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#463315 - 03/28/14 10:43 AM Out of control!
Brandonflies Offline


Registered: 03/27/14
Posts: 5
Loc: Salt lake
Hi everyone!

I am so grateful to have found this site! Your stories of strength and insight are encouraging and helpful!

My abuse started when I was 12, by a guy in a van who was one of those candy vendor (door to door deals). It was a way for me to pay my way through flying lessons. Unfortunately, i didn't sell a heck of a lot of candy. The sexual abuse went on for years using tactics ranging from grooming, isolation (would take me out of state), violence. However the worst is that he would pay me afterwards. This created a huge feeling of responsibility within me. Ugh, the shame was and is, difficult to hear. I did report him and went through police interviews, etc. but I still have no clue what happened ( I didn't testify in court). Despite this would have been his second conviction.

Anyway guys, I'm in trouble. I managed so well for so long. School, good job, friends, etc. but recently I'm taking a nose dive. I'm drinking heavily for about a year, I'm hiding out in my room for days (I'm an independent contractor, so although I'm missed at the office, I'm not required to show or call). Also, I'm acting out sexually... Seeing female prostitutes, having anonymous gay sex with strangers I meet on CL. I don't know what to do. Not seeing a therapist and haven't got insurance.

Anyway, some friends and family know what I'm up too, but that kinda makes me feel more ashamed and now everyone wants to know if I'm gay. I have a compulsion toward gay sex, however am attracted to women. They don't get that, and frankly it's hard for me to digest as well.

Thanks all for letting me just kind of dump on here. I'd appreciate insight and ideas!


Brandon

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#463327 - 03/28/14 01:42 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Dear Brandonfiles,

Welcome

Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get therapuetic assistance. You need to stop drinking. You need to find the skills to change your sexual urges.

How can you go about this? I do not know if you have tried or are interested in 12 step programs. (AA for alcohol, SLA for sex problems). There is assistance that may help find resources from the victims assistance program. There may also be help from NAMI chapter in you community.

I am glad you found us. I am sorry you need us. We are here fore mutual support.

May you find what you are looking for.

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#463329 - 03/28/14 03:06 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Originally Posted By: Brandon
Anyway, some friends and family know what I'm up too, but that kinda makes me feel more ashamed and now everyone wants to know if I'm gay. I have a compulsion toward gay sex, however am attracted to women. They don't get that, and frankly it's hard for me to digest as well.

Welcome to this brotherhood of survivors, Brandon. Please do not make the mistake of defining your life in terms of the expectations of others. However you define your orientation, it is your choice. Defining your sexual identity in terms of the expectations of others not only guarantees of a life of frustration and unhappiness, but really perpetuates the cycle of allowing ourselves to be defined by the choice of others when we were twelve, in basements, tents, rectories - and candy trucks.

I am gay and in a committed relationship - and yet I still wonder if I would have had attractions to men had my abuse not occurred. For a long time, I felt that fighting those feelings was an honorable fight against how my molester tried to define me - until I realized that I had to become who I became just to survive him. Don't believe the lie that our sexual scars and thwarted identities speak to the triumph of our abusers. The truth is they speak to our capacity to grow around the ugliness with love. It means we responded to the worst with the best.

My own perspective is that, like training the branches of a young green sapling, we grow and accommodate the forces that distort us. As grown trees, we cannot rearrange our branches so easily. But we outgrow the forces that shaped us, and stand on our own terms - often stronger than those around us that wonder why we are twisted so. Be proud, Brandon. You win when you accept where your heart wants to go.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#463340 - 03/28/14 07:11 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Brandon, glad you found your way here. It takes courage to reach out like you have done and to start to talk about this part of your life. All of our stories here are different, but most of us share the same experience with guilt, shame and feeling responsible for the abuse. A lack of clarity about our true sexual orientation is also common with sexual abuse survivors. Sorry you have to be here, but know that you have found a community that understands what you are going through.

I came here a year ago struggling with intense shame and guilt over my abuse and same sex attraction. I didn't go as far as you have gone with that, but I know it was always possible. I have made progress. It hasn't been easy looking at my self and my past this intensely, but I am doing better. Being able to talk through my issues within this community has made all the difference.

A resource I have found helpful on this path has been: Beyond Betrayal, Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse, by Richard Gartner, published by John Wiley and Sons Inc.
Available as an ebook, on kindle and of course in print as well.
Good sections dealing with many of the issues you describe and it includes a section on practical exercises to help you dig deeper into your emotions and responses to your abuse. Take care Brandon.

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#463345 - 03/28/14 10:00 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Welcome Brandon,

Your descriptions of your past and present unfortunately are very familiar to me and others here.

Originally Posted By: Brandonflies
My abuse started when I was 12, ...The sexual abuse went on for years using grooming, isolation, violence. However the worst is that he would pay me afterwards. ...Ugh, the shame was and is, difficult to bear.... but recently I'm taking a nose dive. I'm drinking heavily for about a year, I'm hiding out in my room for days ....Also, I'm acting out sexually... Seeing female prostitutes, having anonymous gay sex with strangers I meet on CL. I don't know what to do. Not seeing a therapist and haven't got insurance.

The age, the grooming, the payment (alcohol & drugs for me), the shame, drinking, isolation, acting out sexually with men. It all could have been written by me. Thats not to say that your story is not unique to your experience. I just mean that knowing that we share many experiences helps us realize that we are not alone in this. And we have company in our journeys to freedom. Glad you joined MS.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#463367 - 03/29/14 11:54 AM Re: Out of control! [Re: genedebs]
Brandonflies Offline


Registered: 03/27/14
Posts: 5
Loc: Salt lake
Genedebs,

Thanks. I appreciate the shift of focus onto the more destructive elements of my behavior. Easier to work this other stuff out when I'm not "burnin the house down" so to speak. I'm going to go to AA and I'll pursue a therapist.

-B

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#463368 - 03/29/14 12:01 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Chase Eric]
Brandonflies Offline


Registered: 03/27/14
Posts: 5
Loc: Salt lake
Chase Eric,

Thank you for your kind and profound words of hope. I always fought any impact that my abuser could have on my life. At some point, this turned into me fighting myself. You have provided me with great insight as to how I need to consider my heart, not be ashamed about it. I am overwhelmingly grateful that I found this site and you guys.

No where else could I have made such a confession and not frightened people. There are so few places where I could be so understood by so many.

Thank you, to be understood and to be supported is profound. Thanks for taking the time to respond and offer support!

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#463369 - 03/29/14 12:07 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Dave PNW]
Brandonflies Offline


Registered: 03/27/14
Posts: 5
Loc: Salt lake
Dave,

Thank you! I got the book, "beyond betrayal" on audiobook. Just starting out, it has a big focus on shame and family shame. Even though my abuser was outside of the family, it turns out SA has been rampant through generations of my family. My moms abuse by her dad only revealed when I came forward. My grandfathers abuse of my aunt. Like a plague of toxic shame. It brought me to tears.

I'm scared to go back and keep listening, but I will.


Thanks for the support and comraderie, it's really a big deal to me right now!

-B

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#463370 - 03/29/14 12:09 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Jude]
Brandonflies Offline


Registered: 03/27/14
Posts: 5
Loc: Salt lake
Jude,

Thank you.

How have you dealt with the alcohol and drugs? Any luck? Any insight?

I no longer feel lost and alone.

Somehow I now feel like I'm on a bigger quest with many others like me and it is profound.

I am so grateful I found you guys and this site!

-B

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#463373 - 03/29/14 12:40 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Originally Posted By: Brandon
I always fought any impact that my abuser could have on my life. At some point, this turned into me fighting myself.

Precisely.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#463423 - 03/30/14 03:38 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Brandon,

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but hopeful for you now that you have arrived at MS.
I don't propose to suggest that we have all the answers, or that we can provide a means to heal outside of traditional therapy, but the acceptance, understanding, support and empathy from fellow survivors has for me, been a catalyst that has contributed greatly in my healing journey, I hope this too can be true for you.

As others have mentioned, the guilt, shame, SSA, and any other number of negative self assessments are all too common. I see them as a way our minds try to assume control over something we had no control over. It is a defense mechanism, as I see it, and is not at all helpful in terms of recovery.
If I can suggest nothing more, the blame belongs with the abuser, not with you. Accepting this will go along way to forgiving yourself.

Although I heard it on Oprah, the sentiment represents a truth as I see it, "we need to give up the hope that the past could have been any different".

I haven't read the book suggestion from Dave, although I will add that one to my list, I would suggest "victims no longer" by mike lew and "joining forces" by dr howard Fradkin. Victims no longer was more of an eye opener for me, where as joining forces has plenty of practical exercises meant to assist in working through the dysfunction we are left with.

Welcome, I am glad you have arrived, take care.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#463540 - 04/01/14 04:58 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 99
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Brandon:

I am convinced that the compulsiveness and same sex attraction elements in my life are rooted in my csa.

For a long time I couldn't figure why I was addicted (compulsion) to viewing same sex internet porn, when I am a happily married man with children and grandchildren all of whom I love more than anything in this life. I couldn't figure out why I would be willing to risk all for something that didn't seem to fit with my personality.

What has worked best for me is a 12 step program, together with therapy. The 12 steps to deal with the behavior, and the therapy to look into its roots.

Wish you the best. In one way or another, we've all been were you are. You're not the only one, and you're not alone.





_________________________
Jay

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#463545 - 04/01/14 07:11 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I know exactly what you are going through for myself deal with ssa and compulsions it's a real pain in the ass. I am deep in it now starting to deal with it

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#463662 - 04/04/14 05:10 PM Re: Out of control! [Re: Brandonflies]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3536
Loc: O Kanada
welcome to this community of survivors. brandonflies.

your story made me mad and sad.
each and every time i hear about predators using employment as a weapon, turning a child's ambition into a vulnerability, it is a big trigger for me.
i am sorry to hear about what happened to you.

hope you find some goodness here.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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