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#464658 - 04/27/14 08:06 PM staying with a friend
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 255
Loc: us
So after a couple more fights and feeling like I'm getting no where with H I packed a suitcase and left to stay with a friend. It breaks my heart to think that my marraige might be over. Even as I type this I am crying.
I don't know what else to do. He is drowning and staying in that house was just pulling me down with him.
I begged him to get help told him I would pay for it and do whatever he needs to help him get better. He didn't say much I don't know how he feels I don't think he does either. But until he gets help I can't be with him. He is so mean aand cold. He comes up with the strangest reasons to be upset with me. It was so toxic to share a home with someone who is always angry. Anger seems to be the only emotion he feels.
I don't think divorce will make either of us happy. Its so frustrating that he won't just go get help already. Its been hard today to not call or text him and I bet it will be even harder tomorrow. I really don't want this but I know I need to stand my ground for both of us. At least I figure this is the right thing to do instead of staying and having the same fights every week while nothing changes. I'm scared.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#464659 - 04/27/14 08:27 PM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I am sorry HD that you are in this position. I am sorry you are sad and I am sorry that your husband is not able to see straight right now.

I am really proud of you though, for choosing to take a stand on your own behalf. For being willing to say NO to the treatment (regardless of its cause or reasons). Be proud of yourself too because it is a big step in the care and love of HD. After all, if you are not setting boundaries, who will? And how will they be respected?

There is a chance that the void of you will motivate your husband. There is also a chance that it won't. But protecting yourself and setting limits to the toxicity is difficult but so very positive for you.

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#464694 - 04/28/14 10:06 AM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
"I really don't want this but I know I need to stand my ground for both of us."

I've been separated a few times. It was necessary for both of us but always initiated by me.

Wait and see what changes. Maybe things do and maybe they don't but it wasn't working the other way so your certainly not wrong to make a change.

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#464761 - 04/29/14 04:17 PM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 255
Loc: us
Thanks for the support. Sometimes it can be so helpful to have someone tell you your doing the right thing when its such a hard situation.
I saw H today because I had to run home and grab some clothes and food. He had been laying in bed. He was nice and told me he had been taking care of my garden for me. My plants are really important to me so I was grateful for that. I thanked him gave him a hug and then left. I don't feel like its time for us to really talk about anything yet. H takes awhile to sort through his thoughts about things.
It just hard. Besides his abuse issues we have a really great life. Why won't he just get off his ass and get some help already?
I feel really scattered and anxious today. I'm trying to stay hopeful for now. If I'm honest with myself I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I really hope that H will use this time to be honest with himself about what his life will be like if he chooses not to heal.
That night after I left I couldn't sleep so I stayed up and praying for awhile asking for strength and direction. I felt prompted to call H even though it was late. I did and I actually got to talk to the real him. He said he loved me and didn't want a divorce. That he understood why I couldn't allow him to treat me the way he does. I told him I can't come home unless there is a plan and action in place toward his healing. That I can't be the punching bag for all of his anger. I felt a little better after we talked.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#464770 - 04/29/14 07:49 PM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I think you sound great.

I know those moments when all the fear and anger fall away and you can actually connect to the person that you love. I will tell you something from personal experience... those should be the only interactions you allow, that should be your requirement, your boundary.

I have gotten really good and saying NOPE, I will not present myself for this type of interaction and you know what? Those types of interactions have decreased to the point where they are few and far between.

My husband's therapist has helped, combined with my unmovable boundaries. He wants me. He wants our marriage. He wants himself. I don't move anymore and he has learned to manage himself and his anger in way more productive ways. It sounds to me like you had one of those moments and it also sounds to me like you are on your way to ensuring you will only have those moments.

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#464793 - 04/30/14 01:31 AM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 255
Loc: us
Esposa thanks for the advice.
Would you mind giving me some more details. I feel like it is easy to stick to when you are living apart but I'm not sure what to do when we are under the same roof. Could you give some examples of what your interaction is like and what you would do when your H crosses a line?
I'm assuming that you are currently living together?
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#464822 - 04/30/14 04:33 PM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
We are living together, in peace. Finally. Not every day is perfect though but now it isn't the end of the world. I recently read something that I always try to keep in mind "Not everything is something" and it allows me to manage my fears.

There are shades to this for us. Some of my peers have not always loved my method but... I wrote him a road map to healing and I gave it to him (because I am not sure that he knew where and how to get support). I then told him that for me to feel safe and be willing to stand by his side, he needed to be working on recovery. For him, that meant going to therapy, every week for years now. It was a requirement for me to stay in the marriage. We also have a dry house which means no alcohol here and no drunk people here. I can't control him but I can control my environment and that was a firm boundary I set up for me and for the kids. He has occasionally tested it and I have turned him away at the door.

If he is angry or triggered, I mirror him "You seem angry" and then I tell him that I don't want to interact with him when he is angry (and then I put action behind the words). I also say to him "I am for loving only" and that has become almost a reminder for him that his rage cannot be taken out on me. The less codependent I have become, the easier for me it is to not be sucked into the cycle. I simply don't respond.

Years ago, when I sensed he was angry, it would make me scared which would display as anger and I would engage and thus give him a target. Now, he has to work on it because I don't offer myself up.

It reads so simplistically, but it is hard and it takes repetition in order to develop the habit.

And the therapist helps because I think one of her consistent messages to him is, what kind of life do you want? So when I withdraw the target (and the interaction and support), he is left to see how destructive it is (rather than us both getting wrapped up in the dance). Does that make sense?

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#464824 - 04/30/14 05:20 PM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 255
Loc: us
Yes! I'm picking up what your laying down so to speak.
My H is the type who doesn't ever want to talk about any issues in our relationship or with himself. This would lead me to get scared and display my own anger and get sucked in. Its embarrassing but sometimes I think I would pick a fight with him just so that he would interact withme for a few min. Luckily I realized I was doing this and it was a sign to me of how unhealthy things had become between us. I feel like I'm getting better at really understanding the boundries thing.
So here is where I still feel a little stuck and confused. If I come back home and H is getting help and I set my boundries about his anger and our interaction. How do I handle the withdrawn thing? I've found it really hard to not let it hurt my feelings that he with just withdraw and be so distant. Maybe your H isn't that type so you may not have any pointers here. I try to stay busy with my own thing but its hard to feel like you are in a relationship when everything is so shut down. I'm also worried about conflict resolution and how to go about engaging in that but also keeping my boundries. Do I just walk away if he gets angry but if so how does anything get resolved? Or perhaps do a lot of things just get put on the back burner until he reaches a certain point in his healing? I love that you map a healing map for your H. I think that is a great idea!
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#464832 - 04/30/14 09:30 PM Re: staying with a friend [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Hmmm... I see it as layers in a way.

Seeing that you would pick a fight to get a response is super huge and bravo to you for that. I think we have all done that at some point.

Certain things do take a back seat for awhile in my experience. But no relationship can ultimately succeed if you are not getting at least some of your needs met in it. Marriage therapy was good for us in that it provided us a safe place to connect when we were both so full of fear. (Side note, our therapist used to say it is like both partners are covered in gashes and bruises from our past hurts and we would bump up against each other). I have seen many people say that individual therapy has to be going on before MC but I disagree. We all need safe places from which to do our best work. A great marriage therapist can help a couple create safety and this is the best environment for real individual progress IMHO.

All of this aside, have you ever read the Five Languages of Love? Maybe you could email it to your husband and both of you agree to take the test. This would give him a very clear idea of how to ring your bell, even when he can't fully connect emotionally all the time (and the same for you).

http://www.polyu.edu.hk/sao/publications/emagazine/issue133/love%20language2.pdf

To me, it was kind of a cheat sheet to meeting each others' needs even when we didn't feel great.

Your challenge personally is to learn to only let in what makes you feel good (and to de-personalize the struggle of the other, aka, it is not about me, I am not causing it, I don't need to react to it). We all have to learn to break patterns and be willing to move toward each other even when our fear pushes us the other way. The withdrawn thing is an old brain coping mechanism in my opinion - and it is not working out for him so he needs to know that it has to change, that it can change, that you will champion and cheerlead the change. Its not nice for you, but it is really destructive for him too.

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