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#464170 - 04/16/14 04:11 PM Re: Of all they took, miss my smile *****TRIGGERS***** [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
IW2T -
seeing your avatar pic now, i can see why you miss your smile.
it is/was a great one.
i hope being here and the work you are doing to thrive can help you get it back!
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#464176 - 04/16/14 06:01 PM Re: Of all they took, miss my smile *****TRIGGERS***** [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
I haven't been able to look at that picture in a very long time. Posting it is what my last T would call a breakthrough event. Scanning and taking the yellow out of it, did churn up a lot of emotions. I miss that kid. What's more I miss with that child could or should have been. While I do mourn for that life that could have been, I am content with a good that has come from my life, even from the warts.

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#464180 - 04/16/14 07:47 PM Re: Of all they took, miss my smile *****TRIGGERS***** [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3133
Loc: O Kanada
your story was hard for me to read, but i am glad you shared it.
i always get strong emotions when i hear about this stuff first hand.
there never seems to be much justice or closure in reality.
whatever happened to thomas and his crew?
although violence cannot be condoned,
it seems like it is sometimes necessary, and
i feel guilty to admit that i was glad when you went off on that school bully.
i had to do that a few times myself,
but it only takes a few times and the bullies stop coming.

welcome to ms.org.
and thanks for reminding me

it's time to bring back the SMILE smile
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#464185 - 04/16/14 08:39 PM Re: Of all they took, I miss my smile ****TRIGGERS**** [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1568
A smile is a great thing. As a child I had a smile people would comment on. I was able to keep it going through most of my life. Sometimes it was real and other times I was hiding a pain that no one knew. There were periods when I could not smile. The pain and hurt were there but for the most part my denial allowed me to smile. As I unraveled I could no longer hide the pain, it was evident in everything about me and I could see my smile was gone.

Strangely, last July I was in my hometown, it was my brother's 40th HS reunion. We were less than a year apart in age and I went to the first night. I hear out of nowhere at the bar, hey smiley--it was friend who grew up on our road with us. He said you have not lost that smile. He did not know I had lost it for almost eight years as I was unraveling and the triggers were destroying my life. I begun to realize I was reclaiming who I was and the pain no longer took the smile away because the pain was not pain. I was now in control of my life.

As you heal that natural smile will return. It is part of you. The abuse can rob you of it, and the pain can overcome you ability to hide the pain on the exterior.

I am hopeful for you, that one day that smile will return and you will not allow the abuser to rob you of who you are--

Keep healing

Kevin

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#464204 - 04/17/14 09:36 AM Re: Of all they took, I miss my smile ****TRIGGERS**** [Re: victor-victim]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
whatever happened to thomas and his crew?


I was 22 when I was off the booze and was forced to deal with the wreckage of my life, and all of that pain and rage, without the numbing agents. I took 30 days leave from the military, and went back to the old neighborhood to confront my attacker. I have often describe that time as going hunting for Thomas. That was a true statement, I was hunting him. I was filled with a lot of rage at 22.

I was fortunate, a quick investigation disclosed Thomas killed himself, as he was about to be arrested for molesting another small boy. I wish I had the courage to tell someone when I was 8. How many fewer victims would there have been. My Preacher recently told me "That was wasted energy, and you shouldn't think like that." But, how can I not, in spite of what he, and his friends, did with and to my body, I am not a monster.

It took me many, many, many, many, many, years of therapy to finally realize that both TJ and D we're just as much victims as I was. I can truthfully say at this point I do not hold any malice against them.

My survivor’s affirmation: “My life IS my legacy, as his darkness was his. I remember even though his darkness covered me for a time, it did not take my soul. Each time I do this, I claim the victory, and I survive.”
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#464212 - 04/17/14 03:41 PM Re: Of all they took, I miss my smile ****TRIGGERS**** [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
IW2T

I read about your wish for courage when you were a kid. You cannot hold yourself responsible for anything Thomas did. There is no proof that saying anything would have helped anyone. You could have ended up dead. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself. You were a kid, end of story. please focus your energy on yourself and healing and not supposition for some other ending.

Thank you for posting your story. I wish you well.

Dave

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#464364 - 04/21/14 09:29 PM Re: Of all they took, miss my smile *****TRIGGERS***** [Re: I Want 2 Thrive]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
I just realized what triggered me so violently. I have been reviewing my old journals. Next month is the anniversary of the first time I was raped. Thursday May 2, 1974 I was just about to pass the 3rd grade. Thursday was the day parent teacher conferences were being done to prepare the families of those who were condemned to summer school. Friday was a teachers workshop. I relegated the pivotal event of my childhood to a season. This was the week my brother found out we have different fathers. I have subsequently found out his father was a rapist, M could not deal with it and attempted suicide. He spent the month of May in the psych ward by order of the courts, then was sent to Chaddock Home For Boys. How could I forget this!
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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