Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
camdon (30), camdon greenwood (30), Denise (72), getteddie (66), morgoth (24), Ric (66)
Who's Online
1 registered (freeze-on), 28 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63772 Topics
445339 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#46336 - 12/16/03 12:49 PM Crusades, agendas
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
There are so many different people here, there are people of different backgrounds and ages. There are such strong men here, everyone here has so much strength, even if they do not recognize it at this time. We all are here because of having something in common. That does not make us alike.

There are some people who feel so strongly of retribution or vengeance against abuser. Some here have been struggling with their past for 5 years, some for near 50 years. To be older does not mean that person is closer to 'healed'. To be younger does not mean that person is less experienced or intelligent.

There are some people who firmly believe one must confront abuser to heal. There are some who believe we must forgive to heal. There are others who believe that it is our responsibility to speak of this, to turn it in to authorities, that it is something we owe others.

I do not know what to do. I do not know know what I can do. I have confronted him. I can not forgive. I can not put this to any authorities that I have not already done. I can not handle it.

It is most I can handle to try to sleep an hour or two a day. It is most I can handle to wake from that sleep and continue to try to face life. It is most I can handle to deal with the memories, the body feelings, the flashbacks, the reality and unreality of it all. It is most I can handle to remain myself, and most often I can not even do that, I become 'other' of myself. It is most I can handle to not hurt myself, to not be rude to other people, to attempt to feel there is hope in future.

I have good friend, wonderful friend, who I know cares of me. To know of how afraid I am still of this man, it bothers him, I know. So he wishes I to make legal case against this man. I know it is probably what I should do. But I can not do this.

It is in my power to say this? I was feeling that I had no choice, that things to be done of this were being decided and planned, with no concern of me, what I want or need or am capable of.

When does someone protect me? When does someone listen to me, hear me, give to me what I need, rather then to tell me what I should do? All my life, I have known things that I should do. Does that mean I can do them? No, not always. So, to know what I should do, and to not be able to do them, that adds more guilt to me, for not being a strong enough person.

I wonder if it is because I am younger? Because I am still near the beginning of to heal? If this person has regrets that he did not expose his abuser at younger age? Is this person attempting to soothe himself and his regrets by having me do what he was not able to do himself? Is it in part a crusade against all abusers, so that he can have vengeance on his, by me reporting mine?

I feel lost in this situation. I feel I am lost. That in the whole situation, there is all this stuff here, things that you should do, that you want to do, all these things, facts, feelings. And all that is missing is me.

I am not a hero. I am not a soldier or warrior in this crusade against the abuse. I am only me. When is only me going to be enough?

Sorry if this make no sense. I make no sense right now, life make no sense right now. I am in situation I do not belong in, I do not understand or can succeed in. And it will not be only me who will be failed by me.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

Top
#46337 - 12/16/03 01:46 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Leosha,
You and ONLY you can decide when or if you should have your former coach prosecuted. It is nobody elses business. You know how much you can handle right now. Nobody else knows. I am absolutely furious that someone from this discussion forum would think that they have the right to pressure you into taking further action against your perpetrator.
Do what you feel is best for you Leosha. You're right, there are all kinds of people here. There are those with their own agendas, those who will protect your privacy and those who won't. On the whole, the guys here are awesome, but you do have to be a little careful sometimes ... it's like that for everything in life.
Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

Top
#46338 - 12/16/03 03:42 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Actually I am glad that Leosha made this post.

Speaking for myself I know that at times I want to jump in and give someone advice and that is really not what they want. Generally we want to know that we are not alone and that is huge. Additionally, I think, we want to know how others handled a like situation and what their sucess was.

Now we do come from all different backgrounds and our abuse has affected us in it's own special way. The commonality with us is that we have been soiled by the slime of SA.

Anyway I think, I for one, will instead of offering advice will just relate the situation to my own and let a brother know what my success rate was.

There are exceptions obviously. For instance if we are concerned about someones life we should be as supportive as possible and ecnourage them to seek help wherever. I think that is valid and I am sure there are other situations like it.

Off my Soap Box now?

May the festive season be a good one for all of us.

Andrew has it right that it is only Leosha who can do anything about his situation and we must remember all the time that we all heal at a different rate.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#46339 - 12/16/03 04:35 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Leo,

I sent most of this to you via PM, but for those who are also struggling with this, I will repeat (also, since I don't trust bloody computers, this is a positive control double-check :rolleyes: ).

This person who is pressuring you is acting like an abuser himself/herself because they are coercing you to do something you do not want to do. Are they aware of the fact that they aren't helping you? Do they know that they may be, in fact, hurting you?

No one can tell anyone else how to heal. Healing is a journey we take for ourselves. Some tell me that I need to forgive. Screw that! I will not forgive until I'M ready! ME! NOBODY ELSE! The best that I can do right now (which is VERY liberating in and of itself) is to let go of hating my abuser, which is NOT the same as forgiveness.

Actually, I have the opposite problem of yours. I WANT to find out if my abuser is still alive and rake him over the coals. But am I ready for what that will do to my life? Am I ready to be put on trial myself? Called a liar? Called an opportunist? Called a "faggot," whatever the Hell that means? Branded as a person who "liked" the sexual abuse? I know I'm not. And your friend needs to be aware that that's what people face, men especially, when they go public in the good ol' U.S.A.

Leo, you need to do what's right for YOU. Nobody else. You are one of the strongest people I know, and you rank me because you get up and continue your life after going through so Goddamned much as a kid and as an adult. You are my hero. One of them, anyway (the rest of you guys and gals are too... \:D ).

My Russian brother, I say it again. You rank me and if your friend needs proof of what (s)he's saying isn't right for you, feel free to show this to them. Another survivor telling them what HE knows to be true! (So there!).

It's a dated term in Russian, but you, my brother, are my Tovarisch (sp?) in the purist, realist way.

Peace and love, Leo. And hugs (((((('Lex))))))

Scot \:D

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

Top
#46340 - 12/16/03 04:51 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Leosha,
Sometimes I have found that I have had to take a vacation from healing and being a survivor. Sounds kind of strange doesn't it? But it has been true for me because I got so busy trying to do all the right things when what I sometimes needed was just to stop and rest for a bit.

Healing is like walking a very long journey. When you first start out, you can't see the end and all you may or may not be able to see is a path in front of you. Sometimes you can not even see that, and maybe it is the moss growing on the north side of a tree, or the sun setting in the west or maybe it is a star that guides you. But during those times, these things are all you have to hold on to. And so we continue to take each step even though we can't see a mile ahead of us but we continue. Each step gets us a little further than the last step. And then there are times after we have been taking steps that we need to stop and rest a bit before we continue on.

That's kind of a simplistic view, but in many ways, I have found it to be true. There are the little things that keep us going, the small little steps we take even when we don't know what is ahead and then just taking care of ourselves. It is a process. It is one that takes time.

One thing that helped me early on was depicting a path with all the stumbling blocks (or rocks) that I could identify as well as all the stones of accomplishments that paved my road as I walked through it. The accomplishments can be small but sometimes putting them on paper that you can see at any time, is enough to keep some perspective when things are real rough.

Just some thoughts,, and things that I have used over the years.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

Top
#46341 - 12/16/03 06:20 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

Now is the time to be just yourself. That is more than enough.

Do not let anyone pressure you to do something for which you are not ready. Tell them that you appreciate they care, but that you must and will make your own decisions.

Last summer I wrote a letter to a newspaper, and they wanted to publish it but insisted I supply my full name, address, and phone number. Perhaps thinking in terms of a "crusade" I did send it, and they did publish the letter. I went ahead then and told my parents that someone sexually abused me as a child.

I was not ready for that. I survived the emotional aftermath later that month, so now I am glad that I did it. But there was a time when my survival was not at all certain. I am much more cautious now about making "new" personal disclosures.

You have done much more than most. You reported the asshole. Please do not try to do anything else that might be too much, too soon. On another day you may be ready and willing to take some other action, or you may not. But that decision is yours and yours alone. You can seek advice from the people around you if you like but that decision must come out of your own heart and soul.

Take exquisite care of yourself. The rest will take care of itself.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#46342 - 12/16/03 08:25 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Leosha,

This is a wonderful post, it expresses how you feel and your concerns. Quite elegantly.

At times we do need to take breaks. To do something that gets our minds off this. That in itself is a part of what we a striving for. Sometimes this can be overwhelming, and then you must get away to give the mind a chance to absorb and relax.

There is indeed a wide arrangement of guys here. Ranging from the young to the older, from the tettering on the edge to being fairly stable. From the wide spectrum of the guys here we get a wide range of responses to our posts. That is part of the beauty of this site. As with advice, take it with caution, or toss it out. Not all advice is good, nor is all of it bad. Even what may be good advice may not be right for you. So all of this should be taken with a grain of salt. Look at it, and decide is this right for you or not. Maybe the right option or thought for your case was never given. But with all opinions and advice, the choice to accept it or to follow through with it lies soley on you.

Don't ever feel pressured to accept someone's opinion/advice as fact and THE thing you must do. That choice is yours and yours alone.

There are people that live vicariously through others. The are awed by those that do what they wish they could muster up the strength to do. Don't let them make their fantasy your reality. Because in the end, they are miles away, and you are left with the consequences.

Take care, Leosha, I wish you the best, and only you know what is the best for you.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#46343 - 12/16/03 10:13 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, being yourself is all you need to be, and that is a lot, because you are great!

People here might offer options for us to use, or tell us how they feel. But I think you are really correct, sometimes we might say what we would like you to do because we did not do it.

That should never be a pressure for you or anyone else here. As we well know, you did confront your abuser--and it caused you more pain.

To do more is something that only you can decide. Help from a therapist can give guidance, but only you can decide.

Leosha, you have nothing to prove to yourself or anyone else.

The fact that, if we are helathy we are not always going to be here for hours every single day, is very important. Getting our mind as far off of CSA and its ffects can do wonders for us.

Take care men.

These are critical days for many of us. We need to treat ourselves in some good, healthy way if we can.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

Top
#46344 - 12/17/03 01:16 AM Re: Crusades, agendas
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 60
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Dear Leosha.

There are many things that you have very bravely expressed here.

You do not ever have to report your former abuser(s) to anyone ever - if you don't feel that that is something you want to do.

And: - YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO REPORT YOUR FORMER ABUSER TO RECOVER FROM THIS.

AND: - YOU DON"T EVER HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID TO YOU - IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FORGIVE HIM.

You are very brave to speak so emotionally about this. The emotion clearly tells us that what you are putting out here means a lot to you. Trust that you only have to do what feels okay TO YOU. Meaning comes from emotion - Trust that! You have an idea of how you will feel should you report the histrical abuse - AND - you have an idea of how you will feel if you don't report it. DO WHAT YOU FEEL WILL BE BEST FOR YOU.

(There are just as many pluses and minuses to reporting a past abuser as there are pluses and minuses to not reporting historical abuse. I know of people who have reported and wished they hadn't - and I know people who wish they had. NEITHER IS BETTER OR MORE NECESSARRY THAN THE OTHER).

Whoever is trying to pressure you - has no right to do that. He or she may want to suggest something to you out of concern - but - No one ever has the right to pressure anyone into anything. (It is how abusers act).

there is no right and wrong in terms of whether or not you should report your historical abuse. You do whatever you feel is right for you and whatever you - and only you - know will make you feel better. Remember - you never have to report the history of abuse to get better and you never have to forgive him if you don't want to. Those decisions are yours - and only yours. Forgiving someone does not make you a better person than not forgiving someone. Do what feels right for you.

"You are a unique human being, and if you've got something to say, say it, and think well of yourself while you're learning to say it better" - David Mamet.

"You are a unique human being. There will only ever be one of you in all of time. Express your true self. Otherwise that truth will never exist" - Martha Graham teaching Agnes Demille.

Bless you Leosha!

Asher

_________________________
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and I dream of freedom and happiness and fulfillment for us all.

Top
#46345 - 12/17/03 01:41 AM Re: Crusades, agendas
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 60
Loc: New York, New York, USA
PS Leosha!

if you cannot sleep - please see your Doctor. I am expressing this out of concern for you and your health. (I used to sleep two hours a night. I had to get more sleep before I could work on this stuff). This stuff takes a lot of energy. Sleep Leosha - sleep - for yourself. And - as above - Do only what you feel you want to do.

_________________________
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and I dream of freedom and happiness and fulfillment for us all.

Top
#46346 - 12/17/03 12:34 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Leo'
Quote:
I am not a hero. I am not a soldier or warrior in this crusade against the abuse. I am only me. When is only me going to be enough?
Every day Leo' every day is enough for being just you.

You make your own choices, do what's right for you.
Importantly, do what's SAFE for you.

I keep saying that I think it's ok to be selfish when we're recovering.
Not selfish in a nasty way towards other people, but we should think of ourselves first, think how actions we take will affect us first, then how they affect those around us.

You are a 'hero' Leo' - surviving is a heroic thing.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#46347 - 12/17/03 01:19 PM Re: Crusades, agendas
Thomas Offline
Member

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise
My brother,

You say, "I am not a hero." We are all of us, whether we believe it or not, heroes. Why? Because each and every day, we get out of bed and go slogging through our lives, no matter how crappy we feel. I am in awe of the men at this site - all of you give me the heart to keep on truckin' instead of throwing in the towel. I once tried it; obviously I'm still here and am I glad I didn't succeed.

You and ONLY you, have the right to decide what's best for you. Revenge, forgiveness, prosecution - these are things that no one else has the right to pressure you on. They don't live in your skin, they don't know what's best for you. You're the expert on you, no one else.

I often doubt myself; one of the most precious gifts that the perps robbed me of is the ability to trust my own perceptions. Really, I'm the only one who knows what will help me to heal. Trust yourself, my friend. Other than that, I will give no advice. But know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and whatever you do, you have my respect, admiration, and support.

Tom

_________________________
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.