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#465015 - 05/06/14 10:09 AM I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 606
I was out on the balcony this evening, reading Catcher in the Rye. It's kind of become my go-to when I need to take my mind off of things. Anyway, I was reading, and then all of a sudden I noticed one of these huge flying ants (I guess a queen ant, or some kind of bee) crawling up on my shorts. I had been bitten by one of them when I was a kid (it hurt like hell), and had subsequently developed a phobia of them, so my gut reaction was to stand up in panic and flick it onto the ground. Well, I did that, and evidently I did it so hard that I hurt it badly. It kind of smashed onto the ground, on its side, and started frantically wriggling its legs and turning around clockwise, reeling in pain.

I felt awful. I kind of stared at it for a while, and judging from its movements, I had damaged the right side of its body badly when I flicked it. I kept staring at it, overcome with guilt, and pretty soon its movements started slowing. It was dying. I wanted to kill it with my sandals to put an end to its misery, and for a few minutes, I thought about doing exactly just that...but I couldn't. I think I saw a part of myself in that bug. I really did. It was miserable and struggling like I was, holding onto dear life, and in enormous pain. I know I was the one who caused it, but selfishly I kept on thinking about myself. I kept thinking I wouldn't want anyone to kill me, to "put me out of my misery", despite everything. Pretty soon, it stopped moving. I thought it was dead. While there were wars raging, children starving and people dying, I was preoccupied with this tiny insect before me. It was weird. I kept on staring at it.

All of a sudden, it started moving again. It struggled at first, but after a few minutes, it eventually found its footing. It actually got up to its feet and started moving around. For a second, I thought it would fly off again, and that made me feel incredibly happy for some reason, but then I noticed it was tilting awkwardly and walking gingerly. I realized it wouldn't make it. It started making its way towards me. I felt so damn sad. It got closer and closer to me, struggling...struggling to get up and fly away. The damage I had caused was fatal, especially considering the harsh environment it lives in, and I had given it a slow, painful death. I felt awful again.

Then I thought of something. My parents would probably see it struggling later. They would undoubtedly kill it, stepping on it with the sandals I had on then without a moment's hesitation, completely unaware of the mental drama that unfolded as I watched it struggling for life. That thought really bothered me. If there was anything I didn't want, it was my parents taking its life in its last few moments.

So what I did, I got my Catcher book. I made it so that one of the covers would stick out separately from the rest of the book, and I kept placing that cover in the bug's path, trying to get it limp onto it. I wanted to try and place it somewhere out of sight. It was the best thing I could think of. Only it wouldn't get on the damn cover. It just kept avoiding it and trying to limp off in some other direction. In my naivety, I thought it was pissed off at me. I was kind of scared it would somehow magically start flying again just to bite me. Anyway, it wouldn't go onto the cover, so gently, I directed it so that it would climb over this lump of cement that was connected onto the railings of the balcony. Once it did that, I flicked it (gently this time, with the cover of the book), so that it landed on a ledge that was sticking out of the balcony. I watched it limp off, further and further, until it was all but a tiny speck on a wash of white. Pretty soon, it was out of sight.

I felt a bit better, but still terrible.

I never knew this kind of thing could get to me. It's been a weird evening.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#465060 - 05/07/14 08:27 PM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
Very touchingly written, I can relate to you not wanting your parents to have power over a small injured creature.

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#465088 - 05/08/14 10:12 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 606
Thanks for reading, Rustam. smile

As it happens, I nearly drowned one of the same bugs the very next night after I wrote this, when I was watering the balcony. It got swept up in the water, but I noticed it just in time, and was able to maneuver it out (same technique using the cover of a book, only it was Oliver Twist this time). I was happy to see it fly away, unscathed.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#465184 - 05/10/14 09:59 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
ScottSmith Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 26
Loc: CA desert
you are an odd boy husky…

you see and feel so much

i love how you see parts of your current life as a way to help mend your past

The big and the ever so small. All have an equal affect

Keep on being you. You are a wonderful person.

In no time, all will be one, and as the wounded bug was able to free

So will you

complete and whole

as you were meant to be
_________________________
Scott
"You can always hear the laughter but seldom hear a tear fall."
Keith Johnstone

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#465185 - 05/10/14 10:32 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
I'm sorry you felt so bad about it. But I probably would have too. I don't get how people can just kill things. Even ants. I always try to rescue things. I can't eat meat because it was something that was alive. I feel kind of embarrassed about it. No one else seems to care. I'm supposed to be a man and eat steak and stuff.

Did you know that all ants are female? I'm not sure how they reproduce. I know they have graveyards and nurseries in their colonies, so maybe they have somewhere for their injured ones? Maybe some others came and collected it?

I did a really bad thing. I put a frog through the washing machine. By accident of course. I have no idea how it even got in there. I'd had a pair of boots outside then I threw them in the machine, so maybe it was inside them. Or maybe my cats had already killed it and dropped it in my pile of laundry. But anyway, I felt so terrible that if it had been alive it would have suffered a horrible death. Still feel bad about it.

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#465292 - 05/13/14 11:34 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 955
Loc: southern California
CH,
The subtext of your story here is powerful, an excellent allegory if ever you choose to publish or speak publicly about male survivors.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#465450 - 05/18/14 03:02 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 304
That was great husky... Btw i miss seeing you in chat..!
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#465471 - 05/18/14 06:37 PM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 304
You know the oddest thing just happened. Not a day after reading your post. I'm sitting in bed with my laptop browsing music on youtube. And a flying ant landed on my arm. I shook it of as a first reaction then thought of your story and decided to get it in my hand so i could throw it out of the window... There was also a ladybug sitting on the window wich i hope atleast I rescued too.
Just felt like sharing! smile
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#465494 - 05/19/14 08:02 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 606
Awesome Sven. smile Thanks for sharing that. Good to see you back in chat too!

And thanks guys for the feedback - it's really encouraging to read, especially with the writing project going on. I keep rereading your comments.

Txb - I'm sorry that happened about the frog...it sucks, and I can relate. I had no idea about the stuff you said about ants too, that's pretty cool to know. I went through a phase of becoming conscious of meat products - the butchering that goes on behind it, etc. While I'm still...I guess "omnivorous" is the word...I get what you're saying about eating meat. To be honest, I think it's an incredible thing that you can stick to how you feel about this and your values, and live them out in real life. Especially when you're in a world where nobody else seems to share those values. If you ask me, integrity - sticking to your values - is one of the hallmarks of being a good man. Steak or no steak. smile
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#465527 - 05/20/14 08:33 AM Re: I Fatally Wounded a Bug: Random Story [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Husky:

Thanks for your tale of the bug.

It reminds me a little of Kafka's story of a bug, but with a lot more compassion and mercy of the human kind.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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