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#463561 - 04/02/14 10:53 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: On The Fringe]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1234
Loc: New York
Hey OTF

Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
....For same sex attraction? I was groomed and idolized my abuser. I liked it. He did me. I liked that too. I escaped drunken abusive parents to him. Not getting hit and screamed at, and feeling perversely wanted was good. Yes. I had that attraction for a while....
My feelings exactly except for the last piece. After 40+ years I still love him. Even after all that he had others do to me I still love him. I can only describe him as 2 distinct people, the one I loved and the one I loved but...... I can't seem to bring those two people together.

My parents weren't drunks but maybe if they were I wouldn't have had to wait till age 12 to leave.

Like you I suffer from shame but my shame brought on by guilt. One of being in love with the man who loved me and second is the guilt from doing to others what I should never have done, even though I didn't have a choice.

I have wanted for a long time to tell my story but the most I can say is that I was abused, I cannot say more than that. Without me telling my story I am still in hiding like I've been for the last 40+ years, I am not free of my past and I'm afraid I never will be. Again being gay and being married to a woman for 37 years is shame brought on by guilt. I could never tell my wife that I'm gay. She is the one that stood by me these past 3 years since I fell apart from my past. Again I'm hiding and again I'm not free. With all this hiding and freedomless life I think that the only time I will get any peace is when I move on.

It is a horrible feeling being cornered without a way to escape one's past. I do own what my past was all about, the problem is that I'm not free from it, and it seems I never will be until my time comes.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#463575 - 04/02/14 08:05 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: lapchinj]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
Hey OTF

Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
....For same sex attraction? I was groomed and idolized my abuser. I liked it. He did me. I liked that too. I escaped drunken abusive parents to him. Not getting hit and screamed at, and feeling perversely wanted was good. Yes. I had that attraction for a while....
My feelings exactly except for the last piece. After 40+ years I still love him. Even after all that he had others do to me I still love him. I can only describe him as 2 distinct people, the one I loved and the one I loved but...... I can't seem to bring those two people together.

My parents weren't drunks but maybe if they were I wouldn't have had to wait till age 12 to leave.

Like you I suffer from shame but my shame brought on by guilt. One of being in love with the man who loved me and second is the guilt from doing to others what I should never have done, even though I didn't have a choice.

I have wanted for a long time to tell my story but the most I can say is that I was abused, I cannot say more than that. Without me telling my story I am still in hiding like I've been for the last 40+ years, I am not free of my past and I'm afraid I never will be. Again being gay and being married to a woman for 37 years is shame brought on by guilt. I could never tell my wife that I'm gay. She is the one that stood by me these past 3 years since I fell apart from my past. Again I'm hiding and again I'm not free. With all this hiding and freedomless life I think that the only time I will get any peace is when I move on.

It is a horrible feeling being cornered without a way to escape one's past. I do own what my past was all about, the problem is that I'm not free from it, and it seems I never will be until my time comes.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff


We moved and I never saw him again. I had probably 5 or so male partners after him. Young slut.

It was my way back then. I'm not sure if this makes any sense at all, I was the hamster in the wheel. I did what I knew. I felt something. I can't say exactly what, maybe belonging, like I was doing something right? I don't know. For sure it was ingrained in my mind. Frozen memories others talk of. I remember the first one like a picture. Weird. I have no animosity for gays now. I am a friend to outcasts in general. I know how it feels.

This side of my youth and CSA fallout I have not dealt with much. This is a great deal of first time sharing on all of this. I just felt kinda lost. I can't even begin to understand it all. I really don't even care. It is water under a bridge I long ago crossed.

There was a time when a switch flipped. I was getting attention from women and was curious. It was a second wave of fear, not knowing what to do with them. I was seriously attracted to strippers and slutty women.

So many goofy ways CSA hits me.

I feel for you your feelings of being trapped. It must be a subject of much prayer and meditation for you. I know from the last 30 years of being straight only that most women would flip. I hope you come to terms with it and it works out well.

I don't know if it is right to say, but it seems it would be best to consider waiting until it is least financially disastrous for you.

A guy gotta pay the rent...

This was a disjointed ramble! Ha!
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#463585 - 04/02/14 11:24 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1234
Loc: New York
Hey OTF

My marriage was not really sexual but that would take too long to explain. I don't look at her as a woman but a friend, if that makes any sense.

I was freed from my hell by a war nobody wanted and I didn't want to die in a rice paddy. I was lucky and spent my time in the states. But that was the break of the ring around the rosey for me. I haven't had any other men or women since then, I have 6 wonderful kids that are normal and unabused. I never raised a hand to them, I hardly ever yelled at them, to put it a better way my mother yelled at me I was upset with my kids from time to time. I let them follow their own hearts after age 16.

I have grandchildren also, beautiful kids also unabused. My abuse made is so that I never changed a diaper, never was home (worked 14-16 hour days), never did homework with the kids and never held them. This is what my life is and was. I feel like I'm in solitary confinement. My kids come over with their kids and I go downstairs to the basement and the safety of my dungeon. This is why I say I will never escape my past.

On top of all this I'm gay and I miss my friends that I grew up with. Yes they were also prostitutes but they were gay and I loved them, still do.

I cut my ties with the world I knew so well and started a new life in a place where nobody knew me and knew nothing about me before I got out of the USAF. I was lucky but some of my friends are dead but I still love their memories.

At this stage in my life while I would love to tell my wife that I'm gay I see no point in doing that at all, I would have to be crazy crazy smile

Cheers

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#463595 - 04/03/14 05:14 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 800
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Jeff,

I am so sorry for what you are going through and what you have gone through. It feels so healthy to me for you to be expressing you feelings here. I find expressing my feelings to be an emotional release that is very healing.

Love and good will,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#463599 - 04/03/14 05:54 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Jeff,

Sounds like a tough road in some ways you are on. I'm feeling the emptiness in your words for certain areas. But you share lots of wonderful family things. There is hope and love in family.

There is a strange safety and comfort here. Another thing I say to people is that I really give two shits if someone is ay or not. And why should I ? To be friends it does not matter. It's not like we will take our relationship to that level! Ha!

((((Jeff))))

I hope you find fulfillment in your future for the rest of your life. You know, feel loved for who you are as a sensual being deep down inside. For me, nothing takes the place of that.

Tis thread had been good to show me the recurring common theme of many of us needing and seeking that. My CSA confused me a bit on my journey. The various people I had relationships with, one guy was a long term friend occasional sex partner back in my youth. I wonder how he is. We were both in train wreck families, had CSA issues, and were outcasts.

So much to think on, but I choose to take small bites of it. It can weird me out to think too long on my past, as if it matters much aside of providing perspective.

I have a question..

Why do you go downstairs to your dungeon? What is there that is so good? I am confused because it sounds like you love your family.

I'm not the best with emotional stuff so pardon my lack of understand of some basic things at times. I'm an Only child, drunken abusive parents, idolized my abuser at 7... I'm a bit off.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#463625 - 04/03/14 06:56 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1234
Loc: New York
Hey Don

Since I came to MS it's been the first time that I ever started out talking about myself. I broke down the January before and opened up to someone I knew for at least 30 years, he got me to the Oprah show of 200 Men, the resources from the show got me here. Like you said being able to tell your story and express your feelings is about the biggest thing that has happened to me. I feel so lucky to be here. I have learned a lot and that CSA really fucks people up, I thought it was just me.

But what brought me to this thread was SSA as opposed to being gay or straight. I knew there was something I loved about boys and everyone told me that when I'm old enough I will get into girls and get married and have a family That was the outlook on life of the old farts.My wife was the first girl I went out with that wasn't a paying customer and (I told papasan that I didn't want any women anymore), I met her when I was 25 and I was married within 5 weeks. So my SSA proved not to be SSA but not gay, but rather that I knew I was gay period. When I got to high school, everyone let me know it frown.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#463627 - 04/03/14 07:15 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1234
Loc: New York
Hey OTF

If it was just me alone I wouldn't give 2 shits either, but I live in a very religious, conservative and corrupt community so I have to think of the damage I can cause to my family by opening my mouth and saying what's on my mind. The only way out of my solitary is to divorce my wife and kids ( which I will never do) or die which I will do one day.

I'm also an only child but my parents were society people. I was only a ornament on their fireplace mantle. I was to be seen but not heard. Talking to my father was like talking to a doorknob, he just read his books and never got involved when my mother was beating the shit out me with his belt. I was basically out of the house at 12-1/2. As I've mentioned i also loved and still love papasan. My thoughts of him are not as an abuser but another part of him sold me to some very horrible animals for a year. That one year fucked me up more than the other 9 years of abuse and prostitution. Soooooooo, I'm also a tad off crazy grin.

As for your question, my dungeon in my basement is the safest place in the house for me and always was, it is also the safest place in the world for me. I'm married 37 years (???) and I bought the house when 2 years after I got married. So I've been down here it seems for ever. This dungeon keeps the kids out so I won't freak out if one of them jumps on me. I get into panic attacks just thinking of going upstairs with little kids around. I will die here in this room one day, I will then have my peace. Until then I'll take it like you bite by small bite.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#463640 - 04/04/14 05:38 AM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I used to thing I was uniquely fucked up. I feel like the rest of you! Ha Ha!

This site is good for me. I site this in the morning and I chuckle to myself, finding belonging and comfort in not being alone.

CSA has a way of isolating.

Thank you
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#463657 - 04/04/14 01:49 PM Re: SSA and Sexual Orientation [Re: Dave PNW]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1234
Loc: New York
Hey OTH

I think that we're all sorry to see someone have to come here to MS, but I look at it as a brotherhood where we all share one thing in common and that's CSA. It doesn't matter what the form or the length of the CSA, one time is enough to fuck up someone for life. I found here at MS a bunch of shoulders I could lay my head on and tell my story and not have someone tell me "but it happened so long ago, forget it" or "just suck it up". We all know to some extent what the other person is going through and that's a big thing in our guest to heal. It really makes me feel good and I'm sure that it makes others feel good that they can help a brother. The saying "what goes around comes around" is very appropriate in that by helping others we help ourselves.

I hate thanking someone for being here but since your life has been altered by CSA I'm glad you decided to come to MS. You are another person that can help others and me

Thank you

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#463700 - 04/05/14 12:09 PM cia [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Post moved because it is more appropriate to place it with other material I've reported.


Edited by pufferfish (05/19/14 12:51 AM)

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