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#462785 - 03/18/14 12:38 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Evening YYZgirl,

I concur with Kevin with some additional observations.

It makes sense to me that your husband would have a "melt down" after spending time with his friend. It can be a very, very intense experience to share your past with another abused person. Very raw. When I first "came out" so to speak, I had a complete melt down as well. The dam broke. All of the memories came rushing back. Panic attacks. Raging. Weeping at work. it took a good 2 years before I could settle down. Talking to other men here opened my eyes even more. It's a very overwhelming time. You may see more. You may not. Our recovery, your recovery, is such a lengthy and difficult journey and this is an overused expression but, hang in there. We're worth the wait.

Rusty

P.S. Not to be too, too personal but we too often have trouble with intimacy and physical contact. Add to that an admission of sexual abuse and all bets are off. To touch or be touched can be uncomfortable. DO NOT take it personally. Remember that you married for better or for worse. Well, you're in the later. You're in the midst of a complete upheaval. Your relationship has just made a monumental shift. If the most intimate contact that you have with each other is conversation, then let that suffice for now and if you can sneak in a hand hold or a peck on the cheek a time or two then good for you. wink
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#463800 - 04/07/14 12:49 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
It's had been a bit since I have posted on here as things have been a bit crazy to say the least. Things with my husband have not been going well at all, he is back on his meds again and seeing his therapist weekly and I am proud of him for that as it looks like this time he is finally really dealing with his issues but I am having a very hard time with it, he has such incredible anger now and days and does things that are so hurtful to me, I find myself buying into this anger even though consciously I know that I shouldn't it's just so hard when he is saying such hurtful things to me. I am also still having a very hard time trusting him as with the exception of 1 time, he never follows through on his promises. I guess I am just venting now and hoping for some encouragement that things will get better as I love him so much and want to be there for him but he is making it so hard

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#463842 - 04/08/14 07:58 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: Rusty563]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Originally Posted By: Rusty563
Remember that you married for better or for worse. Well, you're in the later. You're in the midst of a complete upheaval. Your relationship has just made a monumental shift. If the most intimate contact that you have with each other is conversation, then let that suffice for now and if you can sneak in a hand hold or a peck on the cheek a time or two then good for you.

I don't want to hijack YYZgirl's thread, but I have to ask: How long is "for now"? I'm quite aware that I married for better or for worse, I was just assuming that there would be "for better" parts in there somewhere as well.

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#463858 - 04/08/14 02:49 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 698
Loc: NJ
I just feel like there has to be positive TRENDING in the big picture - that's how I have always answered the HOW LONG question.

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#463893 - 04/09/14 02:05 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
I have to agrees somewhat with the previous post, I understand that there ups and downs in every relationship and times when one partner has to hold things up to support the other but what happens when I am falling and my husband doesn't seem to care, yells at me , runs away from home for days and constantly lies.

Yesterday my H announced he is stopping his meds and seeing his therapist again, I am trying to stay positive that he is just in the pains of his recovery and does not really mean it but I am in pins and needles that he will be true to his word I am tired of worrying myself sick every time he goes to work if he is going to come home, I am tired if being lied to and then made to feel that it is all in my mind and I am crazy and am tired of being treated like i dont exist I want to be there to support him and help him anyway I can but not sure how much more I can take. This type of behavior has only been happening in the last 5 months

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#463973 - 04/11/14 04:24 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Hey there,

Reading these relationship posts just makes me mad as hell as to the lack of information out their and support for not only men, but also their spouses. I wish I could say I was a model citizen, but I'm not. I'm a man, horribly abused as a child, who mad bad choices but were the best I thought at the time.

I don't want to spark a debate here...but it's sufficient to say that "meds" can be and are often abused by survivors as a way to escape. My doctor thought he was helping me, but I was so medicated all the time there was no way for me to do the hard work and to recover. I do think meds have a time and a place in treatment, particularly in the beginning as we deal with flashbacks and anxiety attacks, etc.

That being said...when I look back at all the pills I was taking...it ultimately held me back. My therapist asked me to do a week of bootcamp...meaning therapy every day first thing in the morning...and the rule...I could not be medicated.

She said I could take them after therapy, but I'm a rip the bandaid off kind of guy and I went cold turkey against my therapist and my doctor's recommendation. For me....it worked. Once I got off the drugs (xanax, painkillers, muscle relaxers) I got a clarity of thought and focus that I had forgotten.

I made my most progress only AFTER....I went off the medication. With your husband, be careful....he may be telling you he wants off the medication because he doesn't like what it does to him. I totally understand that. As long as he isn't a danger to himself...maybe not taking his meds would be helpful....BUT....only if he is in the hands of a skilled therapist and he is wanting to do the work. He will seek to get better....but when he is ready to do it. It cannot be forced. All you can do is be patient, love him, and keep your own self safe.

Hang in there....it does get better...there are lots of obstacles now and in the future...but there is hope if you are both effectively communicating, being open and honest in all things, and committed to healing.

Lastly...recognize that we are the best actors and liars in the world. We will tell you what you want to hear to keep from facing our fears. Unconditional love is the best medicine.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

P.S. If you would like help or support from a woman's perspective let me know. My wife has become quite the expert in this field. Man I love that woman.

L2LME

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#464004 - 04/12/14 10:45 AM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Thank you learningtoluvme for your response, I do agree that many people are over medicated my husband is only on a mild anti depressant and it is the lowest does possible I am happy to say that he is taking his meds and had a 1.5 hr session with his therapist yesterday

You are so correct in saying that there really is no information and support out there for wives and family members , we are left to travel this maze on our own with no direction, thank g-d for MS

I am hoping that this week will bring some positive interactions btw my husband and I and will do everything I can to ensure this happens as I just love that man so much

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#464012 - 04/12/14 02:05 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
Well looks like my last post was a waste of time , no sooner did I post it and get home that my husband advised me that again he was going to work today after it was supost to be out day together where he didn't run out and leave me alone again, when I got upset with him the abuse ( not physical) started, he threatened to leave me alone again and then packed his bags and left I have given everything in me to try and support him but the what he has become is now becoming to much to bear, I deserve so much better than the piece of garbage he is now treating me like Sorry for venting

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#464131 - 04/15/14 07:25 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
YYZGirl,

Has your husband spoken to many of us from MS? I'd be happy to correspond with him either in private via email or in the chatroom. Speaking from my own experience, I am more than willing to help him and you through these difficult times.

Regards,
L2LME

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#464137 - 04/15/14 08:44 PM Re: Trusting Him Again [Re: YYZGIRL]
YYZGIRL Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Canada/USA
L2LME,

My husband has joined was was reading threads on here but is now saying that he is going to delete his profile and is done with everything. Thank you very much for your offer of support, I will pass it along to him but right now I am not sure if he will accept it. He is so angry at everything and has such rage that I'm not sure how much help he will accept. I am nearing the end of my rope of being his dumping ground, no matter how or what I do his is hell bent on his own self distruction

Thank you again for your kind offer of support

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