Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
freddie (65), Max10 (56), Medos (46), PJinLB (47), TheWookinizer (27), tofeno (40)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63580 Topics
444201 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#464226 - 04/17/14 10:15 PM Bumps Along the Way
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
I was just reflecting today on the bumps I have encountered in the last week in terms of feeling triggered by sexual arousal from my abuse. I think the topic has been coming up a lot lately around me (i.e. conversations) so it has probably been on the forefront of my mind. Even though I hadn't experienced one of these triggers/flashbacks/insights/relapses in a while, I still feel a little bit of shame or guilt for it, although I am reminding myself that these feelings are normal and common as well as taking inventory of my progress in recovery thus far.

I think being kind to myself is also important and I keep reminding myself to do that.

I was just wondering, what techniques do you use when you experience these bumps along the way in the recovery journey? I understand that the path is not without challenges and is not all smooth sailing, so how do you all deal with these storms?
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#464228 - 04/17/14 10:24 PM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Hi JayBro

I know I should be kind to myself. I don't know what that would be. I guess not drinking (I am an alcoholic) is being kind to myself.

I breathe. I meditate, AND i SEEK THE PRESENCE OF gOD (Sorry about the caps). When I watch T V and it triggers an abuse memory
I let it wash over me. If it doe.sn't, I stop watching.

Hope this is helpful. I started working on my physical and sexual abuse issues when I was 37. That is 28 yeARS ago.

Top
#464230 - 04/17/14 10:31 PM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
Be kind to yourself, love yourself--these will help you when the bumps hit. Over time the bumps will be there but the pain and hurt will not be there. I have learned to think of things that make me laugh. I have told the story of someone in a support group who gave me a wonderful visual. I am sitting on a large toilet seat, watching the abuse swirling in the flushing water, I am waving good bye and good riddance as he disappears down the drain. It puts a smile on my face. Why this image stuck with me I do not know, but I laugh and realize he is the one who needs to be flushed away.

I believe over time it gets easier.

Find something that distracts you, makes you feel good or happy. You are moving forward and the ride gets less bumpy.

Kevin

Top
#464232 - 04/18/14 12:39 AM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 297
Let go of the image that being a rape victim is all you are. In the sexual front you must learn to disassociate sex with rape. Any intrusive thoughts are triggered by the fact that your emotional apparatus and your nervous system are overloaded with the images, sensations, feelings, affects, smells and other details of the abuse. Any slight reference will trigger this reaction immediately.

How do you disarm a bomb so ready to blow?

You bypass the detonator.

Whenever you start noticing the triggered sensation come online. Try and register what is it that triggered you, and make a mental note of it., see what clue it is trying to communicate to you about the abuse.

Dis-identify with the trigger by remembering that you were not born this way, this is just a response fueled by a event,and hence you developed a coping mechanism to it.

If it is triggering your sexuality, then well i recommend you try being more in your body all of the time by using embodied self awareness, (For more info check the web).

When you have these intrusive reactions try and always remember that though they may be experienced by you, it does not mean they constitute who you are as a human being.

Integrating this experience requires time and effort that does pay off. There is a physical,emotional,psychological and spiritual dimension to the recovery process.
Always remember that.

The abuse is a virus in your software. The anti-virus is your own willpower.


Edited by justplainme (04/18/14 12:57 AM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#464233 - 04/18/14 12:45 AM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 297
Another thing i'd like to add is that the closer you get to the traumatic experience the more you will feel these sensations. Quite literally the better you are getting the worst you are going to feel. That is for a while at the very least,you can see this reflected in your dreams and in your manner of feeling your life.The dreams will portray images of death,murder,rape,monsters, Etc...
And your emotions will seem to overpower you,leaving you to feel helpless,this is where the magic happens though,somehow a survivor must dive in back to the experience to resolve the unmet logic a child would find in such a damaging event. As an adult you can do this and see what is that the child is trying to figure out through the re-experiencing of the abuse. (PTSD ANYONE?)

I recommend you do this with a skilled therapist only, otherwise you can really fuck yourself up by going at it alone. Trust me on this.

Once you figure out what the trigger is trying to tell you..you can move on. You can say , this happened to me, but it does not define who i am as a person.



Edited by justplainme (04/18/14 12:46 AM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#464234 - 04/18/14 12:49 AM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 297
Keep smiling !
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#464251 - 04/18/14 09:40 PM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I agree with sorting out what is a horrific memory of abuse, from what you like sexually that may be similar to your abuse.

Sex is good, and fun, although it was misused on us as children.

I feel for me, that it messed up how I understood the emotions behind the act.

Being aggressive and dominant, I associated with my perp. But also many women like an aggressive male. I wondered if it was left over from my abuse when I felt the desire to be dominant in bed. Or was it just who I am?

It has taken much time, but I can now now be dominant with my wife. I don't feel guilty or confused by times when I am in a more aggressive mood and just what to fuck her hard... And she likes it. It is within the confines of a loving relationship. The expression of mutual desire. It is good for us. She feels like a hot woman I lust after!

I would say to carefully consider your abuse as a perversion of one of the best things in life. It is like theft, if we let it be.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to set right the things planted in our heads.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

Top
#464313 - 04/20/14 10:15 PM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
Thank you everyone so much for your really insightful and helpful commentary. I absolutely agree with the image of our wiring being overloaded and getting mixed up while we try to get things in the "right" order. And yes, sexuality is a beautiful thing, which, when turned into abuse, is horrifically violated. We were robbed of a healthy sexual and emotional development, hence the essential harm in sexual exploitation of a minor.

Lately I have been practising a form of mindfulness where I "sit on" my feelings. I don't make any decisions and contemplate what I am feeling and why. What are the possible options before me and what scenarios would they lead to? This has been quite helpful in a variety of life situations. However, when I "fail" (it IS a learning process though), or make a decision I later regret, it is like being struck by lightning and I experience an aftershock (guilt). If I dwell on it for too long, and this aftershock can be harmful because it holds me back from the confidence I have in myself and in my recovery.

It does feel good to read all of your responses: I feel though like my usual, confident self again, and it is in many ways thanks to your contributions. I have had several "tests" in the past week and I have passed them all.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#464342 - 04/21/14 03:26 PM Re: Bumps Along the Way [Re: JayBro]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 284
amen to that
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.