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#465015 - 05/06/14 10:09 AM I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
I was out on the balcony this evening, reading Catcher in the Rye. It's kind of become my go-to when I need to take my mind off of things. Anyway, I was reading, and then all of a sudden I noticed one of these huge flying ants (I guess a queen ant, or some kind of bee) crawling up on my shorts. I had been bitten by one of them when I was a kid (it hurt like hell), and had subsequently developed a phobia of them, so my gut reaction was to stand up in panic and flick it onto the ground. Well, I did that, and evidently I did it so hard that I hurt it badly. It kind of smashed onto the ground, on its side, and started frantically wriggling its legs and turning around clockwise, reeling in pain.

I felt awful. I kind of stared at it for a while, and judging from its movements, I had damaged the right side of its body badly when I flicked it. I kept staring at it, overcome with guilt, and pretty soon its movements started slowing. It was dying. I wanted to kill it with my sandals to put an end to its misery, and for a few minutes, I thought about doing exactly just that...but I couldn't. I think I saw a part of myself in that bug. I really did. It was miserable and struggling like I was, holding onto dear life, and in enormous pain. I know I was the one who caused it, but selfishly I kept on thinking about myself. I kept thinking I wouldn't want anyone to kill me, to "put me out of my misery", despite everything. Pretty soon, it stopped moving. I thought it was dead. While there were wars raging, children starving and people dying, I was preoccupied with this tiny insect before me. It was weird. I kept on staring at it.

All of a sudden, it started moving again. It struggled at first, but after a few minutes, it eventually found its footing. It actually got up to its feet and started moving around. For a second, I thought it would fly off again, and that made me feel incredibly happy for some reason, but then I noticed it was tilting awkwardly and walking gingerly. I realized it wouldn't make it. It started making its way towards me. I felt so damn sad. It got closer and closer to me, struggling...struggling to get up and fly away. The damage I had caused was fatal, especially considering the harsh environment it lives in, and I had given it a slow, painful death. I felt awful again.

Then I thought of something. My parents would probably see it struggling later. They would undoubtedly kill it, stepping on it with the sandals I had on then without a moment's hesitation, completely unaware of the mental drama that unfolded as I watched it struggling for life. That thought really bothered me. If there was anything I didn't want, it was my parents taking its life in its last few moments.

So what I did, I got my Catcher book. I made it so that one of the covers would stick out separately from the rest of the book, and I kept placing that cover in the bug's path, trying to get it limp onto it. I wanted to try and place it somewhere out of sight. It was the best thing I could think of. Only it wouldn't get on the damn cover. It just kept avoiding it and trying to limp off in some other direction. In my naivety, I thought it was pissed off at me. I was kind of scared it would somehow magically start flying again just to bite me. Anyway, it wouldn't go onto the cover, so gently, I directed it so that it would climb over this lump of cement that was connected onto the railings of the balcony. Once it did that, I flicked it (gently this time, with the cover of the book), so that it landed on a ledge that was sticking out of the balcony. I watched it limp off, further and further, until it was all but a tiny speck on a wash of white. Pretty soon, it was out of sight.

I felt a bit better, but still terrible.

I never knew this kind of thing could get to me. It's been a weird evening.
_________________________
Husky

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#465060 - 05/07/14 08:27 PM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
Very touchingly written, I can relate to you not wanting your parents to have power over a small injured creature.

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#465088 - 05/08/14 10:12 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Thanks for reading, Rustam. smile

As it happens, I nearly drowned one of the same bugs the very next night after I wrote this, when I was watering the balcony. It got swept up in the water, but I noticed it just in time, and was able to maneuver it out (same technique using the cover of a book, only it was Oliver Twist this time). I was happy to see it fly away, unscathed.
_________________________
Husky

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#465184 - 05/10/14 09:59 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
ScottSmith Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 26
Loc: CA desert
you are an odd boy husky…

you see and feel so much

i love how you see parts of your current life as a way to help mend your past

The big and the ever so small. All have an equal affect

Keep on being you. You are a wonderful person.

In no time, all will be one, and as the wounded bug was able to free

So will you

complete and whole

as you were meant to be
_________________________
Scott
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

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#465185 - 05/10/14 10:32 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 209
I'm sorry you felt so bad about it. But I probably would have too. I don't get how people can just kill things. Even ants. I always try to rescue things. I can't eat meat because it was something that was alive. I feel kind of embarrassed about it. No one else seems to care. I'm supposed to be a man and eat steak and stuff.

Did you know that all ants are female? I'm not sure how they reproduce. I know they have graveyards and nurseries in their colonies, so maybe they have somewhere for their injured ones? Maybe some others came and collected it?

I did a really bad thing. I put a frog through the washing machine. By accident of course. I have no idea how it even got in there. I'd had a pair of boots outside then I threw them in the machine, so maybe it was inside them. Or maybe my cats had already killed it and dropped it in my pile of laundry. But anyway, I felt so terrible that if it had been alive it would have suffered a horrible death. Still feel bad about it.

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#465292 - 05/13/14 11:34 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
CH,
The subtext of your story here is powerful, an excellent allegory if ever you choose to publish or speak publicly about male survivors.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#465450 - 05/18/14 03:02 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 287
That was great husky... Btw i miss seeing you in chat..!
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#465471 - 05/18/14 06:37 PM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 287
You know the oddest thing just happened. Not a day after reading your post. I'm sitting in bed with my laptop browsing music on youtube. And a flying ant landed on my arm. I shook it of as a first reaction then thought of your story and decided to get it in my hand so i could throw it out of the window... There was also a ladybug sitting on the window wich i hope atleast I rescued too.
Just felt like sharing! smile
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#465494 - 05/19/14 08:02 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Awesome Sven. smile Thanks for sharing that. Good to see you back in chat too!

And thanks guys for the feedback - it's really encouraging to read, especially with the writing project going on. I keep rereading your comments.

Txb - I'm sorry that happened about the frog...it sucks, and I can relate. I had no idea about the stuff you said about ants too, that's pretty cool to know. I went through a phase of becoming conscious of meat products - the butchering that goes on behind it, etc. While I'm still...I guess "omnivorous" is the word...I get what you're saying about eating meat. To be honest, I think it's an incredible thing that you can stick to how you feel about this and your values, and live them out in real life. Especially when you're in a world where nobody else seems to share those values. If you ask me, integrity - sticking to your values - is one of the hallmarks of being a good man. Steak or no steak. smile
_________________________
Husky

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#465527 - 05/20/14 08:33 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 353
Loc: NY
Husky:

Thanks for your tale of the bug.

It reminds me a little of Kafka's story of a bug, but with a lot more compassion and mercy of the human kind.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#465929 - 05/28/14 06:56 PM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 263
Loc: Western Europe
Great story.. in many ways! Let me response from my personal experiences..

To me, i try to safe bugs from getting trapped inside my house. There is this protective part in me, which tries to gently and safely escort flies from the window to the back yard, moving ants out of the way and getting other bugs from the pc screen or wherever i may find them. I only never really thought about the reason why. cause rationally i know that the ant i safe today, could die tomorrow.

And yet, in it is something which feels natural to me. Or perhaps the word safe is better. I don't want to kill the insects, i want them to be able to live and not die by my hand. Long ago did i slap the last fly.

Reading this story makes me ponder all the reasons why. And feeling the emotions and sensations hint in the direction i read about yesterday. That the heart has to be open and naked, that every step of any insect touching it makes it sad and joyful. Cause thats how i feel when i think about it. And thats what lies inside. Perhaps i'm just too afraid to admit that the feelings of respect and compassion i guide towards the insects are likewise meant for me. Untill i realize that there is no difference for whom i do it, that its natural to be caring and giving.

In short, thanks, it helps me trust the goodness inside all of us. It helps me to see that i am human, really human. Not a good or a bad human, no.. this time i'm just a human


Edited by OCN (05/28/14 06:57 PM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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