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#46462 - 02/21/03 04:09 PM GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Last night I went to the Auto show on here in Toronto. I sat in all the cars I wanted to. I daydreamed in the Jaguars, BMWs, Merecedes. I introduced the little me to all the latest stuff and had a ball doing it for both of us. My nextdoor neighbour Dave went with me. Our families have lived together next door since 1985. He is one of few people who knows my story. I feel safe wtih DAVE adn he is so full of life it is greqat to be with him.
AFterwards we ate at Harvey's (something like a burger King or McDonalds or Wendys) except that the hamburgers are barbequed in the old fashion way. Now I am on a restricted eating program (by desire) but last might I said screw it Double cheese burger with onion rings fries and a coke.
Me and the little me had a great time.
When I got home I poured my wife a shery. I dont drink as I am in AA (26 years) and we went outside and sat and talked in our hot tub. All three of us Nicole(wife) me, and the little me.
Now come on guys add to this post. As someone else said (I think Waumei) good news can be infectious. Lets hear the laughter and joy that you can share.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#46463 - 02/21/03 05:52 PM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Today, Big V & Little V watched some Tom & Jerry and Acme Hour cartoons. We do this pretty often.



Wednesday night we went to the swimming pool. I had my water aerobics class. I've been trying to make it more playful but it's difficult for me. Well, Wednesday a mother was there with her 11 year old girl. The whole class was more playful, and it was great!

Afterwards, my wife and I ate at the fantastic (real) Mexican restaurant in town. All three of us really loved that, as usual!

Tomorrow, maybe a good funny movie matinee or rental!

Actually, Big V does a lot more with Little V than
I thot.

I guess I'm finally just becoming aware of it, of him. Bout time!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#46464 - 02/21/03 05:59 PM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Thanks Mike! What a great outing you and your little child had! I love the fact that you purposely took him to share in some of the experiences he lost out on because of an interrupted childhood.

I had some similar experiences a few years back. Before I started to deal with the truth of my childhood sexual abuse. Unfortunately, I had just gone through a divorce after being married for 10 years. I know now that many of my problems (if not all of my social/psychological problems) stemmed from the fact that I never faced up to my abuse and never told anyone. I never told my ex-wife, and that was really bad, but I could not speak of it until now. I know you guys understand what I felt there.

After my divorce, I started to share a house on the American River with 2 other guys I knew from a new church I started attending. I was spiritually starved and these were some solid Christian brothers I could trust. These trustworthy brothers helped me through a lot of the pain, guilt, shame and suffering of the divorce. Had I been able to deal with it then I would have trusted them with my story of childhood sexual abuse, but I could not speak then. Too bad. I am sure they would have been very supportive and they probably may have even had similar experiences. Who knows.

One of the things that was obvious is that I never had a happy childhood. I couldn't tell them why (because my inner child was paralyzed from the trauma of the abuse) but they seemed to understand that I lost out on a lot of normal childhood experiences. So they started a campaign to giving me the experiences I would have received had I had a happy childhood. They taught me how to ride a bike (yeah, believe it or not at 36 I did not know how to ride a 10-speed). After that, I started riding my bike every morning before getting ready for work. I rode 10 miles each morning and on weekends I went to see my cousin across town and rode 32 miles on Saturdays. I got pretty good on my bike and I started to get in better shape. I even entered a little bicycle race which was a fund raiser for many charities.

Next they took me out fishing and taught me how fly fish. My casting wasn't too bad (so they told me). Then they took me out target practicing and shooting a rifle and a handgun. this was the first for me. I never even held a rifle in my hands before. Target practice was so much fun. They even took me out camping and hiking. After that I used to do it alone and got great satisfaction in being able to "recharge my batteries" so to speak from the solitude and prayer and reflection I was able to do, by being alone.

Wow! Even though I didn't expressly do this as a means of recovery from the childhood sexual abuse, it was a form of therapy which included my little inner child and I really felt that many of the large gaps which were created in my childhood because of the sa were finally closed and connected.

So, Mike, thanks for sharing what you did. I am now encouraged in my old age to specifically go out and personally invite my inner child to join me in some great "guy stuff" recreation I can do with him so that he can experience some happiness and joy. I have no doubt that this will add to my healing and eventual recovery.

I also like that the "two of you" invited your trusted friend to join you in the fun. I am going to do the same and ask one of my trusted friends to join "us" for some great "guy stuff" fun and entertainment.

After I do, I'll report some of the joy we experienced together.

Thanks again, Mike, for sharing these great thoughts and ideas. Boy! I am always learning new ways of promoting some great self-help therapy from the stories the Brothers post here.

Looking forward to hearing from some of the other Brothers and reading their replies.

Sincerely, Jess.


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#46465 - 02/21/03 09:21 PM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Before my abuse ever started, at 9 yo, my Dad taught me to drive in an army surplus jeep by sitting on his knee and steering. But being a tall skinny kid I soon reached the pedals and I was away. He also showed me how to strip and rebuild engines, weld and generally do mechanical stuff.

Tomorrow morning I'm off to a breakers yard to get some parts for my new 4x4, so the mornings being spent lying on my back in the mud and oil struggling with rusty bolts and losing plenty of knuckles.
In the afternoon I'm driving a 130 mile round trip to my mates garage to get some mud tyres fitted to my wheels.

Back to my childhood tomorrow then !!
Dave \:D \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#46466 - 02/21/03 10:04 PM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Jess, Lloyd, Waumei, wow isn't it great. Another revalation. We did not know it but we were doing stuff for the little guy inside us all. Stripping an engine. With I adhd I could probably strip it and believe me putting it back together would be my downfall. Got to think too much.
Lloyd learning to ride a bike go fishing and camping out with some trusted friends. What a blast I do it too. Not so much fishing. It is boring. Now ask me to go hunting in scuba gear for a Great White. Well that would certainly be exciting. What you gotta do now is get yourself a sturdy trail bike (peddle power) and bang yourself up on hills. NOw that is a rush.
Waumei it is great to here about Ton & Jerry and water aerobics. I think you teach it right. Give little vic a bit more control and see what happens. I really do think playing can be infectious.
The realization that the little us has played a bigger part than we thought tells me that we were trying to do something but could not quite put our finger on it. LET HIM OUT INTO THE SUNLIGHT. I know the pleasure it will give us.
I sure hope we get other posts. Wouldnt it be great if we all became overgrown goofballs. And I say WHY Keep it coming. Reading what my BROTHERS write really gives me a high. My wife just walked by and cant understand why I was giggling along with little mike at the fun you all so obviously had. Tanke care and HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. Memember kick ass when the past starts to wiggle in. Better yet let the little you do some ass kicking. God I feel great tonite

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#46467 - 02/22/03 05:37 AM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
I went out to dinner at Applebees. I ordered the Appitizer sampler platter. 100% UNHEALTHY food. but 200% satisfying. Nacho's Ribs, Quesida's, Motzeralla sticks.

Actually, there was enough food that I can have the ribs for lunch tomorrow.

and besides ..... I don't get my cholosterol checked for another month.

:p

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#46468 - 02/22/03 07:27 AM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Thanks Guys for sharing. I keep a diary and have done for the last four years on a daily basis. I hasten to add that i am not Samuel Pepys.

Getting in touch with the little me. This was my first and best attempt at trying to reach the young me. It was very painful writing this but as they say:

"The touchstone of growth is pain" I hate pain

I hope this/that makes sense.


21st May
Slept well. Shaved, bathed and showered all by 10.00 and after breakfast we left for town. I took the book Nanin with me to loan to Liza also remembered to take my letter to my inner child. Arrived at Frankwell and they are getting on with the river defences. Took a slow walk up Axis where I left Margaret (she's off to do her bits). Went into the usual room where Liza asked, “how I was”? I replied “ok” but owned up to feeling like a naughty schoolboy that had rushed his homework. I wasn't sure how this was going to go. With my pulse banging in my head I started:

“Hi

How you feeling? Ok after our last meeting hopefully. The only thing I ask of you at the moment is just to hear what I have to say to you. It's very hard for me to do this as I feel I have let you down all of my life. I have denied your rightful existence and I have done nothing to aid you back to that place where you feel happy and loved. I have over the years grown apart from you and again denied your rightful place in my life………….I am so sorry, I should have been there for you but I hid behind my many masks not even considering your feelings of being alone, frightened and angry. And by heck you have everything to be angry about. The masks are many and varied they have been my aid for the last thirty or so years. It was they that helped me survive. The only way I knew how. I wanted to be someone different and be somewhere else. So I used to change the way I feel and become that feeling or a physical manifestation of it. Be that masculine or feminine, happy or sad, stable, disturbed or psychotic. I became who ever I wished in drink I could be anyone as long it wasn't the real me. I hated myself for feeling the way I did. I have just finished a book by the name of "Nanin' and within the first two paragraphs. I thought what the hell was going on. This author was talking about himself within his mother's womb and could feel the abuse that was dished out to his mother and his yet unborn twin sister. After this bout of abuse he could feel his other half slipping away into death and that feeling of being totally alone must have been overwhelming. How the hell did he manage to get back that far? I couldn't make sense of the book until the very end when everything fell into context and was complete. I can see how I let you down I wasn't there when you needed me most just to comfort you and let you know that I was there for you. I left you alone, totally alone for so many years that is now imperative that I re-establish contact with you. I have to get to know the younger me and I need your help and understanding of what I am about to say. I know I have let you down but I am just warning you that those closest to you will let you down as well. They will not be there for you when you need them. I cannot change the future but I can influence the path you follow if you so wish. I can give you the hope that you will survive through the years and you will come to the place where I am now. I can begin to forgive myself as to what I did and let happen to me. It wasn't my fault I was a vulnerable child that had lost his best friend two or three years earlier. I had been betrayed by those older than me including Dad, Mum and Grandma who will blame you in the not too distant future for the death of Mum. I know your isolation and I can understand why. Plus I also remember the day that Granddad died. You were betrayed there not by him but by the thoughts and the doubts that remain with you for the best part of your adult life. Those thoughts and doubts were put there for a reason, unfortunately by others who wished to corrupt you for life so you would be theirs for the rest of your days, under their control wherever you go they will be there inside your head twenty four hours a day three hundred and sixty five days a year. What am I trying to say?…………………….. I suppose what I'm trying to say is this. I promise I will try and remain faithful to you and your memory, never again to doubt you, your feelings and fears. Fear as I have learnt is that which remains unknown, no direction a nothingness its like being lost in a dessert with out the aid of the stars and without hope of being discovered. I'm sorry for leaving you in that dessert and I have switched on the starlight and told others to be on the look out. My mind is now asking me what have I to look out for?………… ME. You will recognise me eventually as being you and you now know that you are no longer on your own and I wish to get to know you again. One thing I can give you is a sense of peace whenever you want it, you have already discovered it in fact not very long ago in Byfleet Library. What's that you ask? If I said to you Roman soldiers would you know what I was on about? You would “plus others like the Spartans and Egyptians”. Well I can tell you with great authority that one day you will be an archaeologist you just have to hang on to your dreams as without them we are nothing. You will even work on a mosaic that as lain hidden for best part of two thousand years and you are the very first to see it in all those years. It is here amongst these people will you no longer feel worthless and you will no longer doubt your own abilities. I just hope the time I'm spending with you will enable you to deal with in a better way than I did. As I said I cannot change the future but I can change the present. At the moment you feel alone, sad and frightened as you feel you're not worth anything. You are everything to me and I need to nurture you through what could be described as shitty times but we will get there I promise. Just hold this thought in your mind and know that “I will never ever leave you again and will remain forever by your side. Never again will I doubt your existence”. I want get to know who the real me is can you help me please? So I am now asking for your help. I pray that you let me in”.

I got as far as mentioning the dessert part and I could feel myself loosing it and began to cry. I carried on till the end by which time I was sobbing. To my surprise Liza was wiping her eyes as well. I said, “your not crying are you?” Liza replied “yes I am, that was a very emotional letter”. I asked for a hug something I have never done before and broke down again.

Not a lot was said really after that, although Liza spoke of the Men's group which she hopes to start during the middle of June and that it will be on a Wednesday afternoon. Liza commented that I was now on my way and next week we are going to rescue me as a little boy. I have to think of a nice safe place where I can tell him to go at anytime he feels threatened. That's my homework for the week. Made an appointment for 11.00hrs next Tuesday. That was that. Margaret was outside and asked me “how it had gone?”. I could feel those tears welling up on me again but managed to control it but I was nearly there. I don't think I'm ready for crying in public just yet.

Trouble is i still dont think he is safe as to why i have no idea.

How do we measure success in recovery?

For me to find perfect peace all i need is a trowel, brush and a trench and Im away with the birdies, what a feeling! To uncover a mosaic was pure magic for the little me, pure joy. \:\)

And all that was left was hope \:\)

Archnut

PS Today (22nd) is the anniversary of my grandfathers death and it still affects me emotionally thirty five years alter as does the six nation rugby which always reminds me of granddad Mick. \:\(


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#46469 - 02/22/03 12:21 PM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
A week ago my son was with me and we decided to fix up his treehouse. Rick and little Rick got carried away and kept working on it long after my son had gone back inside the house!

Today I have a free day. I asked little Rick if he wants to go up to the mountain today to ski. He does. See y'all later!


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#46470 - 02/22/03 12:29 PM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
ARCHNUT: What a post.
And I think we thank you for it.
Trouble is i still dont think he is safe as to why i have no idea.
Think about it. THat little gu was in the dark for a long time. It is comfortable for him. He has no way of knowing that coming into the light is a great journey. That is why he feels at risk. It is your feelings about him of not being safe. I dont think that it is his feeling. Just unease at something new.
Check the Post by CHEY-Wy here in this thread.
I went out to dinner at Applebees. I ordered the Appitizer sampler platter. 100% UNHEALTHY food. but 200% satisfying. Nacho's Ribs, Quesida's, Motzeralla sticks.

Actually, there was enough food that I can have the ribs for lunch tomorrow.

and besides ..... I don't get my cholosterol checked for another month.

He did that for both himself and for little CHEY-WY. Totally spontaneous and for both of them.
This is what I mean. We do lots of things that upon reflection are also for the little US. Sounds crazy I know but think about it please, especially when you believe that the universe is swingin out of control and you are the reason. Be gentle on yourself. If the buddy you are sharing a place with is close to you enlist his help. WE ARE ENTITLED TO A BIT OF FUN.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#46471 - 02/22/03 01:54 PM Re: GOOD STUFF-What did I in the Past 24 hoursfor me and the little me.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Rick: Boy have you got it right. We all hope today is a great one for the two of you. And skiing will give both of you the rush and excitement

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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