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#464866 - 05/01/14 01:38 PM A reintroduction
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
As an 8 year old, I was introduced to sex by my fellow 8 year old best friend. Later, under the guise of an innocent game, my best friendís older brother violently sexually assaulted me, leaving me stunned and battered. Feeling shame, terror, and confusion, I began to construct a world where these events were hidden in plain sight, shrouded in shadow, and camouflaged with cheerfulness; an amazing accomplishment for an 8 year old boy. In the logic of a child, I desperately wanted no one to ever discover my shame and I desperately wanted someone to make it stop.

I hated that boy for the majority of my life. He was the boy who was not man enough to stop the attacks. He was the one who became a girl; engaging in sex with boys. He was the boy who did not say no and he is the boy who never told or asked anyone to make it stop. However, in time, a great deal of time, I have been able to see just how intelligent that boy actually was. At such a young age, he was able to weave together a shield of self-protection that limited the worst of the abuse and insulated him from the more brutal attacks from those who would not or could not understand. Just as importantly, he hid from himself from the nagging questions about why those closest to him did not protect him.

What are the effects of being introduced to sex at such a young age? How does it change a boy whose world suddenly becomes a place of fear and shame? What thoughts occupy a young mind after he has been so fully betrayed? The answers to these questions are astounding, complex, disturbing, and hopeful. Given the correct conditions, the resiliency of the human spirit can navigate amazing obstacles. Yet, the wounds left behind from childhood trauma, while not insurmountable, remain difficult to overcome. Clearly hope and progress mingle with despair and setbacks, living both confidently, yet reticently. Such is the paradox for the childhood trauma survivor. Seldom do you have one without the other.

As is often the case, my childhood experience involves more than one abuser. Multiple factors explain this trend. For me, it was a sense of worthlessness and a sense that sex was all I was good at. Even more so, I was searching for a connection to something, anyone. Feeling as though my parents could not possibly love me if that knew what I had done, I desperately needed to be loved and cared for. These conditions are like blood in the water to a sexual predator; making the sexual abuse survivor susceptible to repeat assaults. Such was the case for me, when at the age of 12 and the third and final sexual abuser targeted me.

A highly trusted your group sponsor at a local Episcopal church, this predator singled me out using familiar grooming techniques to lower my defenses and earn my trust. This period of abuse lasted from the time I was 12 years old until I was finally able to break free at the age of 17. With the exception of one person, from that day when I was 17 until I was 41, I remained silent about what had been done to me.

Today, I have mitigated the worst of the effects of the childhood trauma that warped my view of the world and how I interacted with that world. I live hopefully, honestly, and without shame.
_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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#464878 - 05/01/14 09:46 PM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1568
Regs

Your post is powerful. You have grown and live the life how all survivors should live--without shame.

Clearly there are many effects of being introduced to sex at a young age despite the age of who was introducing. It is not natural nor can a child comprehend, understand or process what the sex act has done to them. As you have said the effects are disturbing, astounding (and this one I do not understand), disturbing and hopeful (this one eluded me until I healed). The wounds for some are overcome and for others are not insurmountable--rather destructive and fatal for some, others struggle through life. Each victim processes the abuse differently as does the mind. Victims cope in many different ways-dissociation, fugues, compulsions, addictions, and others can rebound and demonstrate resiliency but I believe the pain of the trauma never leaves any victim.

I am very happy you have found peace and are living life with hope, honesty and without shame. That is what every victim wants and deserves. Thank you for sharing and from what you lived, you are truly a survivor.

Kevin

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#464888 - 05/02/14 06:24 AM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1490
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Regs
Today, I have mitigated the worst of the effects of the childhood trauma that warped my view of the world and how I interacted with that world. I live hopefully, honestly, and without shame.
Regs,

You've set a high mark for us all to aspire to. May we all come to live "hopefully, honestly, and without shame". Amen.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#464896 - 05/02/14 10:17 AM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 696
Loc: Southeast USA
Regs,

I love posts like this. Congratulations on making progress against this thing. Whether it was an incremental climb, or a bold leap, I applaud you for taking the reigns from the past.

I was the focus (object) of abuse at age thirteen. The abuse and occasional bout of violence was perpetrated by a summer camp counselor who was just nineteen himself. Though I was fortunate enough to get away from him at the end of that summer, I too carried what I called, "guilt, shame(loathing), and rage" over what happened and how my body betrayed me. The feelings waxed and waned as if coordinated by an unseen celestial cycle. Also like you, I kept the secret to myself for over two decades before finally disclosing it to others. I spent a considerable amount of energy keeping the hellhound at bay even as I was outwardly "normal" to others. The burden became too much to bear alone in the media frenzy surrounding the Boy Scouts and Penn State and I at last shrugged under the weight.

The episode at camp stunted my social development with girls. For years I felt betrayed by my body and its reaction to his attention. Even though I hadn't seen the counselor since 1985, I didn't break that bond with him until very recently. His dark hand was always on my shoulder, pulling me back, thwarting my full potential. At long last I can say without hesitation, that the effects of the CSA are largely attenuated. I congratulate you on doing the same and offer hope to everyone else going forward.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#464990 - 05/05/14 09:25 PM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Wow....I really appreciate the amount of thought that people here often take to post about their experiences. For many of us it feels like reading pages of information that we could have written or said if we had the strength to write it down.

It's so awesome to see people moving forward and basking in the light of acceptance without the shadow of shame.

Cheers!

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#465023 - 05/06/14 04:32 PM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
Thanks guys. MS was key in helping me to learn that I was not alone in this journey.
_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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#465024 - 05/06/14 05:29 PM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
While I don't know about "true peace", I do know it gets better.

Quite the difference between your two introductions, eh?

You never have to be alone, again.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#465033 - 05/06/14 09:02 PM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Bravo to you, my good friend. We corresponded long ago, and I am truly glad to see the change in you. While nothing ever totally erases what happened to us, your sense of being able to deal with it - openly and honestly - in such a way that it no longer poses a threat to you, is inspiring.

Rock on.

Oriolesguy

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#465073 - 05/08/14 12:09 AM Re: A reintroduction [Re: Regs]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3146
Loc: O Kanada
welcome to our on-line community.

your introduction is very powerfully written, and i was very moved.
but one thing you said, jumped right off the screen...

the resiliency of the human spirit
can navigate amazing obstacles


i am glad you are living hopefully, honestly, and without shame.
that, too, is my preferred lifestyle.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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