed for PTSD but frankly it should because it has helped me tremendously. I use a vaporizer as I hate smoke. I take it before bedtime each night. I fall asleep quickly and I sleep very deep awakening very rested and ready to go in the morning.

I've been on it for about two months. Instead of two or three nightmares a week...I'm down to just one in two months. That's a pretty good decrease and one that I am happy with.

Keep on fighting!

L2LM

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#465047 - 05/07/14 01:11 PM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Sleep is so important in managing life and the memories of the abuse. The nightmares deprive us of this much needed state. For a year I could not sleep but maybe an hour or two a night--I was scared to close my eyes and when I did I would fall asleep but be quickly awaken by the memories, images and visceral sensations of the abuse. After a year I began to sleep for longer periods, broken periods of 4-5 hours. I was a zombie, lost as I walked through life, fear was within, I retrenched never feeling comfortable, thinking others saw the abuse in me. The mind was fragmented between the now and the past.

I did not and I regret that I did not see a doctor but I was scared to tell why I could not sleep. In the end the mind was a mess, I did not realize I was experiencing effects of PTSD contributing to dissociative episodes. I thought these lapses in time, which I had on and off throughout life, were normal. But once again I was wrong. Finally after a near collapse I realized the mind and body could not survive nor had they lived in harmony for so long. Breaking the silence of the abuse and the help of medical prescriptions allowed me to heal and begin to recover. I could sleep and feel refreshed after almost eight plus years this sense of restfulness had eluded me. I could think,I could laugh, I could harness strength to face and talk of the abuse. Shame and guilt were gone. Sleep is not elusive anymore, but rather something that is refreshing. My mind in rest does not retreat to the abuse or past but to be honest, I seldom recollect any dream.

I will never forget the days of the nightmares and flashbacks. I would never wish them on anyone, they were debilitating and robbed me of my life. I can only suggest those going through this phase of the past taking control, should seek professional help, the lack of sleep only compounds the mind and body's inability to heal.

My heart goes out to anyone going through sleepless nights with nightmares and flashbacks. Vent and share, talk about the abuse and over time its control will loosen. Keep healing and moving forward.

Kevin

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#465053 - 05/07/14 03:57 PM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 81
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Hey Jude,

I had a "T" who coached me through "imagery rehearsal" treatments. It is a lateral therapy to lucid/directed dreaming. It is NOT a silver bullet but it did help me.

Where I failed, I got lazy. I was leaning on my wife (my support anchor) too much. When she went to take care of her dad. Week 3 started with vague night terrors on day one. Days 2-3 were full nightmare filled. On day 4 I was so sleep deprived I was having fully conscious flashbacks including old factory and tactile hallucinations.

I have found soft music filling the room at bedtime helps. Falling asleep to "safe" TV shows helped put my mind in a better place before drifting off. FYI Star Trek TOS, AMOK TIME was not a good choice, music issue during the fight scene inspired a bizarre dream (then again maybe it was just Shatner. grin )

Temperature is one of my HUGE triggers. I had to find the "Goldilocks zone" on the thermostat, not too hot or cold. My wife now knows, I win the thermostat war at night, unless she wants to wake up with me yelling my head off.

_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#465082 - 05/08/14 12:59 AM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: I Want 2 Thrive
Hey Jude,
I have found soft music filling the room at bedtime helps. Falling asleep to "safe" TV shows helped put my mind in a better place before drifting off.


These techniques seem to work for me too. Soft music seems to help me over-ride the difficult REM sleep phase. This is the phase of sleep during which the brain displays rapid rhythmic behavior. Also I've had some good results with some TV shows.

Actually I still have some level of DID. Sometimes when I sleep with music or TV, I awaken to find the "other" personality has been listening or watching the show and somehow can communicate what went on. When that happens I usually feel very rested. I haven't figured out how to carry this out through the night.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (05/08/14 01:01 AM)

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#465121 - 05/08/14 09:50 PM Re: Nightmares!!!! [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
When I go to bed I am usually dead tired. I am asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, but from there on its a continual "twilight sleep": Nightmare; wake up screaming & flailing; get up to pace, pee & cry; back to bed; repeat. The "violent dreams" alternate with the "guilt dreams". In those I am overwhelmed with guilt over how bad I am. When its really bad, I have to go to the living room couch to stop waking my wife up.

I used to be able to sleep deeply with a combonation of drugs, alcohol & sex (or at least a bedtime JO). Those things are off the table now, so I'm left living with this. Music, TV, and "white noise" don't help much. I just need to be free from this. If only.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

Top
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