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#463967 - 04/11/14 12:20 PM finally self-acceptance
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 181
Loc: Puget Sound
Finally after all these years I am able to accept myself as I am; GAY!!!

I always thought I was reluctant to accept myself because of others; but really it was me. I know nothing before abuse so my only reference point was the abuse. How could I like what was done to me how could I rationalize that I want to be with guys when everything I knew told me that my abuse was wrong that I wasnít supposed to like it. Stockholm Syndrome! I not only accept the notion that Iím gay but also accept that a part of me was co-opted and still longs to be with him, but another part of me hated myself so badly, I knew that he made me gay that I was born like every other ďmanĒ on the planet and thought about nothing less than screwing every girl on the planet. Itís why I grew up wishing I was a girl then my attraction to guy would not just be ok socially but ok inside, no problems here? FF to remembering my abuse the disconnect finally of my damaged self ďlittle cĒ that I was able to look back on my life and realize its why I cut myself of from sex to a degree, I was a guy and like other guys but how could you like what was done to you? See Iíve agonized over this my entire life and not until I remembered my abuse did I also realize that for my own mental health I had to accept that I was born gay and nothing can change it; heck even if my abuse made me gay does it matter? Iíll always remember his implication that he abused me since birth so maybe itís just imprinting but does it matter? For the first time in my life I know true inner peace, finally peace from the abuse, peace that Iím gay. And just finally peace! I no longer see the world as a frightening place filled with enemies but a world where I think most people are truly good and the real animals out there are the exception. I just had to accept who and what I am, accept what was done, forgive those so that I could move past all those who violated my trust.

Several years ago I was in a car accident that left my faith in machines in taters; I lost the only mental stability I had. It unhinged me in a way I never anticipated, in an act of desperation I started using both salvia and synthetic cannabinoids, it led me to re-experiencing my first conscious memory of my first remembered rape, although at the time I had no idea what it was I used to have the same nightmare for years as a kid. 9 months later in the very city that it took place in I remembered it all, I was inconsolable! I was still working on the road at that time I didnít realize yet that I was psychotic, that my actions were those of a man whose psyche could handle no more! I quit my job in July of í13 moved from New Hampshire to Washington, found a place right on the Hood Canal, proceeded to just hang out and heal thine-self. Unlike those that see mj as a tranquilizer I see it as a key to your mind, it allows you to ask yourself questions about yourself without the intrusion of emotions, it allows you to suspend judgment, let your thoughts float to the heart of matters, rather than dulling the senses it allows you to really know yourself, to stop lying to yourself to finally be able to look at yourself without any layers of distrust or misconception. It allowed me to suspend self judgment long enough to look at myself critically, realize that no matter what Iím a good person that despite all my flaws all my misdeeds that I am truly repentant on and have truly dedicated myself to making this a better world, a world where maybe someday what I and others have experienced will no longer be a concern, where it will be seen as another forgotten remnant of our stone age ancestors just like religion and god and other inventions of man to explain what our puny brains can perceive. Where all fictitious superstition is a thing of the past, where the light outshines the darkness of ignorance and misunderstanding where the sociopaths no longer control our intertwined destiny.

little c & chris finally able to co-exist, working together, going forward, the skyís the limit!!!

_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#463980 - 04/11/14 06:51 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
jd123 Offline


Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 9
Loc: Missouri, USA
Congratulations! You did it!!!!!! You accepted yourself as God made you...............A Gay Man.................

Stand proud and tall for your courage!

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#463985 - 04/11/14 09:09 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Chris thanks for sharing the good news,

Its a great step for those of us who are gay, self-acceptance is a must and can be an extra challenge for LGBT survivors.

It makes no difference about nature/nurture, born or made to me, it is unalterable for me and I am glad I accepted that fact when I did. There was a time I desperately wanted to not be who I was, but now I would not change being gay, it would mean loosing the only person I ever truly loved who loves me in return.


Congratulations on your courage, I wish you all that is good in this new phase of your life.

My favourite line, "little c & Chris finally able to co-exist, working together, going forward, the skyís the limit!!!"

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#463990 - 04/11/14 10:58 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 669
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Chris,

I'm happy you are finding some peace with who you are. My parents are pretty sick people, not to the outer world, but their inner worlds are quite damaged. And, it's not that they don't intend good things, they both survived with I imagine were very damaging family lives.

At age 53 I began to remember sexual abuse and physical abuse from my father. At 63 I began to remember sexual abuse, physical abuse and torture from my mother. The idea of SSA vs. gay never occurred to me until I joined MS last September. After wrapping my mind around all the possibilities, I'm still clear that I am gay, and have always been. I'm from a different generation than you, and the cultural and religious taboos about being gay were a little less relaxed. I'm so happy for young gay men today who seem to be much more a part of main stream culture than the rural southern U.S. I grew up in.

What I have figured out, for me, is that while gay, I do have massive SSA damage issues associated with the brutal sexual experiences of my father in infancy and early childhood. He probably raped me at age 8 also, but that is still blocked. I guess I wanted to share this to emphasize early damage can be kind of complicated. So much of it, for me, rises to the surface through my form of body memory, and then it can take sometimes many long years to reach the feelings. Getting to the feeling level of infant and early childhood is an indirect experience for me and happens oh so slowly. And, for me I sense the damage my father did to my ability to have satisfying sex with men will only heal as I am able to move through these early feelings. There is so much that I believe and know to be true for me that I am unable to live because of my early damage. I have an inner persistence, thankfully, but it is a slow process for me.

Best of luck to you.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#464003 - 04/12/14 09:37 AM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Very cool.

I am happy for you. It takes courage to own who we are, gay or straight.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#464007 - 04/12/14 01:15 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1306
Cosmos!

Not so fast. There are some forms to fill out before you get the actual membership card wink

Seriously, though, gay or straight, we've all been through an incredibly disorienting experience that messed with the very core of our developing sexual identities.

For so long, I, too struggled with identity, with SSA vs truly gay, etc - and I even thought that if I was gay, my abuser made me that way, so acting on it meant he won. My heart hurts for those still living in that hell of self-denial. Life is too short, and the greatest tragedy must be to come to the end of it and realize you never really lived it.

The greatest victory over our abusers is simply stopping the fight within ourselves that ultimately our abusers set up. The questions I asked may never be answered, but it is enough for me to know that I grew around him the way I had to. By accepting myself for who I had to become did not mean I was accepting the man who may have trained my branches to grow that way - it meant instead that I was taking full ownership of myself, and kicking him the hell out.

Congratulations!
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#464020 - 04/12/14 09:39 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1181
Loc: New York
Hey Eric

That is a scary avatar that sends a really strong message to the person you survived. You know we've been following each other's progress but I can't seem to get all those dickheads together to dump them especially when I was one of them.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#464120 - 04/15/14 12:51 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
This has been so uplifting and inspiring to read!! Good for you cosmos, I have so much pride in men like you! laugh Welcome to freedom!!

p.s.- is it just me, or does anyone else here feel that dealing with the breakdown over our sexual abuse and/or also accepting our identities as non-straight men was also a great catalyst for seeking out an overall healthier mental well-being and life philosophy??
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#464121 - 04/15/14 01:06 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1181
Loc: New York
Hey JayBro

I'm still dealing with my breakdown but I don't think that because I'm gay is a reason for seeking out help I think it's more like wanting to find a reason, besides my wife's health, to not want to pull my plug for what I did.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#464122 - 04/15/14 01:15 PM Re: finally self-acceptance [Re: cosmos]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Interesting. I think for me, I accepted that I was gay when I was 11 or 12 and it inspired me even then to want to understand those in society that the mainstream didn't largely accept, and to not judge others for their differences. I think it made me also more sensitive to injustices. I had also heard of men married to women and then coming out later in life and the troubles that caused them, and I knew from that early age that I wanted to be honest, upfront, and not take a life path of denial which would lead me to make difficult decisions like that.

The fallout from my sexual abuse occurred 2.5 years ago when I was 20. I see it as a re-birth of sorts, and while it has been tough and isn't done yet, I am so thankful that I experienced it because it changed my life for the better.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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