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#463847 - 04/08/14 11:14 AM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 245
Loc: Germany
KMCINVA- wow!! I read your post yesterday, and it felt like I was reading an excerpt from a motivational, inspiring book!! That is absolutely so beautiful and I am glad you shared that with us! I feel humbled! I have been thinking about what you wrote a lot these past 24 hours and I still don't know what to say. Just that it really moved me and I am happy for you and your wife to have shared that experience. I was also able to vividly imagine the experiences in Europe you described. Isn't life beautiful? We are ABSOLUTELY more than our abuse- and we should never forget that!!

And thank you Husky!! HUGS It is only 4 pages, but was much longer before! I am passing around to my close friends and my therapist to read over before I send it in to the support centre where I go to which is collecting stories of peoples' experiences with trauma to get them published.
BTW you mentioned that you struggled with gambling- are there support services for that where you are? I noticed that the subways and buses I ride everyday are running an ad campaign for last few months for support services for gambling addictions. It's everywhere!!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#463848 - 04/08/14 11:52 AM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1552
Jaybro

Thank you for the kind words. I feel inspired by many around me,included those here at MS. It takes feeling good about yourself, being appreciated and encouraged to heal. I feel safe these days, I no longer fear words or actions of others, I have removed myself from having to face. Triggers are less and less these days, I can prepare myself and have learned how to cope differently.

I have learned on this healing journey that people are people and I like to believe most are loving, kind and compassionate--because I have met so many as I healed. There will always be people that bring harm to others, reflect their own pain and issues on to others to hide from their own truths. But for me I have learned to walk away or hold at bay those that continue to hurt. I know I have hurt others and I am sorry for all hurt I may have inflicted, others can never say they were wrong or sorry.

I have been sharing with a special friend my past and she has given support. She has been instrumental in my healing. She listens and is non judgmental, she understands trauma and has lived a life where she has witnessed more than most. My wife, now former wife are no longer. The trials and tribulations of CSA, PTSD and other issues created a divide too great to mend. Despite what I have lived, today I am feeling whole and wish everyone a good life. I have learned to judge others is not my role, because I do not know the pain and scars they carry within. I have also learned asking for help and recognizing your past and issues is a sign of strength and not weakness. It is easier to hide and deny until the day comes when the past takes control.

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#463852 - 04/08/14 01:13 PM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 245
Loc: Germany
Fantastic news!!! I think I know very much of what you are talking about, and it is like I am reading a page from my own "book" wink
So happy for you, my friend!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#464932 - 05/04/14 12:17 PM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Sorry but I just felt the need to update and vent tonight. Still working on this thing everyday. My outline has grown to about 50+ chapters and sometimes I feel like it's going to grow into something like the Count of Monte Cristo or War and Peace. Tonight's been rough. I've been going through journals from late-2010 to mid-2011, and for better or worse, I had recorded pretty much everyday in staggering detail (dialogues, or rather monologues and being spoken at, and daily events) during that time period, and the things my mom said to me day after day, tirelessly, mercilessly, cruelly and relentlessly...it's really doing my head in and I'm wondering how the hell I came out in one piece, alive...I mean just reading entry after entry of sheer poison. And then she would say things like how much she loved me and kiss me and hug me and stroke my arms and shit and tell me how cute and beautiful I am and I'd let her do all that and ugh, just fucking kill me. And if I showed any signs of anger I'd get called an ungrateful hysterical prick. How am I having a harder time reading all this than living through it??? And all this was before I joined MS. I shudder to think how I would've turned out if I didn't have music to keep me sane those days. It's amazing how just toxic to the bone someone can be. I bet if you cut her up and let some of her blood drip onto steel, it would go right through, dissolving it in the process like some powerful acid. No wonder I spent so many years running away from memories. I just hope all of this amounts to something eventually, that it's something good I'm doing, and not just another form of escaping the present and self-destructing. In a few minutes I'll be unlocking my door and interacting with my parents, doing the best I can to pretend everything's alright, like I've been doing for 26 years. I hope I don't crack before I can get myself in a situation where I can start to learn how to make my way in this world on my own.
_________________________
Husky

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#464945 - 05/04/14 04:10 PM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 690
Loc: Southeast USA
Husky,

Because I've revisited old journals of my own, I won't mince words here. Tread very carefully with the past. Treat it like an inoculation. Take just enough of the pathogen to build up a resistance, but not so much that it makes you ill.

That said, it isn't an approach for everyone since you are dealing with the past which is immutable and a source of continued pain and frustration if you are not careful. It's a fine line to walk. I've found re-reading journals to be very helpful, but only when balanced with an appreciation of what DID go well, and the untapped potential of the future---whether it is two hours, two weeks, or twenty years forward.

Be careful. Be kind to yourself. Be well.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#464951 - 05/04/14 07:01 PM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
PhoenixRising Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 33
Loc: Richmond, Indiana
Husky

Have just read this part of the thread, but it struck a chord because I am also writing two separate pieces, a play and a book, and finding that as I write, many difficult feelings come up that I might have thought were gone. My writings tend to also be revelatory, and they unearth much that is unresolved.
I echo what Suwanee says, in that when I move too quickly, I get overwhelmed. I think I could liken it sometimes to when you redress a wound, you know take the gauze off, and underneath the wound has not healed yet. It is slow, and can be painful, but if one is to keep the dressing clean, it must be done. Eventually the wound can be open to air.
My thoughts would be too find allies this time as you enter this material, that you indeed are not alone, and be gentle. Be loving. It is the vulnerable the child that enters, I believe.

Steve

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#464953 - 05/04/14 09:24 PM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 318
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
I'm wondering how the hell I came out in one piece, alive...


This is probably a good starting place for a memoir or reflection. Knowing what has kept us ticking is authentic, real and probably indicative of deeper resources that are struggling to be heard and expressed.

Hope you can continue to find help for that which is healthy within.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#465021 - 05/06/14 02:17 PM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 929
Loc: southern California
Husky,
Reading your thoughts here I'd say you are not "troubled and damaged" as you say, but healed with war wounds (scars).

Think about it. Every motion picture warrior has been depicted with at least one trademark scar. From Hercules and Conan the Warrior to Stallone's Rocky. Even the G.I. Joe action figure was introduced with a war scar on his cheek. It makes you interesting. It is the mark of one who survived an intensely threatening situation.

Please keep us posted on the novel; you have a battalion of survivors here cheering you on.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#465044 - 05/07/14 07:40 AM Re: A Writing Project, Journals & Introspection [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
smile Thanks guys. It was a rough few days and your replies helped me back onto my feet again.

I'm still pushing on, but more carefully now. I think when I posted earlier, I was getting engulfed in the blackness of the past, and I started losing sight of the present and future. Bit of a meltdown. It's a delicate balance for sure. On a more positive note though, it seems like my mind is slowly reorganizing itself, and I'm beginning to see patterns in past events. They're starting to fall under a set of overarching themes, and that has helped me make sense of a past that used to seem chaotic and disjointed. Maybe my degree in history is finally coming in handy. smile Never thought it would in this way though.

Thanks again guys. Really appreciate it and will keep you posted.
_________________________
Husky

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