Newest Members
Rurai, ratherbfishing, NeverAgainSB, It Just Is, HealingHope
12805 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cricket453 (61)
Who's Online
6 registered (L84, Alyosha, 4 invisible), 8 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12805 Members
75 Forums
66053 Topics
461778 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#464319 - 04/21/14 06:31 AM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
Well Gaat, I can accept different people feel different things. This is part of my genophobia I suspect, sinse to me all those sorts of reactions bring a sense of disgust or utter panic.

I can't actually analyse my own state during mb sinse it's pretty much just about taking care of business. It exists in and of itself with very little by way of attached thought or logical consequences, I just sit around thinking my abstracted thoughts and relieve what needs relieving, that is pretty much all.

I have considdered resorting to a prostitute at some points, if nothing else because of morbid curiosity, however I just can't imagine a situation where I could actually go through with things with no emotional connection to the person in question without feeling a very gnum sense of panic, indeed as far as what I would hope from a relationship I can't imagine anything more intermit than holding hands, cuddling or kissing without it triggering my genophobic reflexes.

Top
#464341 - 04/21/14 03:03 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: dark empathy]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Western Canada
Hi Dark Empathy,

I actually considered hiring a prostitute and/or massage therapist too, to explore the 3 week sleeping together healing routine (no sex) described here: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1734

I wasn't able to get support that way (It seems to be a totally foreign concept to anyone: too intimate!), but I did run into an interesting agency which might be able to do something helpful (See:http://www.sensualsolutions.ca/companionship/). Unfortunately they are too far away to be of any help to me and there is nothing similar where I live. Maybe there is something like this where you live?

I've done some healing touch stuff (reflexology is very safe, Quantum Touch or Reiki are more involved but still pretty safe) and I hire a massage therapist. That seems to help.

My recent experiment with a partner in healing backfired rather badly, but I did learn about setting boundaries. Now I'm focussing on loving my body any way I can on my own and seeing where that leads.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

Top
#464381 - 04/22/14 04:59 AM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
Well again we come back to the therapy question of any sort. The real problem for me is that any touch is uncomfortable, indeed the only times I can do something like hug someone with no freze reflex is when I'm trying to focus on someone else. I did this recently in a performance I was helping out with, finished up having three separate people (two female one male), break down and cry all over me, and as usual I ended up providiing support for others, but the sort of mutually pleasurable cummunicative touch that others enjoy is so alien to me as to be nearly impossible, indeed even people talking about s/x in my presance unless I am shielding myself triggers my genophobic panic.

Loving my body in a solo sense is not really something that gives me trouble. I already lift weights and run and peroform exercises in order to maintain my voice, that is just necessity, my problem is to do entirely with interacting with others, not with being alone.

Top
#464418 - 04/22/14 02:58 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: dark empathy]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Western Canada
Wow! That is challenging! I hear you on defaulting to focus on the needs of others. I do pretty much exactly the same thing with most women. My needs (non-sexual touch and healthy bonding (healing early childhood trauma)) usually go unrecognized and usually go unmet unless I make a very concerted effort to speak about them and/or satisfy them in any way I can by myself.

I wish I had some ideas for you.

These last few days I've been reading a book by Osho called "Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships". In it, he claims that Buddha's primary sutra in the Dhammapada states: "Love yourself and watch - today, tomorrow, always". So loving self is the first step. He emphasized that very strongly in the text. I'm not sure how that would work exactly for you, but perhaps you (or your dreams at night or your body) do.

Thanks for writing. Best wishes for your full healing too!

Sincerely,

GAATT
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

Top
#483711 - 06/11/15 12:14 AM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: gaatt]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 428
Loc: NY
Gaatt:

This old post is finding new meaning for me. These days I'm more and more in touch with the fear I feel around the subject of sexuality. I really appreciate this thread and the ability to recognize that a lot of compulsion of the sexual kind is based on a response which is of a frightening nature. It takes a lot of wisdom and courage to stay with this, but it's really helpful to get to the primary emotions that are there.

It's kind of like fear says one thing, and reality and caring another. There is a desire to withdraw into the crappy isolation and another to reach out and speak what is being felt. It's hard to look at someone, feel scared, and then talk about other things that make connecting possible. Hard just to breathe. It's really hard but I'm trying to make the right choice.

Thanks for being here.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top
#483731 - 06/11/15 01:06 PM Re: Sexual charge post trauma [Re: focusedbody]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Western Canada
Hi FB,

This last post of yours is so rich with depth and meaning that I decided to quote the whole thing! :-)

Originally Posted By: focusedbody
These days I'm more and more in touch with the fear I feel around the subject of sexuality. I really appreciate this thread and the ability to recognize that a lot of compulsion of the sexual kind is based on a response which is of a frightening nature. It takes a lot of wisdom and courage to stay with this, but it's really helpful to get to the primary emotions that are there.

It's kind of like fear says one thing, and reality and caring another. There is a desire to withdraw into the crappy isolation and another to reach out and speak what is being felt. It's hard to look at someone, feel scared, and then talk about other things that make connecting possible. Hard just to breathe. It's really hard but I'm trying to make the right choice.

Thanks for being here.

FB


I totally agree and it IS challenging to stick with the healing process and not get overpowered by negative feelings. I had a similar experience to the one I originally mentioned in this thread fairly recently. Again, I failed to take care of myself in the presence of a very important woman in my life (an acquaintance who I was having strong feelings of warm-hearted attraction to who I had invited for coffee/tea). The anger when my fantasy didn't pan out as I had imagined it, got intense, so did a sexual urge to masturbate not long after. Once I dumped my load, the anger disappeared.

I think it reflects an old (and now unhealthy) way that I have resolved a conflict in myself. I feel anger because I'm feeling hurt by an important woman in my life and I want to protect myself. If I express my anger, I fear losing her support (which in my youth, was certain death), I also fear the protective instincts of other males (like my father) who are strongly programmed to protect the women (another death threat...my father was a military officer).

The solution lies in a completely different cultural paradigm at a sexual level: Create a loving mutually supportive context amongst men. Help each other (as we are doing here) to heal at a sexual level. Once that is firmly established in my life, start expanding that new culture to include women if at all possible.

It's a completely different world from the one I grew up in. Hence the fear. I'm up against not only my parents, but the entire culture of my youth.

These conversations with you and the other guys here are a small crack in that cultural edifice. It's a crack that lets the love and the light in and gives me hope that I CAN heal and live a life worth living. It also gives me hope that I can contribute to a much better world than the one that is showing strong signs of falling apart around me.

Thanks for writing and thanks so much for reaching out to me when I was sick last winter. My body struggles severely at times. I've faced what I thought was imminent death many times. That was one of them. It was nice to feel valued and loved for a change when I was struggling so deeply.

Sincerely and in gratitude to you,

"GAATT"
_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.