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#464806 - 04/30/14 10:00 AM WoR level 2
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
hey guys
I have a question. I kinda let slip to my wife that there is a WoR level 2 that is for couples. I asked her if she would be interested and of course she was. I of course was scared shitless I have been tossing it back and forth but I don't know how prepared I am to let this happen. she has been in my corner all our marriage but things are not the same somehow since I began T and talking about this more and trying to work it through. I am sure that the reason she wants to go is to learn how to "help" but I don't think I could take having a live in would be therapist. also I don't know the format at the level 2 weekend and I'm not prepared to just unload a truck full of crap on her. if I were I would have already done that. so the question is ...has anyone gone to a couples WoR? was it helpful? what goes on ? I need to know before I can think of committing to something like that. T is all for the idea cause I "need to " let her in. thing is there has always been a ton of crap that I " need" to do that I do not do. should this be any different? I do try to talk to her as I can but it feels like I'm letting the air out not filling it back up. any help would be appreciated
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#464838 - 04/30/14 11:14 PM Re: WoR level 2 [Re: newground]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
Would you consider Mike Lews, couples event?
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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#464839 - 04/30/14 11:21 PM Re: WoR level 2 [Re: newground]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
I think that the issues would be the same I have never been to his events at all but I would be AS willing I
suppose
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#464843 - 04/30/14 11:47 PM Re: WoR level 2 [Re: newground]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
While I've only been to his events, and nit the wor it is my understanding they are much less rigid. This may be a good option. It's about building trust within the small group with less T interaction and. Guiding.

Jeff, if I may.

Some way you "need" to share, but at thre same time establish and maintain boundries of not looking for another threat...allow her to emphasize and get a foot in the game without you having to give out the details.

While my wife didn't want to go....in previous joint T sessions we were able to establish trust and a partnership in this...part in part by her seeing/knowing I have a group of people to bring my dark shit to, and she didn't have to have that stress.

We outlined what she could and does participate in, but sometimes and it's ok to say that a topic has to go to my support group, is better handled there and we minimize her pressure to understand what she can't.

Just thoughts, buddy.
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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#464855 - 05/01/14 09:06 AM Re: WoR level 2 [Re: newground]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
I guess the thing is , I am happy as is, or was anyway. I have NO interest in her knowing more,helping me, supporting me AT ALL. I seldom talk to her about things because I like it that way. I never wanted this to be a part of my marriage. I never wanted to pollute her and I with this. its bullshit and I hate it. he "coming along side" I see as just a euphemism. it just means she is keeping me close, watching me,keeping ME safe that is not the way it is supposed to work.I would rather endure whatever pain then let it touch /hurt her. and I know that there is more to this all in the rational world but I do struggle so with feelings
jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#464861 - 05/01/14 10:32 AM Re: WoR level 2 [Re: newground]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Newground

From reading your posts, it sounds like your wife has been a silent supporter of you for a very long time. She has stood by as you limited the disclosures you made to her. It seems she does not fear being there for you. She has respected your boundaries of privacy while extending herself to you. Now that is a wonderful person to have in your life.

She probably wants to give you the full support you need and I doubt the details of the abuse are important to her. She knows abuse hurts and damages our perception of self and others.

It is up to you to decide but having someone who has respected you and your boundaries probably will continue on this path if she or if she does not attend the sessions. She probably is feeling pain from what you lived and how the abuse impacted you. She is not protected today nor tomorrow from you pain. One who is truly compassionate can feel the pain of others even though one believes they are hiding the pain.

I wish you the best on whatever you decide.

Kevin

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#465009 - 05/06/14 08:57 AM Re: WoR level 2 [Re: newground]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 817
Loc: michigan
hey guys
Thanks for the feedback on the post. funny thing happened though. I ACTUALLY TALKED to her about it. as it turns out SHE has some concerns about going too (go figure) and what she really was excited about was the thought of a road trip with me. it doesn't let me off the hook I suppose and I would still like to know what goes on at these kinds of events( I HATE surprises,go figure again)so I can seriously think about going. we went to one once and it was just weird. we had to leave a little early and they just told us it was best if we didn't attend at all just after the first night session ,yea that was not awkward at all. I just am not up for that kind of stress.
I'm sure T will be encouraging me to think about it but that is really where it has to stand. I CAN'T go in there blind,without knowing at least an outline.
it just cant happen
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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