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#464213 - 04/17/14 04:16 PM My Story.
teba Offline


Registered: 04/17/14
Posts: 2
Hello, guys, I'm completely new around here. So, I thought I'd share my story(ies) and ask some questions, as I'm still not sure if I was subjected to abuse or not. I'm so confused.

I'm 26 now. So, when I was in what in the USA would be elementary school, I had swimming lessons once a week. I had this female teacher. Right from the beginning she sort of took an special interest in me, to put it that way. Anyway, the class was divided in 3 groups, and each had a different teacher. Our teacher used to get in the water with us, something neither of the other two teachers ever did. She would grab and touch me to "teach" me and "help me" understand the lessons/adopt the right position to a given movement and things like that. I always felt uncomfortable. She would touch me all over and I was of course only wearing a speedo-type swimsuit. She used to make physical contact a lot. I was around 7. Then, after class, she would enter the changing room. Again, she was the only teacher to do so. It was an all-male school. She would ALWAYS look at me while I was changing. The entire time. I remember once she came really close and told me not to forget to dry my genitals very carefully, and then watched me doing so.

So, was that abusive/incorrect behavior? I'm so confused. I mean, I know it's always made me feel EXTREMELY embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, guilty, dirty, uncomfortable, depressed, sad and anxious, that much I do know. I'd like to just erase most of my childhood, and that's one of the main things that make me feel like that. I'm a virgin. I'm afraid of sexual intercourse and it disgusts me and deep down I can't help but see it as a "dirty" thing. I'm homosexual. For some reason for like a year or so now I've been thinking a lot about these episodes and about other one I'll tell you about below. I sometimes have nightmares either of being sexually assaulted/humiliated or somehow related to sex. They're violent and disturbing.

So, the other thing/"episode". When I was around 10 one day I was sharing a bed with someone. I'm almost sure that at one point in the night I woke up but remained completely still. Then, this other person reached around and grabbed my genitals for a few seconds. I have the same question; would that be abusive? Also, I'm very, very scared and worried that somehow I might be making it up, that somehow my mind created this memory. Could that be possible?

Thanks in advance.

Regards.


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#464215 - 04/17/14 05:43 PM Re: My Story. [Re: teba]
Serpenta Offline


Registered: 04/17/14
Posts: 2
Loc: Dixieland
You are around the same age that I was when I was living in denial about the abuse I had suffered and I can relate to how you say you feel. Maybe you remember more than you think you do and your feelings of guilt about having "made it up" (we believe you!) are blocking your ability to accept that information right now. I'm also new here, so, hi.
_________________________
"Respice te ipsum."

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#464224 - 04/17/14 08:20 PM Re: My Story. [Re: teba]
teba Offline


Registered: 04/17/14
Posts: 2
Thank you very much. Hi and welcome too. I'm curious as to what others may think about my situation, and the questions I raised, too. Was it really sexually abusive behavior?

Thanks again.

All the best.

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#464227 - 04/17/14 10:16 PM Re: My Story. [Re: teba]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 262
Loc: MO
Dear teba

Welcome I am sorry you need our support but I am glad you have sought it out.

First any child under the age of 14, in all states is legally unable to give consent. If the swim teacher watched you become naked she molested you. This is a legal definition. If ucshe was not your parent, if she was 5 years older than you, if she did this on a consistent manner, not one single occasion when it may have been inadvertant, it was molestation. If you feel that she touched your penis or testes through your speedo, no matter what she was teaching you, that was molestation. If she elicited a sexual response from her watching you or "teaching" you, that was molestation.

BELIEVE THE CHILDREN. You have been remembering this experience for almost two decades. Ifyou believed at seven it is true at 26.

Did this other person you were sleeping with molest you when you were 10. Was the individual 5 years older than you. It was a felony. It the individual was around your age while it is still sexual contact (assualt) it will not be considered criminal.

I don't know if you really wanted this kind of answer. If you want a more direct answer, it has nothing to do with the law. You clearly felt violated, your space and your body were dishonored in a way that exposed you sexually.

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#464236 - Yesterday at 05:07 AM Re: My Story. [Re: teba]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 358
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Teba,

My take is that if you felt abused, you were abused. You are the only one who can ever decide for yourself what is right for you and how you feel. Whether your experiences fall into categories of illegality or not is insignificant compared to what any experience is to you. It is clear that these experiences are very disturbing for you, so, from my perspective they did disturb you. Learning to respect myself and trust my own inner knowing has been a lifetime difficulty. One of the effects of my own abuse. Also, learning to find a reference point in myself for who I am and what is right for me has been another challenging life issue.

So, in the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels about your experience. It only matters what you think.

Having said that, what your swim teacher did was horrible, in my opinion. She was a very sick person, and turned you into an object to work out her own personal, disturbed, sexual issues. Children get damaged with that kind of stuff. Doesn't mean you can't heal from it. But my experience is it has taken the help of other male survivors as well as therapy, reading, and a lot of personal growth experiences to give me the support I need.

Sending you love and good will,

Don.

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