This is an attempt to make a schedule of my drama and recovery of the last year. I know I am omitting a number of important events. This last year was terribly difficult for me. Work, family, housing, abuse, school, and my mind were all were unstable and unpredictable. But, there has been a clear and positive upwards trajectory over all the shit.

December 2012:
I tried but failed to file a police report about CSA. They made me tell everything in the front lobby. People were waiting behind me. I called earlier and tried to make an appt. No luck. I failed to report him for rape, or using my body to make child porn. I just stuck to a story that a man once showed me child porn.

This *failure* starts making me incredibly depressed.

January 1st 2013:
Met a really kind friend of a friend. He was super into me and we actually had sex. I was able to have sex without panic. I'll call this man "D".

March 2013:
My depression gets really bad and I start making detailed plans to kill myself. I am drinking every day by this point

April 2013: I call a crises centre about suicide plan and get arrested by police and brought to the hospital. In the hospital a psych accuses me of being a paedophile. Because of the fact I work with children and was abused. Am prescribed anti depressants.

After psych ward I start therapy with my second Trauma Therapist "A".

May:
Go visit D on his farm up north. All my friends say he is a really good guy. We get really drunk. I open up to him about all my stuff and feel accepted. We hug and I feel loved for the first time in years. He ends up raping me on his farm when I declined to have sex. We still end up in a relationship.

June:
Start doing lots of drugs to "escape". Still Drinking

August 2013:
stop therapy with A. We never got anywhere.

Move out of my mom's house and back into the city and land with some amazing and supportive roommates.

September 2013:
Try to return to college.

End "relationship" with D. He was trying to infect me with HIV and I had to go on post exposure drugs once and should have twice.

Start and quit a therapy group. It was too intense. Lasted two sessions.

Realize I may be at risk of losing my job because of mental health issues.

Later that month I start seeing the group's facilitator in one-on-one therapy sessions. For the first time in many months, after our first session I feel hope.

October 2013:
Drop out of college again.

Met a new, nice, and kind romantic interest and we start dating in November.

Nov-Dec 2013:
stop drinking as heavily, stop doing drugs, stop smoking as much. Start exercising and giving myself time for fun.

Dec 2013:
Stop taking anti depressants get prescribed my mood stabilizers by my doctor which make me feel a lot better.

January 2014:
Re enrol in class.

Learn job is secure.

Start new therapy group.

February 2014:
Quit new therapy group as the group was chaotic and not at all a safe environment for me. I quit feeling good about it.

Still in individual therapy

Currently:
Not suicidal, accepted into a better school for Math and Computer Science starting in the summer. Not drinking heavily. I still have moments of panic, doubt and self hatred. But I also have moments of calm. I am forward looking and I can see a future I want. I have been thinking about suicide since I was, maybe, 11. To be free of that and the negative dialogue I would constantly subject myself too is beautiful.

One thing I did exclude from this list is my MS relationships and contacts. MS has been huge in allowing me to see myself as a person who has worth. To rid myself of some of the guilt I have about my childhood.

My romantic relationship is a struggle. It's hard to trust and I am simply unable to engage sexually with my current boyfriend. My T thinks I can work though that, but I am not sure I want to. But, I know whatever choice I make I'll be okay and that is very freeing.
_________________________
"Well, I'll be damned
A calf is easy to brand"
-Cass McCombs, Memory's Stain

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