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#464265 - 04/19/14 09:28 AM Big side effects to a small problem?
Green_Lantern Offline


Registered: 04/18/14
Posts: 2
This is my first time posting, but since this is not specifically about "being new", I thought I'd post it here instead. Please let me know if it is in the wrong thread or section.

First I'll start out with my story. Born "handicapped", was diagnosed with a disease when I was a year and a half old. I've been in an electric wheelchair ever since, and a breathing machine (ventilator). That's a whole other mind bend in itself, being as how I'm not mentally ill or suffering from a type of thinking loss. My survivor story however, plays into that. When I was nine years old, of course I got teased a lot, we all know kids. So keeping and having friends was almost dyer, in my 9yo mind at the time. This neighborhood boy had befriended me, and I would do anything to go outside and hang out with him. Well, he brought up this "game", Truth Or Dare. I never heard of it, so why not. Well, as time went on, weeks, months... The "dares" started getting sexual. And his clutch was, "I won't be your friend anymore if you don't..." So of course, I did. I didn't see it as anything at the time... Of course, I'm 9. So time went on, he, we, got caught by my own mother, in a subtle way. Not in your face, bam. Later that week police came, talked to me, etc. trial happened, let's leave it at that.

The middle part of this is, since I'm in my condition, I do have 24 hour nursing in my home. Even now. And some of them have voiced their opinion and said that, "that boy (defendant) should've never been in court". I guess some believe, "this is what boys that age do. They explore". And that very well may be true. But it was not a thought in my head, and obviously not my mothers. I, personally, feel as if it really wasn't a big deal. Or, I didn't. I've been to counseling, and it was a joke to me. I was 11 at the time and basically just went there and drank diet coke and ate popcorn. Play with their toys. She would try to teach me about sex, erections, etc. I mean, maybe I had a crappy psychologist. But after a year or two, we just stopped going. I say we because my mother obviously escorted me there every week. And there was no diagnosis or anything. And I can't blame that, because I felt as if I was perfectly fine.

Here and now...
I'm 27 years old. I've been engaged twice, been a stepfather 3 times, had long distance girlfriends, short distance, tried the party scene, tried the "American dream" family lifestyle... And now I'm single. I am quite bitter. I stopped going out. Stopped painting, stopped looking online and in public for potential mates. I just have no will to. After being used and broken so many times, you get numb and just stop caring. Sex of course is still a thought and need. But, I have not chosen to have sex for awhile. It's not a rule or goal. I just don't have the want or will to go for it. Not even a home-deliver hooker. A relationship seems pointless and a waste of time to me now. And let's face it, a guy in a wheelchair is not top choice on the market. I've also been struggling over a few years with being attracted to young persons. Boys and girls. I have never acted out these attractions or done anything inappropriate with any child. I'm not gay or attracted to men/guys, but I find boys between 10-14 cute. And same age with girls. Yes, it is perfectly natural for a male to notice and be attracted to a "pure" body and look. But I feel it is a problem. I don't understand why I'm attracted to boys, but in no way attracted to guys and men. I am attracted to females my age, but I prefer younger. I DO NOT and cannot relate to them, nor do I find any progress in trying to hold a conversation with them. Most teens/Tweens annoy me. I'm a mature male and I like deep conversations. So of course I date around my age. But I'm having a hard time understanding these attractions. I want to know how it came from my abuse, or even if it didn't. Please share your insights. No one knows of all this. I never talked about it as openly as I just did.

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#464268 - 04/19/14 11:32 AM Re: Big side effects to a small problem? [Re: Green_Lantern]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hi, GL!

first, welcome to MS. i hope you find it helpful to be here.

second - i am not sure what you mean by a "small problem"? sounds to me like you've mentioned several challenges that all could be considered pretty significant. if you are referring to the initial instances of sex play that you may or may not consider "abuse" - then i think you may need to reassess that in light of the later circumstances - which may well be the direct results of those experiences and all sound like symptoms of an abused child to me. one of the best things that a wise therapist taught me was to stop minimizing my experiences just because i didn't feel like they were that serious at the time. it was a real breakthrough for me when i could actually come out and say out loud what was done to me without euphemisms or excuses or rationalizations or apologies. like another of my counselors said - "you have to own it before you can disown it."

third - the attraction to young guys is something that may have a logical explanation. i found that i was fascinated by boys in early to mid adolescence and finally realized that i was identifying with the innocence and inexperience that i had lost. i was trying to regain that quality - and had confused the yearning desire for a do-over with a sensual attraction or a need for intimacy. once i realized that, i could disconnect the sexual confusion as an unwanted element and see my neediness for what it was. i didn't want to DO anything to them - it was more like i wanted to BE them.

i don't know if i am explaining this in a way that makes any sense, but i hope so.

keep writing and sharing, GL. it really does help - both for yourself and for others who read and reflect.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#464270 - 04/19/14 12:05 PM Re: Big side effects to a small problem? [Re: Green_Lantern]
Green_Lantern Offline


Registered: 04/18/14
Posts: 2
Thank you very much. You just put some things into perspective for me. One side of me feels a slight sexual attraction. But the other side of me feels like I see it as something sweet, pure. Something I want to regain or live, because I never have. I find myself often happy around kids, wanting to teach them things (like drawing, colors, art), and wanting to keep them positive. It breaks my heart to talk to or hear a 10-13yo talk about hating life and things like that. Yes, there is still that human attraction to a physical being. But I feel like it's deeper than that. Almost like a love I have for them. Maybe I'm trying to protect the innocent I see in them, that I have lost.
_________________________
Green Lantern: Earth-2

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#464278 - 04/19/14 05:09 PM Re: Big side effects to a small problem? [Re: Green_Lantern]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 87
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Green Lantern:

I would describe my feelings exactly as Lee did. The fascination with early adolescence is a longing to go back to that age and enjoy it in the way one was not able to enjoy. For a variety of reasons I was robbed of that experience.

In my early adolescence I longed for my father. At the time, he was present in my life, but wholly preoccupied with keeping his business afloat. I got to rewrite the scrip when my son reached adolescence and we did, together, all of what I wish I had done with my father. That was therapeutic for me. On top of that, my son and I we forged a very close bond that endures to this day when he himself is a wonderful father.

In my 30's my Dad and I forged that very close relationship I longed for in my adolescence. He became my mentor and friend. I was able to feel the love he always had for me. You would think that this would have taken care of my adolescent longings. it didn't. They are still there. I still feel like there's a wounded 13 year old boy living inside me. Just goes to show you how powerful childhood trauma can be.
_________________________
Jay

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