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#464804 - 04/30/14 09:38 AM Parts Still Buried Alive
PhoenixRising Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 46
Parts Buried Alive

I have been wandering. Running away perhaps. Stops and starts. The wandering started once I began a process of unraveling the experiences of my childhood. I had blocked them for so long, and it was easy to do. Blocked them by filling up time with work.

And then when I moved, I would move into places with established communities. An easy Family. It was great, but indeed eventually I found I was also avoiding the pain. Pretending. The deep fears and pain, the reality of what the experience was for me, was perhaps too much to take all in. This past year I have been living alone; and have been less distracted, been underemployed, just scraping by, and I am hoping that this was so I could have the space to finally confront the deeper wounds. Sometimes I wonder. But I can’t avoid them. Much as I’d like, they are unhealed, and they fester. And they are there, at the bottom of this pit, and I wonder if I will survive, and then if I will climb out.

Shame and Guilt. That’s what arises this morning. Pain. I remember my older brother molesting me. Climbing on top of me. I shared a room with him and another older brother. Night was not safe. I find it difficult to sleep now. Vague memories have returned. Not feeling safe while on a changing table. Seems impossible. Then I read that babies can read faces. Then I read an article this morning about a Representative in Illinois who was found with child porn. He had a video of a six month old. A six month old. Words don’t describe my anger. I am constantly reminded of the violence of a world; and yet perhaps, still shocked. How? If I could transfer just one thimble of the pain I have felt to these people, I wonder perhaps if indeed it would be enough to kill them.

Shame and guilt. A feeling of responsibility for a family’s welfare when I was 3. Carrying that role into adult hood. Can I save someone? Diving into other people’s rabbit holes. It seems so right, but all of it was learned as a child; a child who would have to help his handicapped father work his arms and legs, and then would get chased and hit by the same man. A child who just wanted to create a feeling of safety; but in the long run has learned that he couldn’t really trust any of them. That indeed for the sake of their own survival they would easily deny events.

I lived in a family that was constantly in a state of turmoil, a sick and violent father, 4 siblings that had all experienced some form of inappropriate sexual activity, little money, a suicide attempt by a sibling, a rape…there is also that which I don’t know. Secrets. You see my family believes in “stuffing the past”. I go along to be with them, and indeed, then live into a story that does not support me, for my work in life has been so much about reclaiming a small child from a world that was not safe…they have said, we won’t go back there..and I realize part of me is stuck there.

Parts of me. So, shame for a life that feels unlived. Mostly about wandering to find pieces of my soul that I have hidden. I work to realize that I will never be able to put them together into the story I wanted, and that now my path is to find the parts of me, and write a new one. It feels daunting.

Parts Still Buried Alive

I have wandered this world
Each place digging a hole
Seeking the hidden; lost
Parts of my soul

Each one cries at night
Don’t make this my grave
But I am uncertain
Of which I can save

Sleep isn’t easy
For the screams they deprive
I am haunted by visions
Of parts still buried alive
[i][/i][u][/u]

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#464886 - 05/02/14 12:37 AM Re: Parts Still Buried Alive [Re: PhoenixRising]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 370
Loc: Ohio
I think the haunted imagery works well in the poem and reflects the rest of your post.

Glad you are able to share here on MS. I found I needed distance from active family interactions for some time in order to heal personally - was too easy to get distracted by others' issues and my visceral responses to them if I didn't. Have no way of knowing if that would be helpful to you or not, but sounds like you want to focus on your experience and what it means to you currently.

Sorry for the pain that brought you here, but hope you continue to find a healing path for yourself.

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#464894 - 05/02/14 09:39 AM Re: Parts Still Buried Alive [Re: PhoenixRising]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Phoenix,

Your poem is quite telling and reflective of your past and how your life has been. I was glad to see some parts no longer remain buried. I could feel you hurt and pain in the words you wrote. I do hope time will ease the pain and allow you to live a rewarding and happy life.

The last verse of you poem really hit home. I so vividly remember the visions that haunted, the visceral touches--the pokes, jabs, his hands, my hands,his....all over and in me, the words and shouts from others in my home in the present taunting me as I was reliving the past that was destroying me. As these people laughed and banded together, believing their actions were good and not evil, I found strength to heal and heeded the professionals advice that I long denied, separate myself and do not seek their approval until they heal and understand their own actions. I will love these people always, but I needed to heal and grow where I am loved. The nights and attempts to sleep brought the haunting back, over and over. No end to the torment I thought, but now I have broken from his control. I am thankful for the peace I have achieved, a new environment free of toxic individuals and situations. You will have peace, I assure you as you continue to move forward in your healing. It takes time, accepting the abuse and for me accepting my coping mechanisms of dissociation and fugues were learned at the time of the abuse and adopted throughout life. I have and with help I have learned new coping mechanisms to keep me in the here and now. They are becoming more automatic as time progresses.

You are finding your own path. Each victim reacts and handles the abuse differently and each survivor heals differently. Keep going. I will not forget the last verse of your poem.

Kevin


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#464909 - 05/03/14 04:20 AM Re: Parts Still Buried Alive [Re: PhoenixRising]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Phoenix,

I identify heavily with your post. I began to remember my father's abuse at age 53 and my mother's abuse at age 63. The stored poison of those experiences began a downward spiral of my ability to work and manage stress from 45 on. I went through some challenging times learning to live without money until my social security started, but, in hindsight, it is like an elegantly scripted play. Every experience forced me into a situation where I had to wring out more of the poison that was killing me--situations I would not have known to choose nor would I have had the strength of character to choose on my own.

When I began to remember abuse at age 53, all of a sudden my life made sense to me. And, all of the years of tools I had gathered have served me well in the 11 years since then. Though I had some very dark times, I feel fortunate today. I have released a lot, and have much more to release.

But, I experience a continuous process of learning and integrating. Though this work is rigorous, I am able to do the work, and I increasingly see a clearer picture of who I truly am accompanied by the ability to actually be more of who I truly am. It is NOT a straight line. There are some bumpy times. But, little by little I increase my confidence in the process, and so, little by little the fears of the unknown and the fears of the new are not as big a deal as they once were.

I decided to divorce my family of origin when I began to remember the abuse. My entire family is very sick and heavily invested in "it didn't happen." Leaving them was the healthiest decision for me, and I have no regrets. Am not at all implying this would be right for you.

Sending you love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#464928 - 05/04/14 08:58 AM Re: Parts Still Buried Alive [Re: PhoenixRising]
PhoenixRising Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 46
Thanks guys for the insights and the the affirmation not only for what I am experiencing, but for what is possible from it.

I resonated with your lines Don, at the best times, and when I feel supported in life, I see that this wringing out would not have happened if I had not dropped from the sky so to speak. I had developed coping mechanisms that were not sustainable, and indeed were constricting the "real" me. Like a snake skin on a growing snake, they must be released.

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