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#463827 - 04/07/14 09:44 PM My Favorite Male Porn Site
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 44
Loc: New York State
I am addicted to male pornography. I am currently 5 month sober or in other words I haven't looked at male pornography for 5 months. Before that through a combination of serious commitment and the grace of God, I was sober for a whole year.

To help me maintain my sexual sobriety I decided to think about my favorite male porn site.

When I would overcome my resistance to looking at pornography, I would not go directly to my favorite site. I started by looking at men with their shirts off. My inner devils would tell me that I shouldn't feel like there is anything wrong with looking a men with their shirts off. These self-justifications would lead to sifting through pages and pages of shirtless men. Sometimes I was able to step away and stop before I took another step into the world of men's bodies as sexual objects.

Even if I was able to step away, the images lingered in my mind and in a day or two I was back with a stronger sense of purpose. The images worked on me and I wanted more. At some point I would go through page after page of men in Speedos. Initially I would respect the warnings of adult content and not go there. But my heart was not in the right place and I eventually broke down and went for the more sexually charged images. I was unable to face myself and admit that I was not being the man I wanted to be. I bound and gaged my conscience and ignored my sense of shame and guilt and moved on.

I was repulsed by websites that depicted men abandoned to their sexual desires and acting them out graphically. This seemed gross. I wanted to believe that there was some good that could come out of viewing sexually charged images of naked men. In the process of pursing my misguided hope of some good coming from my adventures in male porn, I had to put up with what I thought were disgusting images that kept popping up.

I wanted a sanitized pornography. I wanted pornography in which men were clean cut, fit, well groomed and masculine looking. I wanted the illusion of acceptability and legitimacy. I keep coming back to the same site. It is not like I went directly to it time after time. But time after time I would come back to it after wandering around looking at a lot of other sites.

When I finally tuned into the site, I flipped through page after page. It fulfilled all the requirements of a site I wanted. The men were clean cut, fit, well groomed and masculine looking. They men in the images were not even necessarily gay which added to the sense of legitimacy. I never found the good I had hoped for. Sexual release yes, but it left me feeling ashamed and dirty.

The good I was hoping for was a connection to my body that was congruent with my own sense of conscience. My experience with sexual abuse contributed to my inclination to disassociate. My normal was to be disconnected from my body because if I connected to my body I would have to deal with my own sense of guilt and shame. I would have to deal with my sense that I was damaged goods and that there was something wrong with me. I couldn't face that.

Looking at pornography only aggravated my sense of disconnection to myself. No matter how sanitized the pornography, the reality was that I was making a conscious decision to be manipulated by the creators of the site. They created images of young men that would appeal to someone my interests. They recruited young men to serve as objects of sexual desire. They tempted me in every way they could to pay them to view these men engaged in erotic behavior. The real truth is that the owners of the websites are pimps, the men in the images are whores, and I was a John. Whether I paid per view or I just went window shopping I was buying sex. In another way of looking at is that owners of the website are perps, the men in the images are complicit to abuse and I was recreating my own abuse experiences.

I got to the point that I said no more and found a sex addiction counselor. That was almost four years ago. I am still on the journey, but I am no longer buying the sex that is for sale on the Internet. I am not longer recreating my own abuse experiences. That is not the man I want to be.

I am finding the good that I was seeking. Through therapy and developing positive relationship with other men, I disassociate much less than I used to. The real change is that I am able to connect to my mind and body, feel my feelings and have a sense of well being. I have much more of a sense of connection to my self in a way that is congruent with my sense of conscience.

Have you had some success in dealing with pornography?
_________________________
Jed777

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#463832 - 04/08/14 12:20 AM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: Jed777]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 369
Loc: Ohio
Jed, Glad you are having some success in your struggles with pornography. Believe you'll find threads on this topic using the MS search function.

Did want to put something out there if I may. I have had success in sex addiction recovery. But, I found it didn't help me to dehumanize the others' roles in such exchanges. While most of my struggles hinged around everyday kinds of promiscuity with anonymous acting out among gay/bi men, there were a couple low points in my journey - 1) a brief stint over a few weeks as an erotic dancer (where I kept to the rules and didn't break into prostitution but likely only because I remained sober at the time). Why I mention this first is it was easy among those working at the club to blame the owners or the patrons for the degradation if feeling shame at the time. But, whether an owner of a club (or site), a patron (after all, patrons are the ones getting off by spending the money, right?), or the erotic dancer (model or other performer), it is likely everyone involved is in some manner behaving out of some soul sickness in a collectively degrading experience for all involved - no one worse or better than another regarding participation. At least that's how I see it.

Also, had other experiences working in a bathhouse kind of place (just desk and cleanup, not paid entertainment for that) and then just various types of what could be called "slut" experiences, though that label isn't helpful for anything either. There were definitely times where I was recreating my own abuse experience from that angle of the exchange as well. Further, some early experiences where the simple acting of buying me drinks was a shoo-in for sex that night was probably just as close to active prostitution without crossing that line as anything else.

But, for those that have crossed the line into prostituting themselves or performing in pornography, so what? Again, the exchanges involved are a collective degradation (whether one views those as mild as I do, or sees them as severe). The way I see it, everyone involved is likely sick in some fashion, and if trying to extract themselves from various forms of sexually acting out currently, they are just trying to get well now.

Anyway, my original point was, it helped me get realistic about my part in things and get better success at extracting myself from my addictive behaviors when I didn't dehumanize or make monsters out of those others involved on other sides of the exchange. I found doing that had held me back in the past and kept me stuck. By releasing that mindset of blaming others, I was eventually able to be much more accountable with my own behaviors to my ethics in an ongoing consistent matter when it came to the nuances of sexuality.

Hope you have continued success on your journey.

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#463833 - 04/08/14 01:42 AM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: Jed777]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 818
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I do my best to send everyone love and good will, and to learn discernment so I am able to make choices which support love and good will in my life. My feeling is that demonizing myself or anyone or anything else contributes to sending negative energy into the world and diminishes myself and others. Not what I want to do.

Am I great at doing this yet. Not really. But choosing love as the guiding principal in my life is my intention. I do still have a LOT of damage to heal, and a lot of negativism and fear to negotiate.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463846 - 04/08/14 11:09 AM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: Jed777]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1485
Hi, Jed - just a couple of comments...

Quote:
The real truth is that the owners of the websites are pimps, the men in the images are whores, and I was a John.

I believe that statement is fundamentally inaccurate. It may be your truth to get you through this, and in that sense maybe it's fine. But the real truth is that those "whores" are very often abuse victims. Sex trafficking is rampant in the porn industry. Porn models and prostitutes are often victimized by the porn industry, the "johns" and the justice system, and often have no real options for true help once they are hooked in. As male sex abuse victims, many of us are sensitive to the lies, jokes, half-truths and ignorance that define the landscape of response to our issues. It should not be much of a stretch to challenge our own thinking with regard to how we view those caught up in the porn industry. Some here at MS have been those "whores". Much education is needed, and it starts with us. I don't say this as criticism, and I do respect the path you are trying to build for yourself. There's a lot of good stuff you've done. And until recently, I thought as your statement read. So I'm still learning these issues myself.

Quote:
I am not longer recreating my own abuse experiences. That is not the man I want to be.

I guess everyone's "recovery" is different. I almost literally killed myself trying to be the man I wanted to be. It has been enough for me to accept the man I had to become. I admire your strength.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#463854 - 04/08/14 02:00 PM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: don64]
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 44
Loc: New York State
Don,

Thanks for including me in your journey.
_________________________
Jed777

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#463855 - 04/08/14 02:11 PM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: Chase Eric]
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 44
Loc: New York State
Erik,

Thanks for the photos you put with your name. It adds a playfulness to your posts.

Thank you for your response. There is a lot of punch in your comments. I feel the emotion. I feel the passion. Thank you for supporting me and taking me seriously enough to thoughtfully read my post.

Little by little I am able to express and discover my own truth.
_________________________
Jed777

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#463856 - 04/08/14 02:20 PM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: kcinohio]
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 44
Loc: New York State
Kcinohio,

Two things you said stand out for me, "everyone involved is in some manner behaving out of some soul sickness" and "no one worse or better than another." For me this is a very healthy point of view. I would not have come up with this on my own right away, but it is consistent with my worldview.

Like you I used to work in a bathhouse cleaning up, working the desk, taking money and running the porn videos.

Blessings and thanks.
_________________________
Jed777

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#463862 - 04/08/14 03:54 PM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: Jed777]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
One great thing about this site. Differing views are accepted!

I feel that I is dangerous moral ground to look down on any participants in porn as bad. Use whatever long word you want.

Not everyone will see it that way. I watch some pre sex porn wih my wife on occasion. I dated a chic that liked getting Polaroid pics of her blowing me taken. I'm old, Polaroid days!

If you feel dirty doing it, then think about why. Is it the act? An association from your past? Someone just told you it is bad? People used to say anal or oral was bad and worthy of being stoned. People still execute gays as criminals!

I think caution, and tolerance are in order. Sex is a strange thing. We all know that too well. We were victims of weirdos that get off on kids frown

Whatever your journey to self discovery, I wish you the courage to accept what you find.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#463896 - 04/09/14 03:52 PM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: Jed777]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1485
Originally Posted By: Jed777
Erik,

Thanks for the photos you put with your name. It adds a playfulness to your posts.

Thank you for your response. There is a lot of punch in your comments. I feel the emotion. I feel the passion. Thank you for supporting me and taking me seriously enough to thoughtfully read my post.

Little by little I am able to express and discover my own truth.

You are most welcome, Jed. I like what comes across in what you share - it seems full of conviction and earnest work. I read everything you post.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#463899 - 04/09/14 04:12 PM Re: My Favorite Male Porn Site [Re: Jed777]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3511
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jed - your original post in this thread was amazing to me. my experience was so similar that i could have written most of it. the endings of our stories is a bit different though. i went to a regular T for help with the CSA memories and their aftermath - and the p0rn habit started to take a backseat as i dealt with the root causes.

thanks to everyone else on this thread, for the thoughtful, respectful and meaningful discussion. it is truly helpful.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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