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#463490 - 03/31/14 03:54 PM a Letter to my perpatrator
timetorecover Offline


Registered: 12/11/13
Posts: 12
Loc: Mi
Dear Gordie,

I used to wish you were dead and now the Internet told me you are.I thought about if you were dead sometimes and wanted to hurt you and wished your painful death. Recently I felt some desire to see you face to face and see what I used to know. I imagined that your life became worse and worse as you got older. How could you have had any life? You would surely be tossing in hell every night that you slept. You were a charade and a lie and I was one who knew it.

I have thought about you so many times during my life. I have talked about you in therapy for years. You used to be a secret that I tucked away for 16 years before I told anyone.

Back when we met, and when I was little you were kind to me. Perhaps you liked me because I was a cute and fun and smart kid but it’s obvious that you were obsessed with sex and that you were a pedophile and that what you mostly wanted was to molest me and cum all over my leg. How many times did that happen? 200 times over the course of 4 years? 300?

I have come to kind of understand where you were coming from when you befriended me. You had a lonely heart and drinking and sex with a helpless and budding boy was your medicine. I wonder what happened to you in your childhood.Did you suffer in your childhood?

Part of me was glad you're dead when I found out. And part of me felt lost; like I couldn't kill you if I wanted to anymore. I wonder if you can hear my thoughts and if you can now feel guilt about what you did to me or if you can make up for the pain and fear and shame I have lived with.

I wish to let go of you now. I will continue to choose to understand that I was a little kid going through puberty and that I was not responsible for the secret relationship that we had. I have lived a lifetime carrying that burden and it’s still inside me some, but I'm dedicating this year to going back and feeling the fear and the power that you gave me. I've almost let go of hating you…and of liking you. Soon you will be a much smaller seed that exists in my memory and that will not grow roots enough to hurt me anymore.

timetorecover

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#463492 - 03/31/14 04:12 PM Re: a Letter to my perpatrator [Re: timetorecover]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
From the heart - I really felt that. Thank you for sharing it. I wrote a letter to my molester and actually sent it, since he is still alive. Your sharing has inspired me to do likewise here.

I guess what comes through loud and clear is the pain that this has caused you. Doesn't it seem like maybe it wasn't so bad at the time - that we could adapt and just go along with it - but the secrecy and shame just grow like a tumor in our psyches. At 12-13, I could never have imagined what the months of abuse (for me also about 2-300 times I would imagine) would turn into in my adult mind.

Little details in your letter really resonated - like how you were robbed of the chance to kill him - not that you literally would, but that fate took away your ability to dish any justice back to him. Also this line:

..........>>I've almost let go of hating you…and of liking you.<<

That is a very disturbing aspect of where I am now. There was a thread here a little while back talking about "soul ties". I sometimes think he stole part of my love and I can't get that back. How strange to have such a mixture of love and hate for one person.

The last part says precisely what the bottom line is for me - to get him out of my head forever. He planted his seeds in me - both figuratively and literally - and I'm still trying to pull that weed out by its roots.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#463503 - 03/31/14 08:12 PM Re: a Letter to my perpatrator [Re: timetorecover]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Thank you for sharing. I hope letting it out and letting the perp know helped you heal. I too sent an anonymous letter to the my abuser--did not sign my name but gave a return address that was long ago before we had a house number but just a rural route number with no road name. It was my address at the time of the abuse. I hope your perp is haunted by the letter as I do my abuser.

Letting go is the only way we can heal.

Kevin

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#463528 - 04/01/14 07:44 AM Re: a Letter to my perpatrator [Re: timetorecover]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Thanks for sharing. My therapist wants me to do something similar this Wednesday. We touched on it last week and it brought a lot out and some different flashbacks like the feel of the canvas paper route back and the feel of sticky ink on my fingers after delivering all of my papers even though my fingers were completely clean and not touching anything, it felt so real in the moment and out of nowhere.
She wants me to either write a letter or verbally speak to the 11 year old child in me still trapped at that moment when I was abused. I also feel that there is the confused 18 year old that in so many ways was and still is a frightened teen not ready for the sexual world and the horrors of being in high school surrounded by other horny teens, especially the homophobic ones that constantly gay bashed as a way to supposedly show they were men, that made me so sick and drove me to hide that kid and scared teen and I feel like I hid them so deep that I nearly suffocated them to death metaphorically.
Since my last session I randomly get visual images of being in that room still, but the perp isn't there, he killed himself a week after but I still see 11 year old me just standing there frozen with my pants and underwear down to my ankles, the paper route bag still on my shoulder pushed aside so he could give me an unsuccessful blowjob.
I have acknowledged that I was re-victimizing myself by looking for other men to use me as the perfect victim as I felt that I was a failure in the eyes of my abusers as I never ejaculated or got an erection the first time, he did jerk of and get himself off but I refused to touch him and freaked out and locked that moment of freaking out deep inside me and only recalled it in the past month or so. The second perp was unsuccessful at making me fully strip him and get him off, he made me massage his neck, take his shirt off, sit on his ass and massage his back while he kept trying to grind his ass into my crotch to get me hard but I kep resisting then he made me stand up and undo his pants and pull them down. When I saw his hairy ass I had a flashback of the first guys hairy penis and I freaked out and ran out of the house and went for a drive trying to kill myself, my story explains it fully.
I feel now that I somehow want to rescue that child and teen and lead them to an adult life and allow them to grow up safely and experience some of the things I did not allow them or myself to try or feel out of fear, shame and guilt.
I have taken some good steps as an adult and accepted and embraced my bisexual tendencies and openly had some experiences with men that my wife was fully aware of and there are no secrets. The secrets were the continuing torture to myself for everything I felt I did wrong even though I did nothing wrong, it wasn't my fault and I need to accept that even before I stepped foot in the door both times and I had that gut feeling that something wasn't right, I wasn't prepared or taught about how to react to the situations nor did I know they existed so what I did was innocently do what any child or potential employee would do and obeyed the adult or person with authority and trust their power.
I fear power now, having it myself or anyone with it and I only feel safe when distanced from it and I don't think I will ever feel safe back in a situation, work or otherwise, where someone has authority over me but I do want to find and hold the positive power to control my life and free the child and teen trapped in me.
One of my biggest fears moving forward is how much of my life and thoughts have been consumed with sex because of it being sexual abuse so young when I didn't know anything sexually and so much of what I believed was right and wrong were flipped upside down and still to this day I struggle to see things for what they truly are. The teen in me is a driving force for wanting back the experiences I would not allow me to try or feel, for example the bisexual experiences, not the re-victimizing but the honest, innocent feelings which are there and do exist and are ok to feel. It seems that now that I allowed myself to experience it that the shame, fear and guilt are gone in that aspect and I proved to myself that I can be in control and say no if I don't want to do it rather than freeze and submit and be a sex toy to the other person.
Now, even though I have been in a successful, love making filled 18 year marriage, that teen really wants to see what it would be like getting a lap dance. His fantasy of it is getting off in his pants which I have read and been told is normal, the biggest fear wasn't the sexuality of the experience, it was the girl having power over me and rather than giving me the experience I wanted I was terrified she would force me to give her all of my money and do nothing for me rather than threaten to tell my family and friends bad things if I didn't do as she demanded. This has never happened and it is my negative imagination that seems to be my worst enemy now.
Sorry for the long rant but basically I am trying to figure out how to connect with that child and teen and overcome that overwhelming fear of being back there and like lead them away to a safe place where I can let the hatred go in a safe way.

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#463719 - 04/05/14 07:52 PM Re: a Letter to my perpatrator [Re: timetorecover]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/14
Posts: 79
Loc: Florida, U.S.A
Time To Recover,

I know the feeling. I was 22 when I took leave from the military, and went back to the old neighborhood to confront my attacker. I do not know what I would have done when I found him. I was filled with A LOT of rage in those days.

I was fortunate, a quick investigation disclosed Thomas killed himself, as he was about to be arrested for molesting another small boy. I wish I had the courage to tell someone when I was 8. How many fewer victims would there have been. My Preacher recently told me "That was wasted energy, and you shouldn't think like that." But, how can I not, in spite of what he, and his friends, did with and to my body, I am not a monster.

My life IS my legacy, as his darkness was his. Almost daily I remind myself even though his darkness covered me for a time, it did not take my soul. Each time I do this, I claim the victory, I survived.
_________________________
Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis
My Story: Short / Long version. *TRIGGERS*

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#463731 - 04/06/14 06:54 AM Re: a Letter to my perpatrator [Re: timetorecover]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Awesome letter and I really like your name, Time To Recover!

For me, this is a big theme in recovery - shedding the past and reassigning the blame exactly where it belongs - of rejecting ownership of those roots and seeds that were inflicted upon and into us.

I liked Pete73's sharing of missing out on what I would call normal healthy teenage male sexual development. I had a chance to experience this when I practiced a spiritual form of purging all the sexual memories and experiences that had haunted me- I journaled tons and tried to be as honest as possible about my path- and I refrained from being physically sexual for a period of months as I tried exercise and Buddhist meditation to take care of myself -this as tremendously healing and helped me connect with that deep inner sense of myself and my unharmed sexual identity. Free from labels or judgement. I felt a new sense of power and teenage - like energy and starting havjng wet dreams- which is a part of normal male sexual development. I was two decades past my teens and I got to experience those senstations and feelings. It was liberating and taught me what healthy sexuality really is. It's about intimacy with Self on several levels and rejection of outside influences judgements and labels.

It's what I wish for everyone here as they work to overcome the past and claim a life for themselves. It is possible and we all deserve it.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#463755 - 04/06/14 03:26 PM Re: a Letter to my perpatrator [Re: timetorecover]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 245
Loc: Germany
Hey Mountainous Buck, I too am going through a second adolescence, and finally being able to experience a healthy male sexual development. I feel confident in my identity as a male, confident in my body, confident about my sexuality and my right to be loved and respected. I also do not feel intimidated by others or any need to criticize others because I now fully understand that we all have different paths and different standards of what, who, and where we should be. It feels great! Positive, mindful sexual exploration has been very important for me as is the power to exercise my right to not have sex and be with myself. My therapist and some of my best friends have been tremendously supportive in guiding me along this path of positive sexual and adult development, and I am so greatful smile
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#464416 - 04/22/14 02:40 PM Re: a Letter to my perpatrator [Re: timetorecover]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
very heart felt. i can relate becuase my abusers also died before i could confront him.
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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