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#463789 - 04/07/14 08:31 AM Tension building again
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
And now i donīt know what to do anymore. Have my old job back which doesnīt satisfy at all and I found out that I have difficulty accepting part of me feels attracted to men. Or it could be SSA. Iím just totally confused at this moment. I somehow feel that I can accept these feelings, but I canít tell whether Iím straight, bi or gay.

And this confusing is tiring me. I try to accept these feelings and when I do I end up being fixated on dicks. So it sounds like SSA. But so many people have wondered whether I was gay in the past.. it goes around and around in my mind. Am I gay? And if so, could I accept it? That seems like the toughest question to deal with. Can I accept myself for being something I donít want to be? And that makes me doubt whether Iím gay or not. Somehow it seems like a solution to just accept that and go along with it, but deep down inside I see myself as a straight man with a bit of gay thoughts. Or bisexual at most.

I've had some encounters with women and i never thought of men during the sex. It's making me feel depressed again and i don't know what i can do about it. Been off drugs and alcohol for over a month now and i don't want to go back to that road again. It's just so f**king hard when you find out you're confused to the core.

I don't know whether i fear being gay or that i fear the feelings. How can you accept these feelings?

Thanks for your advice


Edited by OCN (04/07/14 08:31 AM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#463795 - 04/07/14 10:56 AM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1477
One of my best friends told me the toughest thing about giving up substances like alcohol and weed was that he finally had to deal face-to-face with realities that he had ignored for years. I've not been on that road, but I was very much a presence for him when he was, so maybe that qualifies me just enough to say the only thing tougher than quitting is to STAY quit. I hope you have a good AA/NA support system in place.

Like you, I left an adolescence full of sexual abuse victimization, and entered the adult world not having a clue about my sexual identity. My molester seemed to have set up this inner fight with myself. Was I SSA or gay or what? If I thought I was supposed to be straight but surrendered to my impulses to have sex with men, did that mean my molester won?

What helped me is to realize a couple of things. First, life is short. It is far less certain you can change the wiring of you desires than the far greater certainty you can waste a lifetime trying. Second, who cares? Maybe some people who otherwise could give two f*cks about you might judge you based on your preferences. Are you going to distort your whole life and live to please their sensibilities? Isn't that just another form of abuse - of letting other people pressure our identities into something palatable to them? At one point I decided it was time stop asking what other people wanted and ask myself what I wanted. I had my own life to live. Gay? Straight? I'm sure if others don't approve of me, they'll move on and be just fine, thank you.

The happiest people in the world are those who are at peace with who they are, not fighting the impossible battle to become who they think others expect them to be. When I was trying to be straight, I was nobody. I was a hollow identity, a false pretense, trying to live away from my heart to please others. When I finally accepted myself, embraced myself - I found myself. That may not be your story, but that was my ticket through the thicket of confusion you are describing.
_________________________
Eirik




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#463799 - 04/07/14 12:05 PM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi OCN,

I had to bottom out on alcohol before I began to really figure out what is right for me. I nearly killed myself with alcohol by the time I was 44. I'm now 64, and my experience has been that as long as I numbed down with drugs and alcohol, I seriously compromised my ability to learn how to care for myself. I mastered the art of self-sabotage. I hope you don't need to spend a lot of time sabotaging yourself. There is an old AA saying about when one quits drinking, "The good news is your feelings return. The bad news is your feelings return." I found AA to be a powerful resource for quitting drinking. It is an open spirituality based resource, and talks of 'higher power', but then goes on to say that the group can be your higher power. So no religious pressures.

Addictions can keep one trapped in abuse for decades. It did for me. I hope you don't need to remain trapped as long as I did. It was really difficult to figure out my life as long as my thinking was so compromised with mind and mood altering substances. When I was able to stay off alcohol, things began to fall into place. I have a lot of material to transform because of my abuse, but I have been consistently making positive changes for 20 years now.

Sending you love and good will,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463804 - 04/07/14 01:27 PM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
This site has been good for me to share things I did not want to feel, not to own.

The SSA and alcohol led me down predictable paths. I thought my abuser was cool. I was 7. I idolized him, 15.

My early formative experiences were gay. It was fun. I made him ejaculate like would someday.

How does that not change you? I had a few more experiences later on.

In time I experienced women. I liked them.

I stayed in addiction drama and destruction and destroyed all relationships.

I honestly feared being gay! Dreaded it. Blamed it on addictions. But I never was honest on some attraction.

I think I could honestly accept myself now if i chose that. It is no curse. Just what u like.

So I guess the issue always was, do I accept me? If others don't, can I live with that.

I survived neglect and abuse, being some pedophile's slut, addictions...

If they don't like me, fuck 'em.... I survived enough without sweating some assholes approval.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#463807 - 04/07/14 01:53 PM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Hey guys

thank you so much for your replies! Read some pages in the topic of Eric and the thing which strikes a cord (with what Eric and OtF are saying) reminds me of something i knew all along: the most important thing is to love myself and be true to that.

Concerning alcohol and drugs.. i know i dont want to go down that road again. There is no feeling of need this time to take any though, only way back in the back of my mind. Wont give in to it though. As for AA, i'm with a buddhist study group which gives me support in another way. It's very open and people are honest concerning what they feel. Havent brought up the abuse yet, but in time i think i will. So i'm not too afraid i'll fall back again into my addictions. Just have to learn to be more relaxed in admiting its ok not to use any..

I found out i was pushing myself into a label i could not possibly fit in to: 100% straight. I realize that i create tension by this, i can fysically feel it (somehow it focuses in my head). So i'll try to work my way around the question whether i'm gay and try to find out what i really want. And i know that i search for someone who is honest and open and loving. At first i'll have to learn to become that person for myself.

Tomorrow i'll have an appointment with the doctor, do you guys have any tips on which therapy would fit the best with getting in terms with your sexual feelings (and ofcourse also the suppressed part)? I don't want to do more cognitive therapy at this point since i feel that it helps me more if i focus on my body and feelings this time. Enough with the head allready

Once again, thank you!
Peter


Edited by OCN (08/22/14 06:01 PM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#463814 - 04/07/14 04:05 PM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 815
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Pieter,

I'm really glad you have all the supports you do. The buddhist support group sounds wonderful. Good luck finding a therapist that feels right for you.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463830 - 04/07/14 11:19 PM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
Hi Pieter,

I hated the fact that I was gay, tried to pray the gay away and thought it would doom me to a life of misery. I think if the idea of SSA was around in those days I would have have been glad to hide the truth from myself for much longer. I did accept myself in the face of a society where gay sex was still illegal. I don't want to minimise what you are going through but from my perspective there is really nothing to be afraid of, discovering, accepting and loving our authentic selves is really what healing and recovery is about. The legacy of abuse can cause exaggerated and irrational anxieties, fears and shame about lots of aspects of our lives and of course as the crimes against us were sexual the fears around sexuality and sex are common among us.

Whether we are gay/straight/bi or whatever and were abused by men, it is going to affect our sexuality, being 'fixated on dicks' or other ways we were wired by the abuse does not tell us much about whether we are gay or not, gay men can act out their abuse just as much as anyone else, the acting out is not about intimacy, love or connection it is a reenactment of what happened to us as kids, having a gay loving relationship is about something more fundamental.

I think any of the long term therapeutic approaches should be fine, if you can find one that has some expertise in male csa all the better, I think that cognitive has its place but it has more emphasis on short term work. For me the effectiveness of therapy depends more on the relationship with the therapist than the theory that informs their work. In exploring sexuality there can be agendas out there, some therapists might have a bias that confused people need to accept themselves and come out as gay, others might have another agenda about morality or whatever, I guess you need one who is willing to explore with you in a totally accepting way what is true for you. Either way you are on a journey and though the destination is not yet clear it will take you to a better place. I hope for now that you can be gentle with yourself and accept the confusion and fears without feeling pressured to come to any premature conclusions about gay/straight/bi or whatever.

Hope you can be compassionate and patient with yourself,

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#463834 - 04/08/14 02:10 AM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
OCN,

Congratulations on freedom for a month from alcohol and drugs. That's quite an achievement to celebrate and to feel good about yourself.

As you work at the job you're at, keep in mind that it is not permanent and keep your eyes and ears on the hunt for your next job. It may take some time, so keep reminding yourself that your current job is temporary...if you choose it to be.

On the part of sexual orientation or SSA....surround yourself with good, encouraging friends....the kind that are such good people and so much fun you can't help but realize the good in yourself that attracts that sort of friend. Try new ways to make new friends and meet new people, and keep growing that circle of support.

Somehow that journey always brings a person to where they really want to be. It's a journey; be patient with yourself as you challenge yourself.

It will all work out well, I promise you, if you'll surround yourself with people who truly are good company and make your home a peaceful place for yourself. If possible, involve a professional therapist who is trained and knowledgeable in male survivor issues and sexuality.

Hang in there and be encouraged; you are an important part of the MS community.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463884 - 04/09/14 06:28 AM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Keith and Rustam,

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful replies! Really helps to see what i can do for myself at this time.

Made an appointment with a therapist for an intake tomorrow, and i asked for a female therapist who lead some sessions of group therapy i attended. Hopefully my feeling is right

Originally Posted By: "rustam"
Either way you are on a journey and though the destination is not yet clear it will take you to a better place.

Yep.. thats what i realize and what i have to learn to accept.

And it resonates with what Keith is saying:
Originally Posted By: "WriterKeith"

Somehow that journey always brings a person to where they really want to be. It's a journey; be patient with yourself as you challenge yourself.


thnx for the encouragement! Really means a lot!
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#463924 - 04/10/14 03:11 AM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
OCN, when you feel comfortable, let us know how you're doing. Keep in mind, this is a forum where ANYONE from the public can view your posts, but do let us know if there is something on your mind that maybe we can help reassure you on, or encourage you in, or provide insights from our journeys. We all learn from each other. Just knowing you're not nuts, you're not alone, and it isn't your fault is priceless, I can assure you. ;-)
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#463960 - 04/11/14 08:41 AM Re: Tension building again [Re: WriterKeith]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
OCN, when you feel comfortable, let us know how you're doing. Keep in mind, this is a forum where ANYONE from the public can view your posts, but do let us know if there is something on your mind that maybe we can help reassure you on, or encourage you in, or provide insights from our journeys. We all learn from each other. Just knowing you're not nuts, you're not alone, and it isn't your fault is priceless, I can assure you. ;-)

Jeah i know everyone can read. Sometimes makes it feel hard to be open, but i know i no longer want to hide ;-)

I think the topic by Andy on this same subject resonates with me. When looking back, i never really felt attracted to men. Its more that i hide everything which could be linked to any of that. And because of that, it gets intensified. I'm trying so hard to prove myself i'm not gay, that i never considered the posibilty of just letting things go and accept whatever will happen. In the end i know there is no real control over life anyway.

As for an update, went to the therapist for an intake but didnt really have a good feeling about the talk. It was mainly about money and it somehow felt like the guy decided i am gay and should just learn to accept that. Ofcourse i can not be sure if it really was what he was thinking, but i didnt felt taken serious. And for the therapy there were limited options, which means either only a couple of sessions or paying it all by myself. So i'm not sure as to whether i should continue with this group of therapists. I know one therapist within their group which i actually had a good feeling about, but this talk about money and my doubts about the intake makes me doubt this program a bit.
And its pretty tough not to be mad at my parents for wanting thing to be over now. They don't seem to realize how the path of healing works (neither do i for that matter lol) and that it consists of ups and downs. Have to be careful not to keep everything to myself, cause i am quite happy that i can now finally be totally open with my parents.

time will tell, filled in a questionnaire, so perhaps it helps to put some urgency on the matter. Cause this time i don't want to be played around, i finally realize i should have a say in all of this. Last time it felt like i was pushed into a rollercoaster. Reading about EMDR and the build-up to it, made me realize that EMDR in the 4th session with a therapist you hardly know might be a little too soon.

And another thing is that i experienced a deadly train accident this week. Sitting in the train when someone crashed with his bicycle, instantly dead. So somehow this got me shifting from my own problems towards this. It always remains a struggle. I want to pay attention to my own problems, but at the same time i don't want to be self-centered. And this sometimes confuses..

have a good weekend all!


Edited by OCN (04/11/14 08:43 AM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#465247 - 05/12/14 04:47 AM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
OCN,

I have a hunch you're going to be just fine. You're employing your intuition, analytical skills, sensitivity, mindfulness, caution and bravery in your steps. You're a good role model for others coming down the path behind you.

The train and bicycle incident does sound very disturbing. It's a mixture of intense feelings and thoughts to witness the death of another human, that's for certain. You're a very compassionate person.

Thanks for keeping us posted. I came back looking for this thread to see how you are doing. I hope you'll keep in touch with your journey. You never know who your words are helping.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#465310 - 05/13/14 10:22 PM Re: Tension building again [Re: OCN]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
I dream of a world where we are not defined by a society generated label. I'm not black or white. I'm not Christian or atheist. I'm not gay or straight. I'm not rich or poor. There is only one label I will gladly accept..."Me". Embrace that....and you have the secret to happiness. It isn't about how the world views me. It is about how I view and accept myself. Who cares what the labelers think.

The sooner you embrace yourself and who you are, the quicker you find happiness and the quicker you learn to heal.

I have a strong dismissive attitude with shallow minded label freaks. I ignore them and deliberately play with their labels just to make a point. The only person who judges me is me. Everyone either accepts me as I am, or they can move on. Life is too short. Love yourself. Be happy. Be safe. Be you.

Love yourself first.

Happy Healing,

L2LM

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