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#464140 - 04/15/14 11:48 PM The Bar Keeps Moving
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
I feel like I'm being sh*t tested so often now...improvements happen, but it feels like they're all for show.

He'll never let me in. I cannot say anything at all when he makes mistakes, or backs out of plans, or runs the family late, or...it goes on and on. Everything is a secret: feelings, defenses, conversation, sex...I'm last on the list after work, friends, family and zoning out.

I feel manipulated. Is that all he knows to do? I never know what I will say or do to "cause" him to become defensive, withdraw, or become passive aggressive. I'm sick of the eggshells. Regression is lousy. He doesn't trust me, but doesn't communicate what I can do to build trust in a reasonable way. His expectations are through the roof.

This is not a marriage; it's an emotional hostage situation.

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#464192 - 04/17/14 12:47 AM Re: The Bar Keeps Moving [Re: Airmid]
md4e Offline


Registered: 02/01/14
Posts: 10
This is my first post..even tho I've been reading for a year..I read so much that seems to be coming staight from my soul. This is how I feel so much of the time, only I say I never know when I cross "the line". It seems like I'm forever retracing my words and actions. Wondering what I could have done/said different. When I look over at my spouse and see he hasn't made a move..? Why is it we seem to be the one to adapt to their behavior, which seems to be maladaptive from the abuse.it is so sad to be the one trying so hard to make a "work around" when it would be so great and give us so much ease if it was the one with the maladaptive behavior, that was making a move....asking for our help, giving us a sense of importance in our relationship. Ohhhh that thing we yearn for, called intimacy. The holy grail of csa suvivor spouses.
I guess I just wanted to say I GET what you say, I feel your pain, but most of all thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in my feelings.....D

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#464244 - 04/18/14 11:41 AM Re: The Bar Keeps Moving [Re: Airmid]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Airmid
I feel like I could've written this post. So much of what you wrote rings true with me. I've become a little cynical anymore when it comes to H. Whenever he does something nice or puts in an effort I always think to myself. "O great what does he want or what did he do now. "
He is often nice right before he asks me about something he knows I won't be excited about.
Its such a challenge to live a full life next to someone who is seems empty. H can pick at me all day long but the moment I fire back I'm the one who is being mean. So I tried pointing out his behavior and telling him to stop. Well that makes him feel like I'm treating him like a child. I can't win because he is a victim in his mind. H will always spin everything I that direction. So frustrating.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#464293 - 04/20/14 10:29 AM Re: The Bar Keeps Moving [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Thank you both.

What really gets me is that while I know re-entering the family dynamic is piecemeal, it hurts. His involvement with the family as a whole is coming first, and he wants my admiration for that. (I give it, absolutely.)

Meanwhile, I'm so terribly lonely. Intimacy is him sexually teasing every now and then, only to claim exhaustion later that night. I wold be far less angry if he were honest, and didn't excuse his dishonesty with "well you've always over-reacted before." To this day, he still minimizes his part in some very major conflicts we've had, while blaming me for over-reacting. Enough already.

Until the thinking changes from "I did __, now she needs to give me ___", nothing will change. That's sh*t testing and game-playing, both of which set him us as a perpetual victim.

Last night, he asked, in the context of his friend about to divorce, if I'd ever slept with any male friends when I was going through mine. I said no, and then asked him "Have you ever slept with a boss?" (To me, both are off-limits.) It took him 30 seconds to answer "no". I now suspect he has, No, I don't think I'm making this bigger than it is.

I'm sad.

At what point do we get to question if the healing is even real? We don't.

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#464540 - 04/25/14 01:07 AM Re: The Bar Keeps Moving [Re: Airmid]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 355
Loc: NY
Hey, Airmid.

Your post makes me think of a couple of things on the ongoing, and oh so pleasant, subject of shame.

Originally Posted By: Airmid
Intimacy is him sexually teasing every now and then, only to claim exhaustion later that night. I wold be far less angry if he were honest, and didn't excuse his dishonesty with "well you've always over-reacted before." To this day, he still minimizes his part in some very major conflicts we've had, while blaming me for over-reacting.


Intimacy seems like an area where for male survivors the "bar keeps moving" because during the abuse that was the only way to minimize it.

This is probably something you already know. But when the feelings of shame come into play, I wonder it it wouldn't be right to let them be a little more present, to give them a little more space until they find a resting-place.

When we men are shamed in ways that are destructive at an early age, it turns us into master manipulators. Not only are we trying to mask the shame we feel, but we are also trying to avoid feeling upset or angry about it. That seems like the loop to me.

For me it seems that as men, we are even expected to get angry about things. It can be understood as a sign of strength under duress. Being able to sense that the anger is in fact about having the feelings we are concealing. What can we do to get out of it? That is the tricky part. That's the area that needs space to breathe and someone to say they know what happened even while we are being reminded, if possible.

Hope that adds something to your discussion. If not, ignore.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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