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#463591 - 04/03/14 01:11 AM Not enough?
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 320
Loc: Ohio
Struggling with the "not enough" thing a bit. My being that, not about what I have. I know that it is an illusion, but haven't shook myself out of the mindset, truth be told.

Anyway, just telling a bit on myself. My gut reaction to feeling "not enough" is to just do more, and I need to give myself enough rest to have a chance at being effective for what I can reasonably show up for.

Goes against the grain to not take "the one step further," but I know burning myself out causes ten times the down time compared to healthy rest.


Edited by kcinohio (04/03/14 01:11 AM)

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#463597 - 04/03/14 05:37 AM Re: Not enough? [Re: kcinohio]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Not enough as a successful man?

Not enough as the person you want to be?

Not enough as a sexual being?

I kinda can't follow you very well. But it is early and I have not had much coffee yet smile
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#463605 - 04/03/14 10:45 AM Re: Not enough? [Re: kcinohio]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 320
Loc: Ohio
Hey Onthefringe,

Yes, it was late so I probably was a bit too cryptic with the post.

Think the general driver there is "not enough as a worthwhile human being," or "human doing" as the feeling tends to manifest. I know that it doesn't come from a healthy place, but I'm doing so much better from CSA recovery than I used to that some of the subtler sick-thinking stances are challenging to recognize for what they are, let alone shake off.

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#463611 - 04/03/14 01:02 PM Re: Not enough? [Re: kcinohio]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Kcinohio,

What you're saying, in my frame of reference, always has to do with me living a version of myself that is not authentically me. And, guess what? That was all I ever knew. My ability to see ME and choose ME was destroyed in childhood, and I made choices throughout my life based of what I THOUGHT was the right thing to do. The only problem with what I thought the right thing to do was that my thinking was seriously damaged. My identity was completely other oriented rather than connected to how I actually feel. I'm only learning about who I authentically am now in my 60's. But, if my choices are making me sick in any way, that is a signal to me that I'm not living me.

Stepping out of the herd and developing a discrete sense of SELF is not something supported in modern culture, in my opinion. We live in a world of conscious and powerful manipulation. So, I would suggest you may already know the answer to your questions. It just may be that the answers for you do not agree with the party line.

Sorry you are having to go through discomfort.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463620 - 04/03/14 03:01 PM Re: Not enough? [Re: kcinohio]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: kcinohio
Hey Onthefringe,

Yes, it was late so I probably was a bit too cryptic with the post.

Think the general driver there is "not enough as a worthwhile human being," or "human doing" as the feeling tends to manifest. I know that it doesn't come from a healthy place, but I'm doing so much better from CSA recovery than I used to that some of the subtler sick-thinking stances are challenging to recognize for what they are, let alone shake off.


We share that feeling.

Sometimes I have some old bad thinking I place. Sometimes it is unsure. Do you ever just have feelings but don't trust them? Or wonder where they come from?

I have been looking and remembering my SSA times and actions. Not sure how I feel. Not so sure I want to call it bad. It makes me feel like I am bad. Maybe it was just finding my way?

I hope you feel good enough. Not as in feeling good, but deserving of good, worthy of good.

We have suffered enough. You are a survivor. That is worth some good feelings on yourself.

Take care my friend.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#463637 - 04/04/14 12:03 AM Re: Not enough? [Re: kcinohio]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 320
Loc: Ohio
Thanks Don and Onthefinge,

Don, I like how you mentioned "authentically." For me, that reminds me that feelings are often multi-layered and sometimes I need to sit through one and wait for the next to come around rather than doing something in response to the first. Regarding other-directed you mentioned, I can relate, though I find I have to look for the moderate mid-road between other-directed and guarded isolated I can pendulum swing between, especially when feeling a tad off about something.

Onthefringe, can definitely find the mix of feelings hard to trust at times. Don't want to overstate though, things are much better these days, so I can work on some of these subtler things. Appreciate your help with the topic.

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#463650 - 04/04/14 11:09 AM Re: Not enough? [Re: kcinohio]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Kcinohio,

I have yet to be able to moderate between other-directed and guarded isolated with people outside my front door. However, I have grown enormously since participating here on MS, and am observing my negative and paranoid thinking begin to clear up. I am observing myself interpreting events in much different ways than even a month or two ago, and with this difference experiencing good and healthy choices available to me and taking them. This is a major change for me always expecting a negative outcome and generally precipitating it.

As I am able to access the feeling level of infant and early childhood abuse, it seems I am healing from the ground up, as I would have developed if I had been in a healthy family situation from birth. It doesn't bother me one bit that I am doing this for the first time at age 64. I am so grateful that it is happening.

Love and good will to you,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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