I hate myself. I don't know why anymore. I've spent so much time thinking, isolating. A friend of mine Mattheal committed suicide recently, I thought about posting in the main thread, but I don't feel like I deserve to. I met him at the weekend of recovery, he was an amazing guy. I was terrified going to that weekend. I kept to myself for the most part. I cried myself to sleep the first night, I was going to leave the next day. You see, it pains me to the core I couldn't have known him and the others at that weekend more. I couldn't find it in me to reach out. But that weekend was probably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The brotherhood between us, I didn't need to talk to connect. I held back tears many times when all of us were gathered. I remember thinking any one of these guys could have killed themselves but instead they're here. Such strength. I felt weak as a bitch, but the more I saw I realized, I was just as courageous as every single person there because they were just as scared as me. Mattheal was an amazing guy. He added levity to a kind of sinister atmostphere. He was the jokester, I immediately identified with him. He made it easier for me to be there, and I'm absolutely sure he helped us all. All of us at that weekend. That's who he was, he was a great fucking guy. I remember hiding in my room hearing everyone out talking in the living room area in my cabin. They talked for hours, I remember hearing Mattheal out there too. I only wish I could have had the courage to gone out there and connected with my comrades as well, but I didn't, and it eats me alive. At the end of the weekend we were grouped with two people to keep in contact with outside of the weekend. I was paired with Mattheal. I failed him, I did not do what my heart screamed for me to do because my brain told me the only thing I knew, fear. He texted me many times and I never answered but once. Why? I was afraid to connect. I would have rather it been me than him and I say that with all my fucking heart. I may be a lost cause, but it's him who everyone remembered at that weekend, he had a gift, probably many gifts. I'm selfish, I hold myself back completely. He could've helped so many people, I don't even appreciate my own life, what if killed myself instead of him, would it have changed his mind? I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, maybe I'm a waste, maybe I'm too far gone already, I don't know, but I would've wished he had the chance rather than me. He had a wife and a kid from what I remember, I have no one. But that's not how it is. For whatever reason, that's not the way it went. Mattheal I love you, I admire you, and I'd NEVER EVER hold it against you that you chose to leave us. I still think you're amazing because I know exactly where you were. At least now, I can feel a sort of security knowing you're no longer suffering. Wherever you are, I hope it's better. I wished and wish nothing but the best for you buddy.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein