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#463215 - 03/26/14 01:14 PM Afraid to tell
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 40
Loc: New York State
When I was 15, my tennis coach invited me to spend the weekend with him in San Francisco three hours from our house. It never occurred to me that he wanted to have sex with me. My parents gave permission for me to go with him and I am sure it didn't occur to them either that there might be a problem. When we got back from San Francisco, I was very upset, but no one seemed to notice. I was afraid to say anything about having been abused. Over the years I have told some people, but many times I made poor choices about who to tell. As a result, telling seemed to make things worse.

Just before this fateful trip to San Francisco with my tennis coach, one of my friends in high school had been abused by his piano teacher. It was a huge scandal in our little town. My friend ended of being sent away to private school and essentially he was gone from my life. I certainly did not want to create a scandal by telling what had happened to me.

My father had been put in a mental institution when he was 17, my sister went to a mental hospital when she was 14, I visited my grandmother in a mental hospital when I was about 10 and I was afraid if I said anything I might end up in a mental hospital. This was the 1960s and I was left very much alone with my pain.

I am in my sixties now. My therapist said yesterday that I should write about my experience. I resisted her suggestion for fear of someone finding out about my past. Four years ago I registered for Male Survivors and at the time I registered I read many helpful posts. Now after these four years of therapy, I feel like I am ready to tell my story even if only in the relative privacy of this site.

I know my therapist is right. I need to find an outlet for my inner reflections on my abuse experience.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to break the silence and express myself.
_________________________
Jed777

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#463216 - 03/26/14 01:29 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: Jed777]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1307
Quote:
I am in my sixties now. My therapist said yesterday that I should write about my experience. I resisted her suggestion for fear of someone finding out about my past.

Do not let shame be the guiding force in your life, Jed. Don't let it define you.

Write, write, write, write, write. It is how you step out of the dark.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#463219 - 03/26/14 02:24 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: Jed777]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6855
Loc: USA
Yes, Jed

It is helpful to others to have books by survivors. Your pain can help others. There are a lot more books out there by female survivors. More books are needed by male survivors.

I have had to talk things over with therapists a lot so that I begin to understand them. When I reach that point I can talk about them in print without shame.

My father was in a mental health facility until a few months before my experience I report in pufferfish story part 5. I'm reasonably sure that what he underwent in his years of military service was linked to what I had to endure. I now realize after reading about what was going on in that time and by hearing reports from relatives that he was subjected to destructive experiments involving microwaves. I think it's helpful to link events like this. A lot of information is just starting to emerge.

Puffer

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#463220 - 03/26/14 02:27 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: Jed777]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
Jed man
it is so hard for us to break silence held over a lifetime and with what happened in your experience it is not surprising you didn't tell. I never told on ANY of my abusers. I hope you will not let fear continue its influence in your life. I have know that feeling as well and it is horrible. fear is still so powerful in many ways. I would make a suggestion perhaps you could write your letter and then burn it right after. it would allow you to get those feelings out but then restore your safety. the secrets are poison but each time we tell it gets easier... by the drop. if you can write it and then burn it at least it has come out.
jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#463221 - 03/26/14 02:38 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: Jed777]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Quote:
Just before this fateful trip to San Francisco with my tennis coach, one of my friends in high school had been abused by his piano teacher. It was a huge scandal in our little town. My friend ended of being sent away to private school and essentially he was gone from my life. I certainly did not want to create a scandal by telling what had happened to me.


That hurts, Jed. I'm so sorry you were trapped by other peoples' overreactions and misunderstandings, and that nobody helped you.

And this part of your story walks right over my grave. A man used me when I was 8 in a way that I could not possibly understand - I blocked out much of it and was just confused about the rest. I at last figured out by age 11-12 what it meant when a penis went into a mouth that then had to swallow something.

But in the intervening years.... there had already been a massive shockwave in my community due to a different set of perps molesting other kids. One of the perps was my sister's boyfriend and my family was put completely into shock, crying and furious and just scaring the shit out of me by acting so strangely. They also proclaimed that the victims were now ruined and would grow up to be crazy and molest other kids themselves. That was the established neighborhood wisdom about one of my friends at that time, who had been a victim.

After seeing the horror of that reaction and hearing the poisons dumped on known victims.... once I did at last comprehend the truth of what had been done to me 4 years earlier, I was damn sure not going to tell anybody. I wasn't some crazy damaged boyfucker, I was 12 and I had to be NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL so I never told.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#463239 - 03/26/14 09:49 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: SoccerStar]
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 40
Loc: New York State
Matt,

Do you notice that you progressing in your recovery?
_________________________
Jed777

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#463240 - 03/26/14 09:52 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 706
Loc: Southeast USA
Jed,

I'm so sorry you were in that situation. Unfortunately I understand the dilemma you faced.

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
....once I did at last comprehend the truth of what had been done to me 4 years earlier, I was damn sure not going to tell anybody. I wasn't some crazy damaged boyfucker, I was 12 and I had to be NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL so I never told.


So true.

At 13 I came back from camp and felt like an Morlock among the Eloi. As badly as I wanted my parents to guess why I was behaving the way I was, I couldn't bear to tell them myself. I didn't dare tell my mother the real reason I left for camp with 6 pairs of underwear and came back with five. I still hadn't addressed what at the time I took as my own culpability in what happened. With that internal conflict yet to be settled, I didn't dare bring yet more attention to myself. Yes, if directly asked, I probably would have told all. But what happened was unthinkable for them and unmentionable by ne, right? In the meantime, the past was slowly submerged under fathoms of denial and misdirection.

In James Dickey's novel Deliverance, the corpse of a violent, rapacious man is hidden among the large boulders of a wild whitewater river in the process of being dammed for hydroelectric power production. The body remained undiscovered even as the water inexorably rose once the dam was completed. Each day, the murky waters deepened, putting more distance between "then" and "now." Still, the past remained.

My dam only broke two years ago.

Finally, real progress could begin.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#463241 - 03/26/14 09:52 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: newground]
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 40
Loc: New York State
Jeff,

Thank you for your feedback. I am going to use this site release my secrets. Like you say I think it will get easier by the drop.

Jed
_________________________
Jed777

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#463243 - 03/26/14 09:58 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: Suwanee]
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 40
Loc: New York State
Will,

Thank you for your comments. Silence is a strange kind of isolation. I was present, but not a full participant because of my secret. I am glad to hear real progress has begun for you.

Jed
_________________________
Jed777

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#463244 - 03/26/14 10:01 PM Re: Afraid to tell [Re: pufferfish]
Jed777 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/10
Posts: 40
Loc: New York State
Puffer,

It is helpful for me to link events too. Something that does not make sense begins to feel less intimidating.
_________________________
Jed777

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