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#464491 - 04/24/14 08:18 AM I wish I weren asexual
learning2remember Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 268
Loc: Europe
I've posted about this before, and something related to it in another thread, but it's really occupying me at the moment.

Basically, I really don't like myself when images in popular media get me aroused or even interested. I feel cheap for being so easy, so predictable, so whatever.

I don't think technically I'm oversexed or whatever the word would be. I am not addicted. If anything, it is the opposite.

There are a lot of images of women that I find demeaning of the model and the viewer.

But then there are other images where it seems sophisticated or just fun --more mainstream--and I find myself looking. And then I really have low self-esteem. I can't believe the easiest tricks are enough to catch my eye.

I think Mom played a large role in this being confusing for me, in that somehow she manipulated my heterosexuality while at the same time disapproving of photos of women. Very mixed messages, very manipulating.

It would be easier if I didn't have sexual response at all. I was talking about this with my T and she asked me if, since I already question my sexuality, wouldn't having no response to images of women lead me to question it more.

She's right, and I can't win. I don't like having a response to images, but I would feel a different kind of shame if i didn't have that response.

Just hard to know the way out sometimes.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#464538 - 04/25/14 12:14 AM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Sexuality is such a great gift God has given to us. But it is easily distorted by pictures or stories. It's steered awry by having parents or a parent who casts a misdirected image of their sexual role. It is also distorted by sexual abuse of a child. To me it seems like it's easily distorted but difficult to set right once it has gone astray.

Puffer


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#464572 - 04/25/14 06:34 PM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
Tiger1982 Offline


Registered: 01/31/14
Posts: 26
Loc: Slovakia
Hello friend,

These days I've been thinking a lot about me being asexual almost for my entire life and now I'm seeing the title of your topic so I had to look at it smile

I've been abused by my mother, both sexually and covertly. I've developed asexuality as a coping mechanism and I wasn't aware of it until last year. I always felt a deep sense of shame whenever I developed sexual feelings while looking at a beautiful woman. I also feel that my mother played a large role in my twisted views... Thanks God I don't see her anymore and so I can work on my issues and reconstruct my sexuality and masculinity.

These days, I'm pretty much screwed, I see, that I can't express healthy sexuality, nor I'm capable of deeper intimacy with a woman without feeling fear and shame. But each day I take small steps towards healing. It is getting better, maybe not as fast as I want to, but it gets better from day to day. Deep down I feel, that there is chance to somehow rebuild my "sexual core" and be sexual without feeling shame or guilt. I believe I will make it and I will enjoy my sexuality and have a satisfying romantic and sexual relationship with a great girl wink

My friend, I hope, that you will be able to look at a picture of a beautiful girl without feeling shame and that you will take in the feminity that radiates from it. Women are beautiful creatures and it is natural that they ewoke all kinds of reaction in men.

I would suggest to read some of the books, that deal with mother son incest - they helped me a lot (I'm not sure If they would help you, but It's worth a try)

Books by Kenneth M. Adams helped me a lot - "When he's married to mom" was an eye opener for me, It deals with covert incest, but many of its symptoms are similar to CSA...
"Silently seduced" - I'm reading it right now, it is also a great book that deals with mother-son incest

But anyway, I wish you all the best, my friend, may your days be full of light wink

Andy
_________________________
Out of the dark, into the light.

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#464589 - 04/26/14 03:49 AM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
learning2remember Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 268
Loc: Europe
Thanks, in my case we're talking about covert and overt stuff, too.

I'm feeling better than when I started this thread. What I've been telling myself is that I AM a moral person. (Because I am.)

And that has helped me see that sexuality is not immoral. Just because I have sexual feelings I am not an immoral person.

This is pretty basic, but to me it is actually new. With this knowledge, I don't have to feel guilty or ashamed over sexual interest. It's not all the same what I do with it, but the feelings are not wrong. (And this gets into the abuse, in which my mother manipulated those impulses while also making me feel ashamed of them.)

Thanks for the feedback. It helps.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#464651 - 04/27/14 02:52 PM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Hi Learning,

I deal with a general pattern of appearing asexual but having a very strong negative reaction to sexual stimuli when I experience them. I once blurted out to a Naturopath who was suggesting "sexy guy" as an objective for me, that I HATED it. She was surprised at the intensity of my response. She said that it was unusual for a man.

My understanding these days is that what I'm craving is the non-sexualized loving touch that newborns are supposed to get when they are young. I'm imagining that since that need wasn't fully met in my youth it lingers and I was forced into sexualized contexts before I was willing, ready, felt safe, and was able to enjoy it. Hence the anger.

Finding ways to satisfy this unmet childhood need is challenging, particularly with unpaid partners of either sex, so I do what I can with what I have and work on body awareness on my own a fair amount too.

The morality aspect hasn't bothered me so much. I guess I'm lucky in that I've been inspired by people who have done a good job of integrating sexuality into their spiritual practices. I see it's place as an expression of love between two people (or in the case of my fantasy world, an exploration into my unconscious). Consciousness and Love are key in my mind. For me, anything done within that context is good. Finding people who share my depth of dedication to Love and Consciousness, however, can be very challenging.

Thanks for writing. It's good for me to hear of people with similar struggles to my own. I don't think I'm actually asexual even though many people have told me that I can appear that way. I think it was a key aspect to why I was abused: my mother was worried about my apparent lack of interest in sexuality when I was young (fearing for my future safety and/or perhaps the well-being of my future partner), my father wasn't going to do anything about it, and so she decided to educate me whether I wanted it or not! Seeing the value of my deeply repressed anger has helped me turn my energy towards protecting myself from the people from where the hurts come rather than taking it out on myself. Getting clear on what I actually need has helped me turn my focus in that direction rather than getting locked into being used by a woman for the gazillionth time.



Sincerely,

"GAATT"


Edited by gaatt (04/27/14 02:54 PM)
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#464688 - 04/28/14 08:09 AM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 363
Loc: NY
Gaatt:

The candor about your parents is refreshing and familiar. I also seem to remember only my mother have any influence on my sexual development. It wasn't until I was past puberty that my father took me seriously as a maturing boy.

I suppose that what that means is that on some level my father did not feel secure during the other years. Or perhaps he just didn't think it was necessary. The one thing he did with my brother was to take him to a topless nightclub at around the age of 11. I remember thinking at the time that there must be something wrong with me because I wasn't invited.

What confusion! It raises the question of what does a boy need. Probably both our mothers realized that something was missing.

It's funny that you mention fear at the basis of this. I think you are right to imply that every parent wants their child to be happy. Yet, in this case, trying to make things better for the child can actually make it worse.

I remember my mother saying to me in my adolescence, I'm trying to be a mother and a father to you. I sincerely appreciated what she was doing. But sometimes a woman can't help a man with sexual issues, just like a man can't help a woman with them. Some things don't apply.

That being said, there is nothing like a healing touch from a caring person, be it man or woman.

Best to you on your road of healing.

FB


Edited by focusedbody (04/28/14 08:36 AM)
Edit Reason: additional thoughts
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#464707 - 04/28/14 02:53 PM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
learning2remember Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 268
Loc: Europe
I relate to what both of you are saying, and it helps to know it's not just me.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#464712 - 04/28/14 03:33 PM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: focusedbody]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Hi Focussed,

Thanks for writing.

Originally Posted By: focusedbody
What confusion! It raises the question of what does a boy need. Probably both our mothers realized that something was missing.


I often see the connections to basic social values. Any child needs a social environment in which he can learn ways of relating that are based in freedom, respect, awareness and love. Very few couples are capable of this and our basic social structures are still rooted in the desire to stay together come hell or high water and/or getting high on reproductive drives. Our decision making processes still generally default to some form of power over others. Our sexual practices are rarely conscious enough to serve a loving, healing, playful purpose either.

Boys don't need to take on the unhealed parts of their parents' lives and yet we often do because the parents haven't done this for themselves before (or even after) reproducing. Boys need to play freely and feel safe. They need adults who are looking out for their safety and offering support for their maturation without forcing it or interfering in their spontaneous development. Boys need to be able to ask for help and get it rather than having "help" imposed upon them.

One of the ways I got hurt was to get caught in subtle sexual competition with my father. Men (and women) who are mature enough and have healed unmet childhood needs are rare. Jealousy and possessiveness disappear in a fully mature human that is comfortable in his or her aloneness and/or together with partner. They don't need to compete with their child for the attention of their mates.

I could (and often do) get quite angry at the virtual total absence of what I'm talking about. Rather than go down that route, I choose to do what I can to heal my own wounds and serve a conscious, loving purpose in all my relations to myself and others. I think the personal piece in this challenge is crucial and the driver to social change.

I hope this helps you see my perspective a little more clearly. My mother is often completely baffled at my struggles even though she does seem to recognize her part in them. My world is quite different from hers in many profound ways. I think that as we talk, she is slowly starting to see them.

Great to hear from you. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Sincerely,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#464713 - 04/28/14 03:35 PM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Hi Learning,

Yes, it's good for me too. Isolation is a big challenge for me. Thanks for writing and asking your question. :-)

Sincerely,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#464859 - 05/01/14 10:11 AM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: gaatt]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 363
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: gaatt
Boys need to be able to ask for help and get it rather than having "help" imposed upon them.


Gaatt:

Yes. Responsibility needs to be taken so that this can happen. In the absence of this a connection gets forced instead of felt.

I hope you can find your way to a place of taking care of these needs, even while listening to them slowly and with compassion.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#464916 - 05/03/14 01:38 PM Re: I wish I weren asexual [Re: learning2remember]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Thanks FB! :-)

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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