i am struggling with a number of things right now. i am an adult survivor of emotional incest. so far i recall no physical incest. perhaps such memories will come to me some day. time will tell.
i have used food and masturbation to pornography to try to ease my pain for decades. i am now 42 yrs old. it surprises me how i chat with men at this site and often find them having differing opinions on porn.
some men use it and are at peace with it. others will not allow themselves to use it. still others dont use it and recommend that others dont either cause they say that it is bad, harmful. i dont know what to think.
i have never been able to carry on a relationship with a partner. i have tried a number of times but i could not be in a relationship and feel safe.
let me say that i was raised by a woman, my mother, who was clearly abusive. one of her favorite targets was my father.
i believe i learned from her and him that women cant be trusted, that they will hurt a man as i saw my mother do to my father so many times.
when the abuse happened my father would be the apparent willing victim. never did i see him hold her responsible for her verbal, emotional, physical abuse. what i mean is that he never once called the police on her after she wounded him physically. he had the welts/bruises, the scratches, the broken skin, the blood to show. but he never called the police as far as i know.
as i said i think i learned from the both of them that if i got into a relationship then i would be abused as my father was.
i have used porn and fantasy to help me meet my need for sex and intimacy for decades now. but, i fear that i may be losing this once helpful tool, the porn i mean.
it is getting harder and harder for me to aquire porn and masturbate to it. 'why?', i ask myself. #1 money is really tight for me now and over time the cost of porn adds up. #2 the act of using porn is getting to be an empty and painful act for me. i am becoming more aware that every time i use porn it is a piece of my life that i am not choosing to spend with another. a period that i am choosing to isolate myself off from the rest of the world. and, at 42 yrs of age i am becoming fearful that if i dont let go of porn soon, or move beyond it, that i may live my entire life with only porn and not knowing true intimacy with a partner.
yes, i am a 42 yr old virgin. it truly saddens and shames me to admit it. it truly does.
sometimes i feel that i carry a well of sadness within me that i have never been able to feel, to access. i hope one day to be able to exerience it without it overwhelming me.
i have not cried in years. i am like my father in that respect. never in my life have i seen him cry. i feel that a man who is able to cry is healthier than one like i. hopefully one day i will cry.
i have not brought porn home in 79 days. during that time i have stopped in porn shops and browsed it many times, just brought none home.
at a porn shop yesterday i found several VHS movies for sale on a clearance rack at a very low price. i really struggled with it. 'do i buy them or not?' is what i battled with. i chose 'not'. but i dont know if i am satisfied with my choice.
i miss porn MUCH and i fear it too. it is funny. for decades porn, fantasy, masturbation were tools that helped me meet my needs. i never knew that the use of these tools would one day bring me trouble, confusion, pain. i never thought i would reach this place.
i would not be surprised if i browse porn again at a shop today. a part of me desires to go back to that shop and buy those clearance movies. but, i honestly dont know if i can spend the 30 dollars in that way. i tell myself that there are more important ways to spend that money.
i dont know what to do. i feel better now that i have shared this. thanks for reading about my struggles. may our higher powers help us all. sincerely,