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#464979 - 05/05/14 04:09 PM Lost
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
After 47 years of suppressing memories for the last 7-8 months all the memories of torture and abuse have come at me with a vengeance I'm still trying to deal with it. I do not have a support system to speak of. My wife is closed off to the hole thing do not have friends to talk to and I tried a therapist but I have an issue with paying someone to listen to me whine. The way I was raised is not to show emotion and never let anyone see you cry etc. Showing emotion tends to give me a really bad feeling about how I view myself. PTSD is what I was labeled with. Anyway I'm sure this is nothing new to y'all on here. I'm just lost in this process and feel in a place that can't be overcome.

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#464982 - 05/05/14 05:39 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
Hey frustrated
I can certainly relate to some of what you have said it is so very hard to begin the "process" I have HATED to hear that word so many times. The thing I came to in myself is I feel like I have tried EVERYTHING else. I came to Therapy ever so reluctantly and I do find it hard, but it does get better. I was raised the same as you crying is for the weak and I still feel like Im whining at times. but I also realized THAT is part of the abuse. we are men but also we are people and made with feelings and no matter how strong we become it is meaningless because it our strength that is used against us.if I fight against myself, how will I ever know if I win? PTSD blinds us in many ways man but it can be overcome. it just takes help. beginning here is a great start. talk to the guys maybe attend some of the healing circles I go to most of them. It is a place to start. give yourself a chance to think of things in a new way I sure hope it gets better soon man
Feel free to pm me if I can help at all
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#464983 - 05/05/14 06:31 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
When are healing circles

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#464989 - 05/05/14 09:18 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
healing circles are held in chat on sunday and Wednesday evenings at Wednesdays 9pm -11pm Eastern the same on sunday nights I fint it encouraging just knowing I am not alone and often the guys there are VERY helpful with feedback. In any event it is a chance to feel involved in the community
Hope to see you there
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#464991 - 05/05/14 09:29 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 738
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Frustrated,

I find enormous support online. There always seems to be someone else that gets my imagination going, and hearing others helps me to feel much less alone. My abuse just wrote a lot of rules in my thinking that was the best I could do at the time, but wound up being a continuous self-abusive, self-destructive way of relating to myself. It has taken time and a lot of exposure to other survivors to untangle the lies my thinking believes to be true, but which in fact are not true. It's a bitch when the culprit is my own thinking. Hope you find the level of support I have. Dig in.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#464992 - 05/05/14 09:51 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1716
Frustrated

Take your time, take a deep breath. You are here and you are facing the past. This is so important,the abuse can take over and hit you with a vengeance. I and everyone here understands--when it hits after years of suppression it has built up steam and it can be overwhelming. We all react differently. I understand with a wife in denial it only makes it worse and sadly many times the rejection triggers the past and can negatively impact the memories.

You need support, being here is a start. I hope you find support groups and a therapist who can help you. Many therapists and psychiatrists have no understanding of CSA, PTSD and other effects--but sadly they cannot admit their lack of knowledge and disperse harmful guidance.

Please share when you feel comfortable, we do not judge but support. We understand what you have lived and others who turn do not but their turning can be hurtful. You need to put them aside--because they are focused on themselves and denial of such acts and their inability to support--you need to focus on you.

Vent, share and ask questions, we are here for you.

Kevin

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#464995 - 05/05/14 11:04 PM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I don't know who I am any more

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#465001 - 05/06/14 04:27 AM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
you are a good solid man who was wounded. it is very little different than a battlefield scar but the exception is this. it will never stop bleeding. I wish so much that it could just be bandaged and left to heal, but it won't it simply continues to ooze
until we finally begin to clean it, to do what is necessary to tend to the wound. we have been convinced by others , and often ourselves that it is not of any consequence, that perhaps we are of no consequence but that is a lie from hell. YOU are a good man always were. whatever the voice in your mind says to you, that is a truth you can believe.
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#465002 - 05/06/14 06:25 AM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 738
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Frustrated,

Acknowledging you "don't know who I am anymore" is actually a very encouraging sign, IMO. I also understand how terrifying it can be to not feel grounded in something familiar. For me, my abuse created a damaged and tangled personality that tried it's best to keep me safe. The problem, though, was that the immature tools my young self had available were primitive compared to what a mature me requires for joy, satisfaction and hopefulness. And, my immature self created a powerful defense in response to
feeling violated. It has taken me decades to understand that the personality I have "worn" and believed is me is in fact not me at all.

I have read that I discover who I am by experiencing who I am not. As painful as it is to do it that way, that has been my experience. I have also read that one of the keys to enjoying the second half of life is to learn to be curious instead of controlling. Very difficult for the damaged places in me to contemplate, but also very freeing.

I'm sending you lots of support, and believe the support you need is and will continue to show up for you. If you are in the process of uncovering all the untruths you have carried about yourself, this can be a volatile time. But, in my experience, the extreme volatility is like the agitator in a washing machine. All that entrenched dirt requires a lot agitation and cleanser in order to shake loose.

For me, what you are describing is normal and healthy, even though it can be scary as hell when everything I had assumed was true is coming into question, and still is today. With persistence and becoming more and more familiar with the questions, I start to see patterns emerge that allow me to develop some trust in the process. And, also, I become less scared for less time each time I survive another of my "agitated cycles."

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#465005 - 05/06/14 08:14 AM Re: Lost [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
The emotional tools I have to deal with this are limited I was not shown how to deal with emotional things but just to lock everything in and not deal with it. A lot of times I feel things that are killing me and I don't know how to control my thoughts. I used to be able to keep them out but now they are intrusive. It seems that the one thing in common with every ones posts is that it gets better. I am counting on that. Thanks guys for the posts.

James

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