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#464026 - 04/13/14 01:34 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 369
Loc: Ohio
Was feeling restless this weekend, and come to realize a lot of it is base in loneliness with this challenge. I have friends and a partner and others in twelve step recovery, but can still feel lonely at times when dealing with these issues (partially because I've been on this journey for a while and don't bring it up f2f much at all because it has already been covered.)

Not fun, but I have enough experience to know the feeling passes in time.

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#464027 - 04/13/14 01:37 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 369
Loc: Ohio
repeat - edited


Edited by kcinohio (04/13/14 01:38 AM)
Edit Reason: repeat

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#464028 - 04/13/14 08:36 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 81
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Thisman,

After 6 months of heavy therapy, several sessions a week. I asked the same question with my first therapist. Even though I was from a blended family, (1 adult sister, one older half brother, one younger half brother, two step brothers, more cousins than I can count) and even surrounded by all of those people, I was always alone. If you ever get the chance, ask your T to administer the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator. It might give you another way to look at yourself. I learned there's who I am, and then there's what happened to me. Both have to be examined in equal measure. My first T took that approach. I am a firewall INFP. After giving me the clinical description of an INFP, he went on and described the INFP as the emotional sewer, "Izzy, you are spontaneous, you lead with your heart, you look for the best in every person you meet, and you internalize EVERYTHING!" As an introvert, I learned early to master the art of being alone in a crowded room. My wife has told me on many occasions I could become a hermit easily. I've come to understand she is absolutely correct.

As a kid I was the afterthought, drug along to every "family" activity but not part of it. As an CSA victim (hate that word but, it was my state of being at the time) secrecy and keeping to myself was a part of the "new normalcy." As an adult my alcoholism gave me an excuse to be alone in a crowd. As a CSA survivor (also a state of being - recovery) I did not think anyone else would understand and I excluded them before they could exclude me. As an Air Force sergeant, I needed a professional detachment from my superiors, and my subordinates. I took it one step further an iced out my peers.

My 3rd and 4th T(s) summed it up best, being alone is your environment you can change that by joining activities. Being lonely is often a choice as well, I had to learn to engage another human being, making that choice was a risk. I found I hated loneliness so much that I took that risk.

I do not know if you are like me in this regard but, I would ask that you would simply examine the possibility.




Edited by I Want 2 Thrive (04/13/14 08:52 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar/spelling, BLOODY SPEECH RECOGNITION SOFTWARE
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#464033 - 04/13/14 10:17 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 820
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I'm mostly alone because of after watching 55+ years of me continuously re-creating abusive situations, I decided I needed the isolation to figure out ME. And, it is working. I have ventured back out periodically, the abusive situations getting briefer and briefer and clearer and clearer, and each time I learn more and more about myself.

I am only now at 64 healing enough to see how all I knew was to demonize anyone and anything I perceived as a threat. Usually everyone and everything. My introspective efforts are paying off. I am able to tease apart my thinking and see how I have always determined my own outcomes by what I believed to be true. There was just so much terror locked up inside it has taken a long time. I am in very early times with seeing the possibility of a me not dependent on fear for my identity.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#464162 - 04/16/14 02:19 PM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Funnily enough tm, the times I have felt most lonely are the times I've been in a crowd of other people. There is nothing to make you feel more alone than sitting watching a large group of other people interact. It also doesn't help that yes, people treat me as an outsider because of my visual imparement anyway, indeed as an undergraduate I used to walk to the colidge bar and sit for half an our waiting for someone to speak to me, and they didn't.

One thing I'm realizing however, is that loneliness is only bad if I actively considder myself incapable of interacting with others. I have taught myself to talk to people, even staff in shops, how to make conversation. Another major vocation of mine is singing in which I make a speciality of communicating with the audience. Knowing myself that I have the capacity to connect with others and communicate in a meaningful way means that I am in a position to be in control of my destiny.
At the moment I have not spoken to anyone accept shopkeepers sinse last Sunday, however I am not the least bothered. Having just come back from a very intensive set of auditions at music school and an equally intensive session doing my first experience of recording my voice in a studio, I actually want! a break from people.

There are people I am confident I could phone up and chat to or friends I believe I could ask round, indeed I did on Sunday evening, however at the moment I prefer to choose not to.

So, while I agree that joining a regular group for some sort of activity (like the tabletop roleplay group I myself attend each weekend)and interacting with people occasionally can help, do not see it as a necessity, that you must! be one of a crowd in order to be accepted, see it as a matter of choice. Have the belief that you are capable! of connecting with others if the opportunity and necessity arise, and then at times when you are alone you know you are alone by circumstance, or even choice, not by isolation.

right now I'm very much enjoying being alone. i get to watch startrek, be my own bos, play some classic computer games and do some reading too.

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#467517 - 07/12/14 09:50 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: don64]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 21
[quote=don64]I'm mostly alone because of after watching 55+ years of me continuously re-creating abusive situations, I decided I needed the isolation to figure out ME. And, it is working.

i truly relate to that , for years i felt bad and inferior for people treating like shit , and now i realize that i was simply (re-creating abusive situations)it doesnt matter wether the person liked me or not because eventualy , after being with them i alaways end up feeling hurt and inferior , the last 5 years or so i been focusing intensly on finding my self ( basically through books and journaling), my self who i hoped would inspires other to treat me with respect and allows me to thrive in relations ships and work , but it's no easy work and never seem to be completed, even though i notice some progress in my life but not able to enjoy them, cus they often seem insignificant to me and to others, but still the lonliness remains one most painful experience in life.
_________________________
The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.-Anna Quindlen-

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#467521 - 07/12/14 11:01 AM Re: the loneliness [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 820
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Sending you love and good will, 96789594. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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