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#456271 - 12/07/13 12:53 AM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Anthony V]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
This is what I love about this place. We've all had different experiences that have led us here, but thank god there's a place we all kind of sort of understand each other a little bit.

Anthony, here's my two cents. I'm 13 years younger than you, but I tend to do the same thing. Yes, I have had quite a bit of confusion throughout my life, starting pretty much immediately after I figured out that what my cousin had been having me do with him was, by definition, "gay" in the sense that there were sexual acts occurring between two males (I was ages 6-9, he would have been 9-12). I never did act out with other people sexually after that, and when I finally did have sex and start hooking up, it was with women. That was what I enjoyed. I could never make the move though unless they made the move first. I feel like a million dollars when I'm with one, and I feel like a billionaire if I do something in bed that makes them happy (need for self validation much?). Before I got into therapy though, I used to frequently check out gay porn and got off to it. That was what started my questioning, and ultimately what led me into therapy. I guess to relate this to Don64, that was the signal from my insides that I had some stuff to figure out.

After college it's been much harder to meet people, and so I've been alone, and when you go literally years without having sex, you start to wonder, at least I did given my past. That's the thing though. I get confused NOT because I find myself attracted to other men or fantasizing about other men, I question because I'm not with a woman. What sense does that make?! When you think about it, we live in a culture that doesn't really know what to do with single adult men. I think people assume there must be something really wrong with us. Maybe there is. I don't know. Where I'm at though, I live in the middle of nowhere. All the cute girls I have crushes on are either unavailable, sisters of my best friends (NOT going near those ones), or I'm just too chicken sh*t to approach. I think I make excuses, but I don't know why. I'm confident at this point that it isn't me being a repressed gay guy. I think it's because I'm really embarrassed to admit to people that I'm just too nervous or anxious to put myself out there, and embarrassed that I'm 26, my friends are getting married, and I don't even know how to have a normal relationship.

I started seeing a third therapist a while back for insurance purposes (namely, she took my insurance). We didn't really click, but she seized on something that the other two I think knew about, but didn't emphasize. It wasn't just the SA - I was horribly abused verbally and emotionally by my sister when we were younger (she feels terrible now, but the damage is done) and also my mother, so my relationships with women aren't very good. I tend to assume that if I get close, I will be manipulated or unable to trust them, because they'll want something from me, or that they're going to get close to me and then use my vulnerabilities to try and crush me emotionally. Alternately, I feel like if I took the initiative, I would be acting overly aggressive, disrespectful, and objectifying.

The CSA and a combination of bullying throughout elementary, middle, and a decent chunk of high school (my nickname was Faggot for like, 7 years) emasculated the everloving tar out of me. I've only just begun to recover from that NOW. I feel not manly all the damned time. The bullies have been out of my life for years, but in their absence I bully myself now. And wouldn't you know that whenever a prospective date comes up and I chicken out, or something falls through, the first place I go is to check gay porn to see if I react? My therapist seized on this, and offered "Did you ever consider that you do that now to trip yourself up, pull the carpet out from you so to speak?" meaning that I will fall into that habit to distract myself from whatever "real" reason there is that I'm staying single, or I'll do it to self sabotage.

Our brains are tricky, tricky things. Be patient. For what it's worth, you don't sound gay to me, but as others have said, if that's what it comes down to, then own it. You are what you are, and that's all you are! Best of luck.

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#457434 - 12/26/13 01:39 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Anthony V]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 219
Loc: Western Europe
Thnx for your stories guys.. Andy's post makes a lot clear to me.. i'm in the same position.. never made the first step, wanting to please the ladies but unable to maintain a longterm relationship.. i'm starting to realize i'm actually straight - but with some issues.. but i know that i have to work on myself first.. whether i'll be able to be in a relationship at the same time.. time will tell


Edited by OCN (12/26/13 01:39 PM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#457435 - 12/26/13 01:45 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Anthony V]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
That's the real crappy thing is that it does take time to work these things out. There are still things that I worked out over three years ago in EMDR that still have not totally resolved themselves, but are slowly working themselves out over time. I've also realized though that I still have a lot of work to do, but right now I'm a student and don't have the money to be able to continue therapy.

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#463297 - 03/27/14 10:55 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Anthony V]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
I came across this article that might be useful to you Anthony, don't know if you are still around, but when I read the article I thought of this thread. It is about straight men who suspect they are gay even when they are not.
It might be useful to others too.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/homosexual-ocd-straight-men-fear-gay/story?id=22589452

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#466917 - 06/23/14 10:19 AM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Anthony V]
Anthony V Offline


Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 19
Hi Rustam,

I haven't been on here in months. However, in the interim I learned about HOCD and have been getting treatment for it. It turns out I have most likely been struggling with severe OCD for a very long time. The catalyst was most likely the sexual abuse. I have also been doing a lot of exposure therapy which means going to places and being with people that used to terrify me (i.e. gay neighborhoods, gay people, etc.). The hard part is just being there and not trying to confirm my sexuality (compulsion) but rather simply accepting the fears without trying to compulsively numb the fear.

I have slowly been feeling a lot better and doing so many things that I have long avoided.

Thanks,
Anthony V.

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#466933 - 06/23/14 09:06 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Anthony V]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 686
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Anthony,

In a book about being happy in the second half of life, I read about the need to be curious instead of controlling. Not easy for me, but very liberating.

Congratulations on just exploring, without the need to do anything or be anything.

Sending you lots of support for just being whoever you are.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#466990 - 06/25/14 07:52 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Anthony V]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Antony,
Thanks for the update, it must be a relief to know what you are dealing with and getting help with it. Very glad to hear that you are getting a handle on it and making progress.
Thanks for the good news.

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#467746 - 07/18/14 04:29 AM Re: Is it possible? [Re: AndyS87]
Hopein14 Offline


Registered: 03/07/14
Posts: 6
Loc: CT
My god, I could have written your post, except for some slight variations that existed in my parallel hell.
My "wonderful" father was your mother, and my brother and their male fiends were your sister. In their now "forgotten" claw remarks, insults, fagot, pansy, queer, I watched whomever i had been, go away, leave. and witnessed the person they said i was come. And with it, shame consuming and humiliation a relentless life companion.At 7 I felt as uncomfortable in my self as a a fish does in death valley. and at 8, this growing shame would be welcomed by the beginning sexual assaults.
The perfect storm in that I had my barely breathing true self annihilated, taken, and through repeated and years of it occurring lost trace and belief he, it, ever was.
I'm babbling, so i apologize, it really stuck a chord your posting.
To illustrate how deep and fucked up my confusion and gender and sexual attraction was and how much I disconnected from my actual maleness, me, my true self, I began, at 26, to grow a beard. It remains horrible to recount this.
Sounds absurd to men who haven't been molested. This beard, took two years. It was an external example of everything i wasn't, what I had been told was not ever me, and what I believed i wasnt-and I waited to be called names and told it was a beard that I should b ashemed I rhought was mine to grow and its how gone I was from me. I type this and its never very far away, the shame, how destroyed I was, and how I grew up wrong, and not trusting men, eventually seeing them in two separate places. sexually controlled, conquests, or feared to be soon hurting. I have never known a friendship with a man that was not gay, or hyper masculine, or gay? I engaged in toxic unhealthy risky acting out behaviors, by "sleeping" with very "manly"men, trying to absorb what it was they had and I didn't. It only confused me adding to and my self destruction. but it also was pleasurable. I was attracted to men, and never hoifght I was attractive to woman. I loved woman as friends, and yet i was married and made love. I ran to these hook up's in times of stress, to control something, and it was worse after, not ever better. And I watched with unedited envy men who so easily had the friendships i never knew. the banter, the easy natural swagger between two men friends. The loss is huge. I know, I think I know what you feel, and I thank you for sharing, because at 48 now, I am no closer to the ease of these relationships, but i am stronger in who it is I honestly want and love and who I am and was. Anyway, sorry, goodnight, thanks...J
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Never Again Today

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