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#464370 - 04/21/14 10:00 PM Relationship with your perp (within family)
blockade Offline

Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 20
I'm just wondering what hope I have of having a healthy future relationship with my brother really. I haven't seen my abuser since I was a kid so that's no longer an issue. However I did act out things on my brother, so I am his perp really.
Has anybody been able to get on with their perp in one way or another? Have you been able to forgive a family member or is it just not possible to fully do?

Edited by blockade (04/21/14 10:02 PM)

#464410 - 04/22/14 02:28 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 302
I was able to reconnect with my perp and I did so because he had changed and cleaned up his act. we have a good relationship now.


#464434 - 04/22/14 08:44 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline

Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 20
I'm really glad to hear that Rich. It's good to know there is hope my brother and I can have a good relationship too. Thanks for the response.

#464438 - 04/22/14 09:43 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3645
Loc: somewhere in Africa
blockade -

i am not the best one to speak to this, but will add what i can.

i had a friend whose older brothers were early perps. he desperately wanted to have a good relationship with them based upon truth. he wished more than anything that they had admitted the wrong they had done him, the hurt they had caused, and to have them ask for forgiveness. he would have responded positively.

of course, no one but your brother can say how he feels and how he would respond to your attempt at reconciliation. however, it may be that you need to apologize and express your regret to him, regardless of the outcome, for the sake of your own peace of mind. then it will be up to him whether he responds as you hope.

i encourage you to try and hope for the best. it could be a step of healing for both of you.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

#464439 - 04/22/14 10:40 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 740
Loc: NJ
I think a good part of it comes down to the offender accepting responsibility for their actions. Additionally, without rationalizing "why" it happened...just that it did and that person knows it may have negatively effected the survivors life.

Later there may be time for forgiveness ect, but to start out it "should" be about the survivor and lessening their struggles.

I know, while seeing Richard Garner, this topic came up and he had successes with siblings working it out...I would suggest taking to competent T, to build the right environment to have success.

Sadly at the current time, (last 4 years in recovery) my brother is unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions, regardless of the why....we can't even ever get to a "why" without personal accountability.

I might go as far too say it also depends on the person's personality trait s....How can a narcissist ever not make it about them, but about the other person? How can they focus on the victims pain without it somehow being brought back to try them.

My posts can self destruct at any them while you can.

#464441 - 04/22/14 10:47 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 290
Loc: MO
My older brother was one my perps. He does not think there is anything to ask forgiveness for. He believes it is natural for one individual who experienced some csa is normal to do that to others.

When I was making my 9th step amends (in a 12 step program) I offered to try to make anything right that he felt HI had done wrong. He indicated that I needed to appologize for ejaculating on his belly when he was 8 years old. I explained to him that I was precocious, but I was only.10. It was my older brother who had done that to him. My brother would have forgiven me. But I don't know how he would have responded to the oldest brother. Since he never appologized or asked for forgiveness it is a moot point.

So that is my experience on this subject. If you are unwilling to accept your error and that it was a violation of your brother,
There will be no forgiveness. If you are willin g, you will probably find forgiveness.

Best of luck

#464483 - 04/23/14 10:01 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
My older brother was my perp, and we have an ok relationship. I see him at family gatherings but I don't proactively seek him out. It may be a bit different because I have not confronted him and at the current time don't plan to.
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#464533 - 04/24/14 11:16 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
morgan662 Offline

Registered: 01/13/14
Posts: 13
Loc: New York City
I reconnected with my dad, even though we never talked about the abuse. He just seemed to change - maybe therapy or medication, I don't know. Also the abuse wasn't as invasive as others have experienced. We actually talk fairly often now.
“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”
Kurt Vonnegut

#464567 - 04/25/14 03:02 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline

Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 20
Thanks for the responses, they really do help to figure things out. I know it's going to be hard to right my wrongs but I just hope I can portray that I'm truly sorry to my brother.. I just wish I could do more

#464571 - 04/25/14 06:15 PM Re: Relationship with your perp (within family) [Re: blockade]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 966
Loc: southern California
I have two elder brothers. One denies he ever saw my father do anything suspicious as he recounts story after story of classic signs that my sister and I were being molested by our father.

My second eldest brother laughs about it to this day and finds it hilarious that we were restrained, tortured, and assaulted.

All that to say....
I wish you were my brother. With a heart like yours, I am sure your brother will find compassion in his heart for you.
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."

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