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#463183 - 03/26/14 01:47 AM i dont want to be drug down
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
I've been trying so hard. And I've made some progress but I feel like it isn't enough. I feel like I. Don't even want to be around H anymore. I love him but I don't like him. He is dishonest and so self centered. He has this spoiled brat attitude and is always the victim. Nothing I do is ever good enough in his eyes and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of the small talk that takes place while I'm supposed to ignore the elephant in the room. When I bring it up he tries to tell me that I'm just as crazy as he is. Its his way of trying to avoid the issue and not have to talk about anything.
I've tried to just live my life and not get rattled by his crap but its hard and sometimes I feel like it would be wrong to just keep my mouth shut. I wish he would just go away and leave me alone sometimes. Our marraige is so shallow because he has always held me at arms length. But I'm supposed to pretend like this is normal. I have filled my life with things that are mine and that helps but I still hate going home at the end of the day. I finally told him I want some space and that he needs to leave me alone.
its hard to respect someone who has a great life and a wife that loves them but chooses to shove everything away and complain how much their life sucks. We have more then most couples our age we could easily have a great marriage but he just wants to have a pity party and feel sorry for himself. Boo hoo I don't feel sorry for him anymore.
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to stay married to someone who is such a turd and not let it affect me. I want to just not care and enjoy my life. I have so many great things to be thankful for and I am thankful but then I have to be around mr dark cloud when I'm at home. Honestly I wish I had a real husband who cared about my feelings and felt safe with me. Someone who wanted to go on dates and go camping etc. Someone who would let me be their best friend.
I'm a damn good wife I give him a nice clean home and hot meals but he doesn't see it that way. he doesn't see anything really.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#463362 - 03/29/14 09:39 AM Re: i dont want to be drug down [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
HD - Why do you stay married? It's an honest question. My thing is that I have needs and if you are working to meet them, then I stay. You can't possibly stay when you "love" someone yet they meet NONE of your needs. So I think he might be meeting some otherwise you would leave.

I think there was a period in my marriage when my husband wasn't meeting a single need of mine, yet I stayed because I was afraid and confused. And I needed time to process that, but I think you have processed that and you don't seem to be afraid. So is he meeting your needs? In some way?

Pretending is an impossible way to live long term. If he has always held you at arms length and you want something different than arms length, then you can have it. Especially if you have done the personal reflection to understand how and why you entered into a relationship that always had so many limitations.

Using guilt to try to change him won't work, he lives in his world of shame. The only thing you can change is YOU and your experience.

I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you both have had some therapy together and I know from other posts you have worked hard to build your own space.

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#463549 - 04/01/14 08:44 PM Re: i dont want to be drug down [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 362
HD001 - I hear you. I can identify with all that. I recently made some small changes that are for me and that motivation came from exactly what you are talking about.

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#463565 - 04/02/14 12:15 PM Re: i dont want to be drug down [Re: HD001]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I read a quote in a book a long time ago about how some people are born drowning, and sometimes, you need to pluck their hands off your ankles as they go down because they will take you down with them. Until a few years ago, I thought that sentiment was unspeakably cruel, but now, I think it help save my sanity.

When my H goes down the rabbit hole, he can be an unbelievable prick, but by learning how to detach, I let it ride its course and correct him when he crosses a line. Nine times out of ten now, he steps back, realizes what is going on, and apologizes. I spent a lot of time trying to escape the vortex of his negativity but now I simply do not let him suck me into it in the first place.

It doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated, wished my H's brain functioned differently, want more than I receive... I'm not sure what needs of mine he meets, that's certainly some thinking I need to do.

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